Torn Between Two Ways

This really was what I dreamed about, but it wasn’t how I’d dreamed it. Anna was supposed to tell me she loved me before she kissed me, not yell at me, tell me I ruined everything, and say she was confused.

Curse my guilty conscience. Any sane person (or maybe just any sane guy) would’ve enjoyed this while they could. But no, I had to have morals. Maybe it was just because I felt guilty, or maybe it was because I actually loved her. For whatever reason, I couldn’t keep kissing her while she was confused and vulnerable.

So I pulled away and said, “Sorry Anna. I suck at this, but… I don’t want to kiss you if you’re not sure.”

She sighed. “You’re right,” she replied. “I still need to think. Sorry I just got… I don’t know.”

“I think we’re tired,” I admitted. “Let’s just go to bed. You take John’s bunk.”

She nodded and we went to bed without another word. When I was almost asleep, I heard her crying. For a few minutes I debated about whether I should leave her alone or ask her what was wrong, but it wasn’t in my nature to leave her alone.

“Anna,” I whispered. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No,” she shot back at me. “Just leave me alone.”

“Whatever you want.”

“Stop saying stuff like that!” she ordered, so I shut up. What was the point in talking if anything I said was wrong?

So even though it killed me, I fell asleep while she was still crying.

“We’re missing a lot of school,” I commented as we drove to the hospital the next morning.

“Whatever,” she retorted, gazing out the window and looking distant. Our conversation ended there.

John didn’t even apologize to Anna for being a jerk when we – Anna, my mom, and I – sat by his bed. He didn’t even say anything about her father. He just gave me a suspicious look and smirked at Anna. She didn’t look at him, and I saw that he was hurt.

I didn’t want him to get hurt. He was my brother after all, but I was prepared to fight for Anna. The fact that I secretly loved my brother despite how he treated me didn’t lessen my love for Anna. I wanted her to be happy. She wouldn’t be happy with him. He would make her miserable.

My mom put her arm around Anna’s shoulders. “Your Aunt Carol called the rest of the family. Your grandfather asked if you wanted to help with the funeral. I said you probably wouldn’t, but if you feel differently, you can call back and –”

“No, you were right,” she interrupted.

My mom seemed disappointed in her. She acted as if Anna was her own daughter. Maybe one day…

“Are you sure sweetie? I know he beat you, but he was your dad.”

She shook her head. “Not after Mom died. He changed. He hadn’t been my dad since then,” she said confidently. Despite the independence in her voice, I saw tears in her eyes.

“Let’s go for a walk,” my mom said, getting up and pulling on Anna.

She hesitated, but then she gave in. “Okay,” she replied. Before she left the room, she caught my eyes and then John’s. She was warning us to behave ourselves. Yeah, right. But we could at least let her think we would get along.

I turned to John the second she shut the door behind her. “Do you try to be a jerk?” I demanded. “You could’ve said something about her father!”

“What should I have said?” he asked. “‘Congratulations. Your satanic father finally kicked the bucket?’ She hated him. She’s glad he’s dead.”

“It just goes to show how insensitive you are,” I shot back at him. “Maybe she hates him now, but she loved him for years before her mom died. Maybe she forgot that she loves him.”

John rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. She hates him. You don’t even know her, do you?”

“I don’t know her?” I asked in disbelief. You don’t even… Ugh!” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. I was officially speechless.

He laughed at me, making me even angrier.

“Just listen me, Mr. Ignorant. Watch what you say to her. If you say something stupid and make her cry, I’ll kill you,” I threatened acidly.

He cracked up. “You couldn’t kill me if you had a knife and I was bare-handed!”

“I don’t –” I began hotly, but at that moment the doorknob started to turn, so I quickly sat down. Anna didn’t need to see us like this.