Make Believe

[[Frank's POV]]

I sighed contentedly as my fingers wove their way through Gerard’s angel-soft, newly washed hair. Mrs. Bryar was very sweet in accommodating us for the night, and was thrilled that Gerard and I chose to stay behind while Mikey, Ray, and her son all went out for a night on the town. We both were able to take showers; separately, of course, and it felt wonderful to be absolutely clean for once. It was such a rare, luxurious feeling while still being on tour.

Gerard and I stayed behind for very specific reasons. Of course we wanted some time to be alone together, but the main reason was of course because he was already teetering on the verge of a relapse. It really came as no surprise to me, considering all of the things that he has been forced to endure. Not only has he been forced to deal with the drama between me, him, and Mikey, Gerard has had to deal with being the front man of a band even though he is falling apart inside. And on top of all that, he now has to deal with a pesky reporter sticking his nose in our business every time either of us turns around.

I knew that it was not in Gerard’s best interest at all if he were to go anywhere where he’d be surrounded by drunk people that were having a good time. I wanted nothing more than to stay behind with him, to take care of him. I understood completely that he didn’t want to be around that sort of environment, and to be quite honest, I didn’t either; especially since Mikey would be there. I fear that the temptation we all felt toward one another would eventually seep in, especially if liquor was involved. I also fear that mine and Gerard’s mere presence together would cause Mikey to snap, and I didn’t want that happening. He needed his space, and so did Gerard and I.

Our decision to stay behind was certainly one of the greatest decisions he and I have ever made, considering it allowed Gerard and I a chance to simply breathe. It never feels right if he is in the same room and I am not touching him in some sort of way. I need to be next to him, with our legs touching, our feet touching, our hands touching - it didn’t matter, I just needed him close to me. If he isn’t within eye level, my heart aches and it does not stop until I can see him again. I need to have that peace of mind that he is okay. Call it desperation, call it necessity -- call it an addiction, if you will, because all of those things are absolutely true.

My feelings for Gerard are each of those things, and it’s the reason that I cling to the few moments I am allowed to spend time with him like this, and live for moments like right now where he is sprawled out on the couch with his head in my lap as we watch a movie together with Mrs. Bryar. She has been asleep on her bright red recliner on the opposite side of the room for nearly an hour now, with her dog, Charlie curled up at her side.

The room has been quiet except for the movie that has been playing in the background. We have barely spoken to one another, but I don’t think of it as a bad thing. The sweet smile that he gifts me with every so often says so much more than any few hundred words ever could, and the gentle squeezes that he gives to my hand that is securely laced within his own tells me a story that stars he and I as the main characters; with everything else in the background as he clings to me just as tightly as I am clinging to him. He is close enough for me to touch him, and the only thing that I am paying any attention to is his quiet breathing. I am so consumed with having him here with me, because I know that Gerard is safe.

I love this feeling almost more than anything; but not nearly as much as I love the man that is resting on top of me. Nothing could ever compare to the way that I feel for him, but these are all things that I am not allowed to tell him. They are bottling up inside of me, and any second now I know they are going to pour out and Gerard and I will be once again caught in the huge whirlwind that will ensue, but at this moment I couldn’t care less. He is mine, if only for right now, and that is the only thing in the entire world that matters.

“Boys?”

Mama B’s voice was ridden with sleep as she peered over at us, rubbing her eyes. “I’m gonna head on to bed now. Tell Bobby whenever he gets home I want a big kiss good night, k?”

“You got it,” I grinned, giving her a warm smile that matched the one she was giving the two of us.

“You two can take the empty bedroom at the end of the hall. It has the biggest bed, so I’m sure you’ll be more comfortable there,” she said, before catching a yawn with her hand. “Sleep well, Frankie,” she spoke sweetly, before planting a kiss on my forehead, and then doing the same to Gerard’s. “Sleep tight, Gerard.”

“’Night,” we both said in unison, grinning at one another as our voices danced along together. “Thanks for everything,” Gerard added, earning another sweet smile from Mrs. Bryar before she made her way out of the room.

Once she was gone, Gerard turned his attention to me; staring straight up at me as I grinned down at him.

“Hi Frankie,” he grinned shyly; adorably.

“Hi Gee,” I replied, leaning down to plant a sweet kiss to his lips. Gerard instantly responded by sitting up halfway in my lap, and wrapping his arms around my neck. My arms wove tightly around his back, securing him as absolutely close to me as possible as our lips continued to get reacquainted with one another after about an hour of no kisses. It felt like eternity.

“Mmm,” Gerard murmured softly upon pulling away, resting his forehead against my cheek before kissing my skin softly. “Frankie baby, I’m so glad you’re here with me.”

I chucked softly. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else in the world, Gee,” I replied, bringing his face toward mine so I could kiss his lips again. “Next to you is the only place in the world that I want to be.”

His face trembled a bit, before he buried his face within my neck. “Me too, Frankie.”

I felt Gerard sigh deeply from his spot within my neck, and I could tell that he had things on his mind. I couldn’t blame him, there were a million things running through my exhausted mind as well, and all of those things had to deal with him in one way or another.

“Do you want to go lay down, Gee?” I asked him, and felt him nod before withdrawing his face from my neck.

“Yeah,” he replied quietly, giving me another soft smile. He kissed my lips one more time before he climbed off of me, and grabbed our overnight bag as we walked hand-in-hand together toward our guest bedroom at the end of the hallway.

When I flicked on the light, I noticed that it was a very cozy room, with a queen size bed and two nightstands on either side of it. There were two candles on either nightstand, and right away my heart began to flutter as the romantic possibilities of what we could do began to swim around in my mind.

“Wow,” Gerard spoke in awe, his thoughts obviously matching my own as I advanced further into the room. I fished the lighter out of my jeans pocket from earlier, and lit both of the candles, before beckoning him over toward me with what I hoped was a very charming grin.

“Come join me, Gee.”

“Oh, Frankie…”

With an adorable blush staining his cheeks, he shut the light off and did as he was told; crawling under the covers with me as our bodies instantly tangled into one another. “I love you, my hopeless romantic,” Gerard smiled at me, kissing each of the tattoos of those same words that are on each of my hands, between my thumbs and index fingers.

“Hopeless for you, Gee,” I corrected him, earning a soft smile from him for my efforts as he placed yet another tender kiss to my lips. “I love you, too,” I whispered against his lips, leaning my forehead against his. My eyes fluttered shut as I tried to regulate my breathing, though Gerard made that nearly impossible as more kisses were planted all along the sides of my face.

“Frankie…” he began, and I took a deep breath. I knew we both had a million different things to say to one another, but neither of us had a single clue how we should go about sharing such deep, personal feelings with one another.

I could tell by his shaky, uneven breaths and by the goose bumps that made themselves present as my tattooed fingers lazily stroked his arms, which were wrapped securely around me, that he felt the same way. It was so easy to just be with him when we were alone together, but when you added our other band members, our management and all of the millions of other eyes that were watching us on a daily basis, the ability to let loose and ‘simply be together’ was far more difficult than just about anything.

“Yes, Gee?” I questioned, though I knew I probably wouldn’t get a response from him. When he didn’t reply for a few moments, I could tell he was probably having second thoughts about daring to say anything, so I retrieved my face from the path of his lips, and smiled at him.

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, sugar,” I assured him, to which he placed yet another angel-soft kiss to my lips. My heart melted, and my body melted even further into his embrace as our amazing kiss continued for what seems like hours, though I knew it only lasted for a couple of minutes. When he broke apart from me, I was literally gasping for more, but I knew that I would probably pass out from lack of oxygen… though Gerard was all of the oxygen that I needed.

“It isn’t that I don’t want to say them, Frankie,” he broke his silence finally, before nuzzling his face against my own. “I’m not afraid at all of the feelings that I have for you, admitting them is the easy part.”

I looked up at him then, and absolutely fell in love with the way the candles illuminated his gorgeous face.

“It’s what comes afterward, that I’m afraid of…”

His words trailed off, leaving me more curious than ever as to what his words meant. “What do you mean, Gee?” I asked, rubbing his goose-bump covered arm gently.

“It’s dealing with the feelings whenever they’re out, and trying to keep them under control,” he sighed, giving me a somewhat painful look. “I love you so much Frankie, but… even I know that because everything that’s happened between us is so fresh in our minds, and that there’s people constantly watching and judging us, it isn’t the right time for us to be together.”

He sighed again, before placing another tender kiss to my lips. It didn’t last very long, but it was enough to keep the hope for us that I felt building within my heart alive. Gerard trailed his index finger along my tattooed arm, grinning lopsidedly at the skin that his fingers had just traced, before latching his fingers securely within my own. He placed a soft kiss to our entwined hands, before blessing me with yet another very sweet, very beautiful smile.

“Frankie, when I’m here with you like this, and it is just you and me…” Gerard trailed off, gifting me with the sweetest smile I have ever seen. My cheeks tingled as the soft flutter of his fingers danced across them, followed by his lips as they kissed where his fingers had just touched. “Baby, it’s the only thing in this entire world that I need. It is a necessity to have you this close to me, always. I need to feel you, and to be near you, and just know that you aren’t more than an arm’s length away from me otherwise I might go insane.”

“I’ve noticed,” I replied, giving him a soft smile as my lips found their way to Gerard’s once again. I kissed him until I couldn’t breathe anymore, but still, I couldn’t bring myself to break apart from those lips of his just yet. When our kiss finally did end, my lips felt swollen, and I felt lightheaded, but it all felt so amazing. I glanced blissfully in Gerard’s eyes, and wound up staring in his candlelit hazel gems for what seemed like an eternity.

“Gerard, I…”

My words trailed off, but they held Gerard’s attention like a moth to a flame. I honestly wasn’t even aware that I had spoken.

“Yes baby?” He questioned, placing his lips tenderly over mine. My eyes drifted shut once again, and the only thing that my brain could properly process was the immaculate feeling of being tucked safely within my beloved’s arms as his soft lips moved lovingly against my own.

He pulled apart first, leaving me breathless, yet completely blissful as his lips hovered closely to mine, his candlelit face grinning softly at me.

“Oh, Gee…” I trailed off yet again, as my hand reached up to caress the side of his face. “Baby, I’m afraid that right now, I can’t exactly find the words to explain to you just how much I love you, or how much you mean to me. All I can do is kiss you like I did just now, and hold onto you just like this, and hope that you can grasp from those things just how much the sound of your heartbeat means to me.”

I took a deep breath as Gerard let out a shaky one of his own; still giving me his undivided attention as my words continued.

“I need to always be close to you like this too, Gerard, more than anything. I feel lost if you aren’t there, holding my hand and guiding me through,” I admitted further, completely unafraid of the things that I was revealing to him. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze, as I gave his lips a gentle kiss.

“I need your lips to give me courage…” I whispered among his lips, as more soft kisses were shared. “I need your arms to keep me safe…”

He cradled my body extra closely to his as those words were spoken; his fingers tracing softly over the side of my face. I leaned into his touch, and have never felt more content before in my life.

“Gerard, I’ve cried so much over losing you. I’ve cried so much for being a fool and letting you go, and cried so much for hurting you and betraying your trust. I know that you love me, and I hope you know that I love you, very much…”

“I do, Frankie,” Gerard cut in, pressing another tender kiss upon my lips. “Oh Frankie; yes, I know that you do love me. I feel it in your kisses baby, and I’m so glad that you can feel the way that I love you, too.”

“I know what it’s like to lose you, Gee, and even though it’s something that I experienced for only a little while, it’s something I know I can’t handle ever going through again. I wanted to prove to myself that I was angry with you… that I didn’t need you,” I divulged, sighing deeply. “I was an idiot, Gee; I needed you more than ever, and I missed you more than you could ever imagine.”

“I missed you too, Frankie,” Gerard spoke softly, cradling either side of my face gently within his soft hands. “I couldn’t be angry with you either; the harder I tried, the more desperate I was to have you back…”

I shut my eyes and pressed my lips to his again; lovingly.

“I thought that the hard part was over Gee, but I was so wrong…” I trailed off again, my lower lip trembling as I attempted to find the right words to tell him these things he so desperately needs to know. “We are forced to be apart because it isn’t acceptable, or because other people think that it’s wrong for us to be in love, and to be together…”

I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, but I wasn’t ashamed of them. I wasn’t afraid of letting them fall.

“Why cant they see how much we love each other, Gerard? Why cant they just let us be happy, and let us be together?”

“Frankie…” Gerard spoke after moments of studying my tearful eyes; his own lip trembling as a deep kiss was planted to my lips, effectively taking my breath away once more. “I told you this morning not to cry anymore… do you remember?”

I nodded. Oh, did I remember…

“Don't you want me to make your dreams come true, Gerard?”

I didn't have much time to register what happened next; his lips collided with mine, his hands tangled in my hair, and his hips bucked up into mine, creating this incredible amount of friction that made me want this; want him, so much more than ever before.

I broke our kiss and stared down at him, watching as he smiled up at me with a starstruck expression on his face.

“You are my dream come true, Frank... don't you know that by now?”

“Yes, Gerard…” I spoke in a shaky voice as this morning began to replay and unfold even further in my head. My hand now rested on the side of his face, as I connected our lips once again. “I remember everything…”

I felt my heart begin to swell as I nodded, for once finally realizing the words that he had spoken were true. This wasn't a mistake. We weren't a mistake - how could something that felt so right possibly be a mistake?

Gerard caressed my face with his fingers, which made my body tingle with those few simple touches. I relaxed into his touch, feeling my eyes flutter shut as I couldn't recall a time in my life where I felt happier, more complete.

“Make love to me, Frankie…”

My tears were falling more freely now, dripping down my cheeks and onto Gerard’s face as he continued to kiss me; so tenderly, so lovingly. All of this morning’s events began to swish around in my brain, mixing together with my current emotions; drowning me in this sea of my love for Gerard and nothing else.

"Please, Frankie..." he mumbled against my lips, and I quickly gave in.

We quickly helped each other undress, and before I knew it, I was sliding into him, the pleasure sending fireworks throughout my entire body as I entered him fully, my lips attached to his the entire time as he got used to the feeling of me being inside of him. With a quick buck of his hips, I knew he was ready for me to continue. I began to thrust, he began to moan. He wrapped his legs around me, thus making me go even deeper inside of him than before.

“Frankie…” Gerard murmured, hovering his lips over my tear-streaked face. “Oh baby, please look at me; please stop crying…”

I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes to look at him; not just yet. This flashback refused to stop from re-playing in my head, so vividly, so painfully real. I couldn’t get the immaculate way Gerard felt when I was inside of him out of my head, nor did I want to forget it.

“I can’t…”

I studied his face, contorted in pleasure just the way it was when he was dreaming previously. I stared in his eyes, and never felt such clarity before. We'd never been this connected before; this together before.

In this moment as I'm grinding into him, harder, deeper, faster than ever before, our eyes locked together, fingers dancing across each other's skin - I have never loved him so much.

But for fear of ruining this perfect moment between us, I didn't tell him so. Instead, I grabbed a hold of his painfully hard cock, and began to pump him even harder than I was slamming into him.

“Oh fuck,” he panted; his moans becoming louder with each pump, each thrust, each kiss - until finally, I felt his insides tighten, and together, we came at the exact same moment, whimpering little proclamations of “I love you” as I buried my face in his chest, not wanting to get out of him just yet.

“What cant you do, Frankie?”

His words caused my eyes to finally open.

“I don’t want to forget, Gee…”

His face crumbled, almost as if he were on the verge of tears, as well. He climbed on top of me, settling himself between my legs as words began to spill like a waterfall off of his delicious lips.

“Frankie, I know it will be hard to forget. I know that I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry-”

“No,” I stopped him mid-sentence, placing my index finger delicately over those lips that I love so much. “Gerard, that’s not what I meant. I can forget about our past, about every hurtful thing that we have ever put each other through.”

I managed to say those words without sobbing, not once. All of that was about to change though, I could feel it.

“…It’s these lips of yours that I don’t want to forget, or the way it felt when you asked me to make love to you this morning. This feeling of being in your arms, so close to you like this… Those are the things that I don’t ever want to forget!”

I was sobbing even harder now. My tears just wouldn’t stop falling. I was helpless and weak, all for Gerard.

“I really do love you, Frank,” he whispered, his arms draped lazily across my shoulders; his fingers playing absentmindedly with my hair, as his breathing finally became steady.

I looked up at him, my eyes glossed over with tears as he whispered, “Please baby, don't cry. Just... just fucking be with me, don't cry anymore, just be with me…”

“Please Frankie… I don’t want you to cry anymore,” Gerard spoke in a soft, yet broken voice. “I’ll do anything for you to be happy again; for us to be happy again. Anything in the world, it’s yours, it’s done. Just… just fucking be with me Frankie, you won’t have to cry anymore. Just be with me…”

His repeated words from this morning were like a security blanket, wrapping over my fragile heart in order to keep it safe. Soft kisses were planted over my lips and to my cheeks; each one sewing up the few remaining broken pieces of my heart and making it whole again.

“Baby, you don’t have to forget how this feels,” Gerard spoke in his soft, velvety voice as more kisses landed to the corners of my mouth. “You won’t ever have a chance to forget, because I won’t ever stop. I won’t stop, because I can’t.”

I gazed deeply within his pleading hazels, and at that moment, I believed every word that he has ever said to me.

“You are my world, Frankie. I wont ever hurt you again. I only want what’s best for you, and if I didn’t believe that I am the best for you I wouldn’t still be here, still trying to convince you that I am. I wont ever give up on you, or on us, because we are meant to fucking be!”

My arms wrapped around his neck, in order to hold his body more closely to mine. “Gerard…” I began, before pressing another soft kiss to his lips. “Will you really do anything to make us okay?”

He pulled away from our kiss, and nodded. “Anything…”

I connected our lips once more, before trailing that path of kisses to Gerard’s neck, and eventually to his ear. “Then make love to me…”

Gerard moved to face me, and after moments of his eyes searching mine, he merely nodded, and placed a millionth tender kiss to my lips. “I will Frankie,” he replied, kissing the corner of my smile. “I always will…”

Our lips connected once more in a deeply passionate kiss, one that took all of my tears as well as my breath away. I was consumed with Gerard; with his hands that were roaming up my loose-fitting shirt, his lips that were now sucking up every inch of skin on my neck, and his hips that were crashing desperately into mine.

My shirt was off before I could even comprehend it, and his quickly joined mine at the foot of the un-made bed. He kissed a tender trail of kisses from my neck down my chest, to my stomach; before breaking apart from me completely. He reached over the side of the bed and fumbled around for a few moments in the black duffle bag that contained both of our things, and retrieved the bottle of watermelon-scented lube from within. Gerard then climbed on top of me again, tossing the lube aside for now as he untied the drawstring on my pajama pants, and very caringly pulled them off of me; as well as my boxers.

I was completely exposed as I lay there before him; but the look in his eyes as he scanned across my naked flesh was loving, and the way that his fingers danced across my tattooed skin was tender. I could feel the love that Gerard has for me in those eyes, and I could definitely feel it with every flutter of his soft fingertips. Those fingers were soon coated with the lube, and soon they were inside of me; preparing me for what was to come in the most sensual of ways.

His lips were upon mine again, kissing me tenderly as to distract me from the brief flicker of discomfort that I always seemed to feel before ‘taking’ during sex. His lips did a fantastic job, and before long our lips parted, and I was moaning softly to the rhythm that Gerard had built up, which encouraged him to add another finger. His sensual kisses fluttered beautifully across random parts of my body, landing on each of my hips, on my thighs, on my cock; all sentiments that let me know how much he loved all of those parts of my body.

After a few moments of those tender kisses to random parts of my anatomy, as well as quite a few moans later, Gerard’s third and final lubed-up finger was added, and I was moaning for him like my life depended on him fingering me. At the current moment, it did, and he had to silence those moans with his lips to prevent from waking anyone in the house up.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, blushing a bit about getting so carried away. He simply smiled at me, and pulled his fingers from out of me. He wiped them on the discarded shirt that he wore earlier, before placing them tenderly on my naked waist.

“Don’t apologize for that,” Gerard replied, kissing the corner of my mouth. “I love hearing you moan, especially when it’s for me.”

“It’s always for you, Gerard,” I corrected him, placing a soft, very tender kiss to his lips. “From now on, the only time I moan will be only for you.”

After saying those words to him, he instantly leaned in for another deep, fervent kiss. With our lips attached, I leaned us up and reached for the waistband of his pants, and slid them sensually down over his hips. He helped me get them off of him, and my eyes instantly landed upon his naked body; so gorgeous, and so perfect as he kneeled before me. My lips attached to his bare, exquisite-tasting shoulder, as my desperate fingers instantly reached out for his erection, earning some very pleasured moans from Gerard for all of my efforts.

I jerked him off for a few moments, before realizing that even though I was getting him ready for me, my fingers weren’t lubing him up. I fixed that mistake by squirting some lube on my fingers, and coated the generous length of Gerard’s cock with it, as more moans slipped past my beloved’s beautiful lips. Just as he had to do to me, my lips landed upon his in order to silence his increasingly loud moans. I couldn’t help but smile at his reaction.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard giggled, much like I had done just moments previously. “I couldn’t help myself...”

“I know the feeling,” I grinned, kissing his lips softly. “I love it when you moan like that for me…” I repeated his exact words; biting my lip as I hoped with everything I had in me that he would repeat my words as well.

“Frankie,” Gerard began, running his fingers softly down the side of my face. They rested on the side of my neck, as he continued, “You are my only one. These moans are only for you to hear, and they are only caused by you. I promise…”

Gerard sealed that promise with yet another passionate kiss, as his arms wrapped tenderly around me. He laid me down among the soft pillows that surrounded me, and spread my legs wide on either side of him; planting soft kisses up my thighs and up my chest until they reached my lips again. I was soon blessed with the amazing feeling of Gerard entering me, making me complete again. It was a damn good thing that his lips were upon mine to catch all of the moans that were created by that spectacular feeling, because if not, I’m sure all of Chicago would have been awakened by it.

“Oh, Frankie…” Gerard sighed out blissfully once he was fully inside of me, pressing tender kisses to the side of my face. “Baby, you feel so fucking good.”

“Nothing has ever felt so good, Gee,” I agreed, bucking my hips up so that Gerard would know that it was okay for him to move. “Nobody has ever made me feel as good as you have.”

Gerard gave me a beautiful smile, before his beautiful lips planted another beautiful kiss upon my own.

“…and nobody ever will.”

His candlelit eyes sparkled so brightly as they stared into my own, and in that moment I knew Gerard was all that I would ever, ever need. My world could come crashing down tomorrow, but I couldn’t care less, as long as Gerard was there with me, holding my hand, and keeping me safe.

“Be with me, Gerard…”