Torn Between Two Ways

It did not take them long to pronounce my father dead. I had known if for quite some time even before they said it. At some point, I had felt the burden of him lift from my chest. The moment I felt that freedom, I knew he was gone for good.

I felt relieved. I had come to despise him. I shed a single tear all the same, though, because I used to love him. And now I was an orphan. Although Mrs. Way was with me when they gave me the news, I felt very alone. I wished Mikey and John were with me.

But John was stuck in his hospital room, and none of us knew where Mikey had gone off to. He was probably off sulking somewhere. It figured. When I needed my best friends most, they had gone and ruined it all with their ‘feelings.’ God, I was way past angry. I wished they would take it back, but it was too late now.

I had no idea what I was going to tell them. I didn’t even care. I had more important things to worry about – like where the hell I was supposed to go now. Mrs. Way said I could stay at their place, but I knew I’d have to settle things with her sons first.

“He died of a heart attack,” the doctor said sadly. I felt bad for him.

I wondered what he thought of me when I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Thank God.”

Mrs. Way looked at me scornfully, but she didn’t say anything. The doctor walked away awkwardly, not knowing what to say after my startling response to finding out my father had died.

When he left, though, I put my head in my hands. I was so tired. I didn’t want to have to deal with any of this. I wanted to go to sleep.

“It’ll be okay, Anna,” Mrs. Way assured me, putting her hand on my shoulder. We were sitting outside John’s room.

“I’m not so sure it will be,” I replied grimly.

She sighed. “You’ll just stay with us until we find out where you’re supposed to go. And if you don’t like it there, I’ll fight to keep you.”

“Thank you,” I said irritably, “but I have other things to worry about.” Like what I’m going to do with your sons, I added in my head.

“Like what?” she asked, concerned.

I shook my head and changed the subject. “I think I’m supposed to go live with my Aunt Carol – my mom’s sister – if anything happens to my dad.”

“Would you rather stay with us or go with her?”

I had to think about that for a minute. I loved my Aunt Carol, and if I went to live with her I wouldn’t have to deal with all the awkwardness with Mikey and John. On the other hand, she lived three hours away. I’d have to change schools. “Stay with you. For now.”

She smiled at me. “I’m glad, Anna,” she admitted. “You’re kind of like the daughter I never had.”

I thanked her, truly touched, but I smiled wryly afterwards. If only she knew how close to being her daughter I had the potential to be.

She called my Aunt Carol. After a long conversation, she hung up and told me my aunt was okay with me staying with the Ways. I asked her to tell John and Mikey what had happened. When she asked why I didn’t want to tell them myself, I blew it off and said it would be too hard. Then I went to the cafeteria.

John had to stay in the hospital overnight so that they could make sure he was okay, so we left without him. “We” as in Mikey and I. Mrs. Way was going to stay with John.

Mikey and I didn’t say a word as he drove us in his dad’s car, which he had dropped off for us. We stopped at my house first to get some clothes for me.

After we ate dinner silently (which turned out to be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches), I took a shower.

He didn’t speak until we were sitting on the couch, watching TV. When he turned to me, he was apologetic. “I’m sorry, Anna,” he said. “I didn’t mean to… It’s not like I planned… I didn’t want you to feel…” He trailed off at a loss for words.

“You didn’t mean to fall in love with me? It’s not like you planned to ruin everything? You didn’t want me to feel lost, angry, and hopelessly confused?” I demanded.

He looked down, not sure how to answer. I don’t think I finished his sentences quite how he would have liked. “What do you want, then?” she asked. “Do you want to pretend nothing ever happened?”

“I don’t know what I want,” I whimpered, and then everything that had happened crashed down on me. One of my best friends had tried to commit suicide. Both had admitted they loved me. My dad had died. I couldn’t think straight.

So I think I stopped thinking all together when I leaned in closer to him. He didn’t hesitate either, though. He pressed his lips to mine gently, and I didn’t pull away.

My whole world fell apart when I realized I liked this, and I loved Mikey. But I also loved John.