I Don't Wanna Be in Love

Her hands rubs across her face as she starts to awake, it’s midmorning but there is no sun breaking through the curtains. The sun is safely hiding behind the fluffy white-silver clouds in the shady blue sky. Her eyes open up with a first glance at the ceiling and after about a minute she turns her head to see a fast asleep Jacoby. The sheet is crumpled up around his stomach in bunches, holding him there against the bed almost like a prisoner.

Without thinking about it Ember climbs out of bed and is greeted with a breeze that eats up her whole body. She pulls her blanket off the bed lightly and wraps it around her naked body as she walks quietly out of the room.

“Why can’t I be happy with what I have?” She questions herself with a sigh in the bathroom, looking at her wrecked reflection and seeing the inner turmoil that Jacoby doesn’t notice. “Why can’t I get you out of my head?” Her hands rush up her cheeks in question to her question.

Last night should have been special, her mind should only be focusing on Jacoby after that but it’s not.

“Why do I feel like I’m waiting to sneak out of a one night stands apartment after too many drinks last night?” Her eyes close with a silent crisp as she leans over the counter to feel the smooth, cool surface against her worried, warm face. “I thought I had it right this time,” The eyeliner, eye shadow and mascara run together with the grime of sleep and the fresh mist of tears that start forming.

Ember sits like that for just a few minutes before she gathers herself together and settles on taking a comforting shower. The sounds and feels of the running water seem to always help her think and calm down.

She plugs in the little radio before starting up the hot water and then grabs what she needs before getting in under the water.

“I like him just as much as I liked Jacoby when we first started dating…Things feel so different now…What if we aren’t meant to be anymore? I’ve drifted apart, maybe he has to? I feel like I’m only trying to see the one side of this…Fuck, when did everything get so complicated? When did this happen? When did I start looking at other guys…Has he looked at other girls? I mean he suspects nothing, not after last night-this last week…Maybe he found someone too…I wish I had a sign…” The water washes away any tears that might leak past her eyes as she gives herself a speech, a pep talk. Listens to herself the way she has no one else to. Maybe it’s time to take her brothers advice…

As Ember runs her fingers through her hair, washing out the shampoo, the opening sound of ’Thinking of You’ comes out of the radio and she squeaks a small bit. Her hands fall from her hair and she crosses her arms, listening intently to the beautifully sad song.

“…Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes…”

“Is that supposed to be a sign?” She mumbles out loud, squeezing feeling into her arms with pruned fingers. As the song continues in the background, outside of her mind, her thoughts linger on the kiss that sped up her heart and got her thinking this stuff in the first place.

Ember stayed in the shower till the water nearly ran cold, and Jacoby never woke. As she fumbled in the drawer of their dresser he didn’t move, she started thinking this might not be so bad after all…After she fixed her hair and slapped on new eyeliner she grabbed her phone and seen she had a new voicemail.

Outside of their bedroom, in the kitchen with her back against the fridge, she listens to Matt’s voice from this morning. “Hey Em, its Matt, I was calling to see if you were up to anything today? I wanna’ see ya. Call me.”

“Hey Matt,” He picks up on first ring; she dialed as soon as the silence accompanied ‘me’ to the exit.

“Hey there, you get my voice-“

“Yeah I did, and I wanted to talk to you, do you think you can come over?” Ember just blurts it out, rushes her sentence as if the words were never going to exist again.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She says with a relieved yet excited laugh.

“Okay then, I’ll be right over,” After clicking the red telephone on her cell she slams her hand into her mouth, “Am I really going to go through with this?” She whispers through the cracks between her fingers.

“Hey Matt,” She says as he steps out of his car. She walks down the steps and path to meet him and he pulls her into a friendly hug. For a moment they are frozen in that spot, she’s looking up into his eyes and he’s looking down into hers. His heart speeds up as he fingers press against her back a little harder, his eyes examining every crease of her lips and he wants to taste her again. He wants to take her, and she wants to be taken…

“I like you,” Matt says as he takes his hand to push a block of hair out of her face. “But I won’t be the side guy,”

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” They say at the same time, hearing each other and themselves. “I like you, I want you.” Ember says in an almost painful whisper as Matt leans down closer to her face, his thumb caressing her chin. “Let’s leave,” She says, pulling her face away from his. “Let’s not do this here.” Ember breaks out of his arms easily and as she walks over to the passenger door Matt follows and gets into the drivers seat.

After Matt pulls out of the driveway, and when the house is behind them, she takes his hand into hers and feels this perfect match. She doesn’t know he feels it too.

They’re sitting next to each other on Matt’s couch in his living room. It’s cute and pretty clean, there aren’t any of those little knick knacks sitting here or there cluttering up the place. There’s a guitar, some magazines, a couple books, albums, movies-all that stuff. They’re sitting there looking at each other waiting for the other to make the first move. Matt thinks Ember should, she is the one with strings attached. Ember wants Matt to make the first move; she wants to know that he really wants her and won’t be throwing a good thing away.

So they sit there with shaky, wanting lips, just staring and waiting…Matt leans over in a rush and puts his lips against hers, in a feather light peck. His nose touches against hers in the Eskimo kiss gesture and she returns it. Her lips push against his a bit harder, wanting and needing a deeper taste. Her arms find their way to the back of his neck and she pulls him against herself deeper.

Their lips move in a slow sync, taking turns to dip in the tango as the move from one side of the room to the other. Her heart is beating against her chest in a rhythm like no other she has ever felt, and his is just pounding against bones itching to break free. His hands rest themselves on either side of her, a hand on her hip and a hand entangled around her neck and hair.

With a puff for air the two of them pull away just a few inches, their upper bodies still connected and entwined. “…Matt,” She breaths lightly, “I can’t do this to you or to him.” Ember looks Matt in the eyes, waiting to see a response that he might not express out loud.

“Why did you come over here then?” He almost flickers like a flame away from her, recoiling his arms back into his space and getting up from the couch. “Why fucking play with me?”

“I’m not, I’m leaving him.” Ember almost doesn’t believe the certainty in the way she says that and Matt just blinks, once, twice, about seven times before her words start registering.

“For me? You’re leaving your boyfriend for me?”

“If you are that serious about me, about us, then yeah…But you have to tell me that this is gonna’ be worth it.” He practically thrusts himself into his previous seat, his eyes giving a pleading look.

“I’m serious about you, I like you. I want you,” He says, purring that last part. Matt takes Embers hands into his and kisses them lightly. A happy, terrified feeling floats around in Embers stomach at the touch of his callused hands and soft, warm lips.

“And I want you and I want to try us.” Matt nods and leans in against Ember, placing his lips lightly against hers.