I'm Not Bulletproof
I'm Not Bulletproof
After an hour of crying alone, I slowly make my way home. I almost hope Alexi is home so I can better explain myself. Sometimes I wish I were a better liar so things like this will never happen. Nothing hurts more than the fact that Alexi doesn’t think I'm supportive of him. I am supportive, I really am. I just got scared.
His words ‘you think you’re more than me?’ still make my ears ring. My heart is still beating, but I don’t know for how long. If Alexi comes back still angry with me, I will understand. But if he comes home and points out more of my flaws, my heart will break.
As if on queue, the door opens slowly and I see the small figure of Alexi. I glue my eyes on the floor and try my hardest not to cry. He slowly moves his way over to the bed I am sitting on and takes a seat. I hear him open his mouth to say something but he closes it shortly after. On the verge of tears, I hold my breath and fight the emotions.
Fifteen minutes pass and still not a word has been said. I am starting to think Alexi regrets his words, or he is tired of apologizing and saying he was the one who was wrong. I don’t blame him if he is sick of apologizing. Alexi never did anything wrong in our relationship; it was my entire fault.
“Alexi, you don’t know how much I regret my actions. I only want the best for you, I only thought of myself earlier. But now that it had time to sink in, I am so happy for you,” I say holding his hand. I look at his soft face, but he still doesn’t look at me. I most definitely hurt him, no doubt about it.
Alexi isn’t the most emotional of people and he isn’t fazed by most criticism. But in a way, I criticized his band; the one most important thing to him. At school, someone made fun of his band and Alexi didn’t take that too well. But having his own girlfriend to ‘criticize’ his band, it’s heart breaking in a way.
He continues to stare down at our entwined hands.
“Alexi, please believe me. I love you so much and I never meant those words,” I say.
Alexi finally looks at me. I see his eyes are red and puffy. For a while I thought he didn’t have any tear ducts, but once again, I was wrong.
“I only thought of myself then too. I should have thought about how you felt,”
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve been selfish and I was scared of stupid things. Now isn’t the time to talk about my fears, but I have never been more sorry,”
“I bet I know what some of those fears are. I fear the same. I’m worried that if we tour, we will grow apart. I never would want that,” Alexi says, “I know it sounds stupid, but you really make me happy. I don’t think I could live without you being here. When I see you smile, it gives me hope. And while I’ve been with you, I haven’t cut because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
My heart flutters at what he said. It's what I always wanted to hear. I put my forehead on his and look into his eyes. We both look bad with our red eyes, but who cares?
“I love you,” he whispers.
“I love you too,”
I kiss his lips again and again. He pushes me back on the bed and lies on top of me and kisses me passionately.
We break away only to stare deeply in each other’s eyes. He places his lips on mine and bites my lower lip. I move my hand toward the rim of his jeans and caress his stomach. I look into his eyes and we both know what is coming next.
.x.
I wake up to a dark room. Alexi’s arms are wrapped tightly around my waist. I lay in bed and think of the events that occurred only a few hours ago.
Yes, I am a little ashamed that we had sex already in the relationship, but at the same time I am happy it happened. It wasn’t meaningless sex; it was an act of love. It meant something to me, unlike what Braydon and I used to have. Maybe sex is only enjoyable when it's with someone you love.
I try to wiggle my way out of Alexi’s grasp but I wake him up. He loosens his grip and kisses my neck gently.
The feeling of true happiness and true love is something I never hope to lose.
.x.
Today is Alexi’s eighteenth birthday and it is also the same day his band is recording their album. He has already played me a couple of the songs that are going to be on the album and they sound great. Their songs are a mix of black and death metal. Also, I have been listening to more metal and I actually like it. But I still won’t sing metal or play meal. I already know that their CD is going to be a hit in Finland.
I am trying to be as supportive of Alexi and his band as much as possible but I am still frightened about it. I have also been informed that they are going on a small Finnish tour of a few cities.
With Alexi caught up in his band, we are starting to grow a little distant. I don’t think there has been an hour in the day where I don’t see him with his guitar. He is constantly writing lyrics and composing songs. Even though we may have been growing a little distant, things are still going well. Being with him makes me feel something I have never felt before. My body feels warm and my legs feel weak when he touches me. Even a little glance makes me feel amazing.
But there is always the fear deep within my mind that something could go wrong.
His words ‘you think you’re more than me?’ still make my ears ring. My heart is still beating, but I don’t know for how long. If Alexi comes back still angry with me, I will understand. But if he comes home and points out more of my flaws, my heart will break.
As if on queue, the door opens slowly and I see the small figure of Alexi. I glue my eyes on the floor and try my hardest not to cry. He slowly moves his way over to the bed I am sitting on and takes a seat. I hear him open his mouth to say something but he closes it shortly after. On the verge of tears, I hold my breath and fight the emotions.
Fifteen minutes pass and still not a word has been said. I am starting to think Alexi regrets his words, or he is tired of apologizing and saying he was the one who was wrong. I don’t blame him if he is sick of apologizing. Alexi never did anything wrong in our relationship; it was my entire fault.
“Alexi, you don’t know how much I regret my actions. I only want the best for you, I only thought of myself earlier. But now that it had time to sink in, I am so happy for you,” I say holding his hand. I look at his soft face, but he still doesn’t look at me. I most definitely hurt him, no doubt about it.
Alexi isn’t the most emotional of people and he isn’t fazed by most criticism. But in a way, I criticized his band; the one most important thing to him. At school, someone made fun of his band and Alexi didn’t take that too well. But having his own girlfriend to ‘criticize’ his band, it’s heart breaking in a way.
He continues to stare down at our entwined hands.
“Alexi, please believe me. I love you so much and I never meant those words,” I say.
Alexi finally looks at me. I see his eyes are red and puffy. For a while I thought he didn’t have any tear ducts, but once again, I was wrong.
“I only thought of myself then too. I should have thought about how you felt,”
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve been selfish and I was scared of stupid things. Now isn’t the time to talk about my fears, but I have never been more sorry,”
“I bet I know what some of those fears are. I fear the same. I’m worried that if we tour, we will grow apart. I never would want that,” Alexi says, “I know it sounds stupid, but you really make me happy. I don’t think I could live without you being here. When I see you smile, it gives me hope. And while I’ve been with you, I haven’t cut because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
My heart flutters at what he said. It's what I always wanted to hear. I put my forehead on his and look into his eyes. We both look bad with our red eyes, but who cares?
“I love you,” he whispers.
“I love you too,”
I kiss his lips again and again. He pushes me back on the bed and lies on top of me and kisses me passionately.
We break away only to stare deeply in each other’s eyes. He places his lips on mine and bites my lower lip. I move my hand toward the rim of his jeans and caress his stomach. I look into his eyes and we both know what is coming next.
.x.
I wake up to a dark room. Alexi’s arms are wrapped tightly around my waist. I lay in bed and think of the events that occurred only a few hours ago.
Yes, I am a little ashamed that we had sex already in the relationship, but at the same time I am happy it happened. It wasn’t meaningless sex; it was an act of love. It meant something to me, unlike what Braydon and I used to have. Maybe sex is only enjoyable when it's with someone you love.
I try to wiggle my way out of Alexi’s grasp but I wake him up. He loosens his grip and kisses my neck gently.
The feeling of true happiness and true love is something I never hope to lose.
.x.
Today is Alexi’s eighteenth birthday and it is also the same day his band is recording their album. He has already played me a couple of the songs that are going to be on the album and they sound great. Their songs are a mix of black and death metal. Also, I have been listening to more metal and I actually like it. But I still won’t sing metal or play meal. I already know that their CD is going to be a hit in Finland.
I am trying to be as supportive of Alexi and his band as much as possible but I am still frightened about it. I have also been informed that they are going on a small Finnish tour of a few cities.
With Alexi caught up in his band, we are starting to grow a little distant. I don’t think there has been an hour in the day where I don’t see him with his guitar. He is constantly writing lyrics and composing songs. Even though we may have been growing a little distant, things are still going well. Being with him makes me feel something I have never felt before. My body feels warm and my legs feel weak when he touches me. Even a little glance makes me feel amazing.
But there is always the fear deep within my mind that something could go wrong.