Dreaming Up A Secret

I went back to the bar. He wasn’t there, but a lot of empty bottles were. I looked around, feeling strangely scared. I mean, its not that I was scared of the crowd or anything, I was scared about being left behind. I didn’t think they’d forget me, but I couldn’t find anyone, and maybe they’d gotten tired and left. When I was a kid, my parents forgot me at my school, which then closed and I got left sitting out side in the freezing cold alone outside a school which was…not in the best neighborhood, and ever since then, I’ve been really scared of being left behind.
I broke through the crowd and looked around again. My knees grew weak below me as I saw him. He was pressed against the wall, hair plastered to his head with sweat, shirt sticking to his body, showing off his delicate frame, by some other guy. His hands moved around the back of the other guys head, the other guys hands were pushed against him.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stumbled backwards out of the room. I heard Tom and Alice calling my name, but I ignored them and kept going. I collapsed outside of the building against the wall, the tears streaming freely now, though I never could’ve held them back.
Alice dropped to her knees beside me, trying to comfort me.
“What’s wrong?”
I couldn’t get anything out threw the tears.
Tom came down beside her.
“Ronan? Man?”
Pause.
“Are you ok? What’s wrong?” He tried again.
I still couldn’t make words. My lips tried to form the words, but no sound came out.
Aiden che-che-cheat,
I couldn’t force myself to finish it, even just the thought. The unfinished thought stung my head, forcing new tears out as Alice patted my back like a mother to a crying child. I couldn’t feel anything but pain and Aiden flowing through my veins.
My breath caught in my throat he walked outside, clinging to another guy, hip to hip. I pushed my head down into my lap as Alice and Tom’s head’s flew up. I heard them saying something to each other, but I couldn’t focus enough make it out.
I glanced up to see Alice motioning towards me. Aiden said something, too slurred to be understandable. The guy on his arm leaned over and kissed his cheek; more tears sprung to my eyes. Alice leaned back down and patted my back while Tom pushed Aiden into the car.
“Come’on, Ronan, we’re gunna go home now,” she told me in her most motherly voice.
I nodded as she pulled me up and pushed me in the front of the car, sitting in the back with Aiden for me.
“’S ok man. Where do we, uh, take Aiden?” Tom asked a few minutes into the car trip.
I sighed, “he’s staying with me.”
“Should we, uh, take him home with one of us?”
I shook my head slowly, knowing he would have a killer hangover the next morning. As much as I hated being cheated on, I couldn’t blame Aiden…I couldn’t stand to see him hurt, and he was going to need help tomorrow.
“No…I’ll take care of him.”
“H-he-hey, ba-baby,” he slurred, glancing at me from the back.
Tears caught in my throat making me incapable of replying.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and hit my head into the hard part of my knee, right around the knee cap.
“Ronan, we’re here,” the car stopped.
I got out of the car and closed the door behind me.
“B-baby?” Aiden fell over towards me.
I literally doubled over in pain as the image of him and the other guy came back to me.
“Ronan!” Alice grabbed one arm and Tom grabbed the other, leading me inside, Aiden tripping after us.
Alice grabbed the key from under the mat where it was always kept and pulled me in through the back door, helping me down to the bed. I truly was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. After all he’d been through, knowing what it was like to be betrayed by someone you care about.
“T-thanks,” I managed to stutter out to Alice and Tom, letting them know they could go home.
“Do you want us to stay and help?” Alice offered, concerned.
“N-no, its fine.”
In a few minutes I heard the door close, and knowing I was alone, I dizzily stood up and walked to the bathroom to brush the beer taste out of my mouth. As I flicked on the light, something glinting on the counter caught my eye. I picked up the razor. I looked down at my wrist, thinking of the times before I had cut myself, before Aiden got with me, before any of this teenage shit.
Aiden.
That thought was enough to set me off. I sliced into my arm again and again. The blood washed all over the floor, staining the white tiles. I stopped caring. Its not that I was drunk…unlike some people. Bitter thoughts washed through my head as each cut got deeper and deeper. And then it was slipping away. The room started spinning. The ceiling was under my feet and the floor was up above me. I kept cutting. The lights were dimming…dimming….out.
~ *** ~
The lights washed white around me, burning my newly opened eyes. I reached my arm up to push my hair back off my hot head, but immediately I felt the pull of something against my wrist. An IV. I was attached to a long series of wires next to a big pole with more wires entwined up its side. That’s when the pain hit. I bit my lip to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs.
“Ronan? Oh my god! Ronan!” I heard the familiar voice rip through me.
Tears sprung to my eyes as he rushed to my side.
“Ronan, what’s wrong?”
Once more, I was robbed of speech as I lay there on the bed, wailing like a child. A nurse
passing by saw me and came in quickly.
“Sir,” she addressed Aiden, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“No, I’m his boyfriend.”
“Sir, please leave.”
Aiden stood his ground. The woman rolled her eyes and pulled Aiden out of the room. For some reason, this made me cry harder. Everything made me cry. I was so fucking emotional. As the first nurse pulled Aiden out of sight, another nurse passed with an array of syringes on a cart. She pushed the cart into my room and pulled out one filled with something that, no doubt, would make me fall back asleep. Which I didn’t wanna do, so I cried more. Alice popped into my room, coming to my rescue.
“Ronan! Oh, good you‘re awake!” Then turning to the nurse, “its ok, I’ve got it.”
The nurse gave her a doubtful look but the commanding tone in her voice was undeniable. As the nurse left, Alice came over, Tom by her side, and started stroking my hair back.
“Shhh, shhh, its ok, Ronan, what’s wrong? What can I do?”
I could only sob out one word. “Aiden.”
Alice ran out of the room to get him.
Tom stood by my bed, “after all he’s done to you? You still really like him?”
I nodded pathetically. I couldn’t help it, I loved Aiden. Not just liked him, I loved him. Alice and Aiden burst back into the room.
“Ronan! Baby!” He cried, tears on his face.
I was still sobbing horribly as he ran to my bedside. I patted the bed next to me, inching over to make room, a desperate look on my face, a plea for him to sit with me. Carefully avoiding the wires, Aiden lay down beside me. I wrapped myself around him, crying into his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head over and over again, loving gestures of comfort.
After a while, my tears dried up and I was able to speak again.
I looked up at Aiden and hoarsely whispered, “I…I…I…missed you.”
“Baby, why’d you do that to yourself?”
Alice and Tom exchanged a look across the room, but I decided not to mention it.
“I…don’t know.”
Tom starred at me with disbelief.
I pulled my lips up to Aiden’s and kissed him as long as I could. The heart monitor I was attached to sped up, earning laughs from everyone.
My mother broke into the white room, almost running into the other bed, which had no occupant, by the door.
“Ronan! Oh my goodness, are you all right?”
“Ya, mom, I’m fine.”
“What happened?”
“I got cut…to much blood loss.”
“How?”
Alice, Tom, and Aiden looked at me expectantly.
“I don’t know,” I stalled for time, “probably just caught on something, tore the skin, and didn’t realize til I lost to much blood.”
“Oh my, oh, oh.”
“Mom,” I cut her off, “go get some coffee.”
“You sure you’ll be fine alone?”
“I won’t be alone, Alice will be here, Tom and Aiden too.”
My mom had always trusted Alice for the same reason we all always had. She was the most motherly and caring of us all.
“Ok,” she nodded.
“You can go home if you want…take your time,” Alice added, smiling at me after.
“Maybe, I don’t know…”
“I’ll stay here, don‘t worry about a thing,” Alice insisted.
My mom nodded and left and I curled up into Aiden.
“I…I love you, Aiden,” I made my lips form the words.
Everyone knew I liked him, but no one but me figured out the love yet. So Tom and Alice stood across the room, mouths hanging open, Tom shaking his head, well Aiden gently pulled me closer to himself and whispered a reply.
“I love you too, baby, and I always will.”
A sudden wave of tiredness washed around me and I fought noticeably to keep my eyes open. I heard Alice laugh in the background as Aiden stroked my face lightly, not helping my cause. Soon, though, it overtook me and I was fast asleep.