Love Me Patiently, Love Me Honestly

The class stared at me for a second, and then turned back to their previous conversations. Pat and Garrett looked at each other, alarmed, as I sat down. Then they burst into laughter.

“Shut up, you guys!” I said.

Pat finally stopped laughing, “Okay, what happened?”

“Kennedy kissed me, John kissed me, I kissed John, Kennedy almost kissed me, and then I kissed John again.” I sighed.

A boy in front of me with his back towards us who had apparently overheard me, mumbled, “What a whore,” to the boy next to him. Pat and Garrett started laughing again.

The bell rang. The teacher assigned bookwork and I really tried to concentrate.

Garrett whispered to me, “Girl time after school?” he smiled.

“Yes, please.” I smiled back.

By the time I got to third period I was emotionally drained. John was gone and I was sad, Kennedy loved me and I was happy. It was so up and down.

Kennedy greeted me as I walked in the door, and I smiled back. Courtney was already in her seat next to mine and I rolled my eyes as I sat.

Her friend Stephanie came in and gave her a hug. “I’m so sorry John left, Court. “

“I know, I’m really sad! But like, at least he’s being so sweet, taking care of his grandma.”

“Oh yeah, totally sweet. This has got to be so hard on you though.”

I rolled my eyes. Hard on her? He’s my best friend.

I looked at the 2 girls. “Oh, hey Maddie, you must be happy John is gone, huh?” Courtney smiled and flashed her eyes to Kennedy.

“Oh, I’m ecstatic, because now you won’t be hanging around him anymore and annoying us.”

She rolled her eyes and turned back to her friend. “I’m really going to miss him.”

“It’s only two weeks!” I exclaimed as the bell rang.

After class, Kennedy stopped me. “John left?” he asked.

“Only for two weeks.”

I saw his forehead crease as he looked down. “Your birthday is in two weeks.” He said quietly.

“Yep, exactly two weeks.” I smiled, I was turning eighteen, and I was excited. I ignored his serious tone.

“Do you want to come over after school and hang out with Emma and I? She’s spending the week at our house. My sister’s been really busy. I think Emma misses you.” He smiled and I couldn’t help but accept the offer.

**

When I got to the house a girl was standing in the living room holding Emma. Kennedy introduced her as the nanny, Jade. She had long, black hair and green eyes. She looked in her early twenties and she was beautiful. And by the way she looked at Kennedy, she totally wanted him.

She was nice enough but something about her rubbed me the wrong way. She left soon after and before I could ask Kennedy about her he swept me up in a hug.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said in my ear.

“Me too,” I smiled.

Hanging out with Emma and Kennedy made me so happy. Emma had an infectious smile, and Kennedy’s laugh filled my stomach with butterflies.

I had left my phone in my purse, ignoring texts from John. Emma loved crawling around; she was a pro at it. She made efforts to stand up but never succeeded. She would fall on her butt and smile, reaching her arms out to be held.

“Okay baby, nap time.” Kennedy said, laying her in her crib. She fell asleep immediately and we went and sat in the living room.

We watched a movie on the couch and Kennedy held my hand. It was sweet and romantic. Nothing more happened, and I was okay with that. I decided it was time to stop kissing more than one boy in a 24 hour time period, anyways.

I left around 5:00. Kennedy walked me to my car with Emma in his arms. She reached for me to hold her and I kissed her goodbye.

“Do I get one?” Kennedy smiled. I remembered my earlier decision and kissed his cheek.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said and climbed in my car.

When Kennedy walked into the house I grabbed my phone out of my purse. I had 4 texts and 3 missed calls. 2 calls were from Garrett. I panicked, I had stood him up.

I called him. “Hello?” he sounded irritated.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I am sooo sorry.” I said. “I’m on my way over right now!”

He faked a laugh. “Don’t worry about it; we can do it some other time.”

“Garrett...”

“I’ve gotta go, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He hung up. I rested my head against the steering wheel as I called my voicemail to listen to the message John had left.

“Hey baby, well I just got to Colorado. It’s so pretty here! You’d love it! I bought a newspaper at the airport because I know you writer types like to collect those. Okay, I have to go figure out how to rent a car. Call me!”

John sounded so unaffected by everything that was going on, he was happy and confident. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.

___________________________________________________________________________

I woke up on that Saturday with a weight on my heart. John would be coming home in a week and I had a big decision to make.

But I was already sure of my decision.

I didn’t want to lead the either boy on, but I feel so strongly for them both. But one I love, and the other I love the idea of, like Garrett said. I just hope I differentiated correctly on who was which.

Another thing on my mind was my birthday. I was turning 18 next Saturday. I would be an adult. I was beyond excited.

Just then I heard a knock at my bedroom door and Garrett rushed in.

“Good morning, darling!” He said and lay next to me on my bed.

“Well, hello Garrett. Why so chipper?”

“Because it’s plan for Maddie’s birthday extravaganza day!” he smiled.

I know everyone says they hate parties thrown for them. But I can’t lie; I love them, especially when my boys throw them.

“Oh yay!” I sat up as Garrett pulled out a pad of paper with the page full and began reading.

“Okay, so it all starts at 8:00 a.m. when you pick John up from the airport. Then you guys will spend 2 hours together. Then I get 2 hours, then Pat, Jared, and Kennedy is last. Then at 8:00 p.m. John will go get you from Kennedy’s house and take you to the surprise party.”

“Why doesn’t Kennedy just take me to the party?”

Garrett stopped. He didn’t look at me. He was hiding something. Maybe Kennedy had a surprise for me. I smiled to myself.

“Okay listen, when I say this is ‘plan Maddie’s birthday day’, I didn’t mean you actually had a say.” He joked.

“Whaaatever.” I laughed. “But why are you calling it a surprise party?”

“The word surprise just attracts people. Everyone likes seeing someone freak out and we want as many people as we can get at your party. And plus, what all of us do during the day is still a surprise!”

I laughed, “Okie dokie.”

Garrett began writing more and I looked at the picture of Carly on my wall. This would be my first birthday I spent without her. Usually my party didn’t start until 10, because Carly always got those last 2 hours.

“Okay, I’ve gotta go finalize what everyone else is doing, want to have a movie night tonight?” He asked as he got up.

I snapped out of my thoughts about Carly. “Um, yeah, have everyone come over here. My parents will be gone tonight.”

“Okay, sounds good. See ya.” He said and walked out.

I looked back at the picture. A tear fell as I walked to Carly’s room. I looked at the perfectly kempt room. My mom wasn’t there and I sat in the chair in front of the mirror. It was bordered with pictures of John, Garrett, Pat, Jared, Kennedy, and me. There was also a picture of Kennedy, Emma, and Carly in the center.

Carly always loved babies and she must’ve loved having Emma so close. I never loved babies a ton, but even I couldn’t resist Emma.

I began crying more now. Carly would never be able to experience motherhood. She wouldn’t get to hold the child she had, she wouldn’t get to buy a minivan to transport her kids to athletic events, and she wouldn’t have a husband to share it with.

It wasn’t fair. Why was she taken from this world? What did she do wrong?

My phone rang. I saw it was John, and if had been anyone else I wouldn’t have answered it, but John knew how to cheer me up.

JOHN

“Hello?” Maddie answered, she was crying.

“Maddie? What’s wrong?” Oh no.

“John…” She choked out, not continuing.

“Oh my god, he told you.” I stood up from the bed I was lying on. I needed to go home.

She stopped. “What are you talking about?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.

She sighed. “I’m sitting in Carly’s room…” She trailed off.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked. Did Kennedy tell her?

“You know she loved kids?” She asked.

“I did know that.” I said.

“It makes me really sad she’ll never get to experience that, and all of us will. I mean you, me, Kennedy, Garrett, Pat, Jared, we’re probably all going to have kids someday and the one who loved them the most didn’t even get a chance.” She said.

He hadn’t told her; of course not. “Oh baby, some things you just can’t control.” I didn’t know what to say.

“I feel like I’m not sad enough,” She said blankly.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I feel like none of us are, it’s only been a few months, and we all have fun and are still moving with out lives. Should we be mourning? Like my mom?” She sounded so lost; I just wanted to hold her.

“Everyone mourns differently. Your mom does it by shutting down, and that’s not always the best. Your dad does it by taking care of your mom, because it gives him less time to think about it. You’re like your dad in that way, you have fun to try not to think about it. You’re like Carly in that way too.

“Remember when my uncle died? She told me, and I quote, ‘Someday, memories will be all we have to hold onto, so make them. If you dwell on the past, the sadness will be all you remember, forever.’ That’s what has gotten me through. She didn’t want us to dwell, she wants us to remember with happy hearts.”

Maddie was silent for a while then asked, “How do you mourn, John?”

“Me? Well I think of memories, happy ones. Like remember that one time Carly and I were the clowns at your 10th birthday?” I smiled.

Maddie laughed out loud. “Oh my gosh, you guys looked ridiculous! And you only did it to scare me because you know I hate clowns!”

“See, you feel better, don’t you?” I asked.

“I do.” I could tell she was smiling. “You’re the best friend a girl could have, John O’Callaghan.”

I hoped I was reading too much into her use of the word friend, and I decided to ignore it.

“So what did you think someone told me?”

“Oh, um…” I scrambled for an excuse. “I thought maybe Garrett told you my surprise for your birthday…?”

“And that would make me cry?” She laughed.

“I thought maybe it was tears of joy.” I told her.

“You’re hiding something.” She said, seriously.

I sighed. I couldn’t tell her Kennedy’s secret, not for a week. “I’ll tell you on your birthday, if someone doesn’t get to you before then.” Oh please God, let someone else tell her before I have to. I can’t see that girl break, not again.

“Should I be scared?” She teased.

You have no idea. “Don’t worry about it.” I tried to play it off. “Um, listen, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later.”

“Thanks for helping me out, John. I love you.”

I smiled, “Love you too, baby.”

I hung up and immediately dialed Kennedy’s number.

“Hey John, how’s your grandma?” Kennedy asked.

“She’s getting a lot better actually. Looks like I’ll be home right on time.”

“Oh, great. I’m sure Maddie’s party will be a lot of fun.”

“When are you going to tell her?” I asked, flatly.

He was silent for a few seconds. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that…maybe I shouldn’t tell her on her birthday. I don’t want to ruin her day; I want her to have a great time.”

“Okay, good plan. Tell her before. You have a week.” I knew what he was trying to do.

“I’m not ready yet,” He replied.

“Not ready yet!? I gave you a month! You’ve had a month to get ready!” I yelled at him.

“John, I love her.”

I fumed. “No, Kennedy, I love her. I’m the right guy for her, not someone who has been lying to her for years!”

“You’ve been lying to her too, John! You really think she’s going to run to you when she found out I screwed up? No! She’s going to be mad that her so called older brother didn’t tell her!” Kennedy yelled now.

The thought made me sick. She couldn’t really think I was lying to her, could she? It wasn’t my business to share, and I’ll be damned if Kennedy not telling her becomes my burden.

“I know what I’m doing, John.” Kennedy said.

“No. Someone who knows what they’re doing doesn’t lie to the one person they know they have in the palm of their hands,” I said, “You’re taking advantage of her love. You know Maddie holds you to the highest pedestal.”

“And you know she’d pick me over you,” Kennedy said, throwing it in my face, “That’s why you want me to tell her, so I can be the one to break her heart once again, and you can have your shot that you missed.”

I grimaced as every doubt in my mind erased every degree of assurance I had. “You have until midnight on October 3rd, or I’m telling her.” I said before I hung up.

I seriously debated just calling Maddie right now and telling her. I was so angry at Kennedy. How dare he assume Maddie would pick him.

My phone rang, it was Garrett. I decided to answer because he was oddly good at talking me through my problems in my love life.

“Hey.” I said.

“Hey bro, how’s it going?”

“Do you think Maddie is going to pick Kennedy?” I asked quickly.

“Woah, what happened?” He asked.

“Just answer the question.”

“I am not getting involved!” He sounded panicked and that gave me the answer I needed.

I rolled my eyes. “Why’d you call? Did you need something?”

“Um, I was just making sure you’re finalizing your plans with Maddie on Saturday,” He said.

“Yeah, I’m almost done figuring it out. She’s picking me up from the airport right?”

“Yep. Maybe you guys can have one of those dramatic moments where you’ll see each other in the crowd and she’ll run into your arms,” he laughed.

“Well it won’t be so special now that we’re talking about it, but yeah hopefully,” I laughed too.

“So you need to pick her up from Kennedy’s at 8:00. I’m giving that responsibility to you just in case he tells her and she’s a wreck. Nothing is going to ruin this awesome birthday party I’m planning.”

“Awesome, huh?”

“Well I figure it needs to be, if Kennedy tells her about Emma before, it will cheer her up, and if he does it after, she can look back on this and not hate me for not telling her.” Garrett said.

“I don’t think it will be you she’ll hate for not telling her, but that is a great plan.”

“Fine John, I’ll tell her you planned it too.” He chuckled.

“Thanks, but I don’t think that will help. Listen I have to go. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay man, good luck with everything!” Garrett said and hung up.

Suddenly all I wanted to do was get on the next flight home and be right next to Maddie, hugging and kissing her so she knew I was the right one for her.

I knew that I couldn’t though, so I was left in Colorado with the only one thought running through my head, over and over;

She was going to pick Kennedy.