The Sick Among the Pure

I remembered everything and I was not planning on that. The only time I wish I could forget something, it's clear in my memory, only replaying itself. I made a fool out of myself. I've never fucked up this bad, the only thing I wanted to do is hide.
"Maynard I don't think I can do this, go on tour with Nine Inch Nails" I said as we walked into the studio, being the first ones there. I spent the whole week being a fucking drug addict, but it made me forget. It was hard being sober and dealing with reality. I also felt like I was reaching a panic attack. "Don't pull this shit three weeks before this shit actually happening. It's official." He stopped plugging in the cables and looked at me seriously. I started biting my nails and feeling dizzy. "Just try to forget whatever happened" He said and went back to it. "I can't fuck myself up every fucking night any lon-" I stopped when I saw Trent opening the studio door and instantly locking eyes with me. I looked away at the floor. "That's not what I meant...there are other ways." Maynard said kneeling underneath the small table. He got up and saw that Trent and gave out a nervous laugh. "Did I come early? Where is everyone?" Trent asked walking in, I nervously kept on biting my nails. "No everyone is late, or they forgot. I don't know what the fuck is up." Maynard said as he took a sip of his coke. They started talking about the tour and I slipped away to the bathroom. I was shaking as I sloppily snorted a few lines just to get me through this awkwardness. I sat on the toilet seat taking deep breaths because I felt like I was going to pass out. There was a knock on the door and I jumped. "Be out in a sec" I said and shoved the coke to my pocket. I opened the door and saw Trent leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets, only thumbs sticking out. "We should talk" he said standing up straight and walking ahead of me back to the lounge area. I followed him starting to sweat and shake. "Trent I'm sorry I know I'm a fucking idiot when I'm drunk I shouldn't have been at your house." I said quickly when I realized Maynard wasn't in the room. He stood there just observing me and then looking down. "Where's Maynard?" I asked while was thinking. "Their car broke down he's going to pick them up." He said and ran his hands over his head and grabbed on this his short hair. "Maxinne, I think we should start acting professional. We're going on tour together in three weeks and we can't have any more of this fucking around and flirting. I admit I do it too, we should put the friend thing aside." He let out out his breath as he sighed. I scratched my arm and nodded. "Besides..." he looked up for a second only to look away "...I don't think I can be your friend at the moment with your addiction." I nodded again biting my lip and looking down, the tears were rolling down and there was no way of hiding them. "Say something?" he begged quietly while coming over and grabbing my arm so I would look at him. "You were a good friend; you never yelled at me but always believed I could change myself somehow. Thanks, really. And I'm sorry I disappointed you this much." I said before walking away from him and out the studio. I was outside when I saw Maynard's car pull over. I walked faster but I heard him running over to me quickly. "Please tell me it wasn't that bad dealing with him?" Maynard said in an upset hopeful tone. "We're not friends anymore, it's alright, I deserved it." I said crying. He quickly hugged me and I used his shoulder to cry on. He pulled me over to the bench near the entrance of the studio and just hugged me. "What did you do?" he asked. He was going to find one way or another. "I tried to fuck him when I was drunk" I shook my head and brushed my tears away with my long sleeved shirt. "Listen, I'll talk to him about it if you want, he's probably just shocked." He said patting my knee. "No, it's fine. It's between him and me." I said and took a deep breath. "Can you still rehearse? He won't be here for the next few weeks I'm sure because he needs to rehearse with NIN" Maynard said trying to make me feel better. "It's gonna be so awkward, I walked out crying..."I looked down again. "Only couple of hours, pretend like you don't give a fuck." I nodded and stood up. "Back me up if he attacks me?" I asked before we walked in and Maynard nodded okay. Everyone was staring at us when we came in except for Ava and Trent, who seemed to be having an important conversation. Trent glanced at me quickly but then looked back at Ava as I went to drink some water and picked up my microphone. Marius started playing so I joined him and started singing, I was glad my voice didn't crack from crying. Ava started playing and soon we went through all the songs. I had my back turned against Trent so it would be easier to pretend he wasn't there. We played about 8 songs and took a short break. Everyone started talking and joking around so I sat on the leather couch behind everyone and just sipped my water. It made me realize how unattached I got from the rest of the band. Oh well, another thing I would have to deal with. I knew this break would be a bit longer since they were getting food so I went to the bath room where the piano was, the only room with privacy. I snorted a line and started playing some piano with one hand as I leaned my head and shoulder on the top of it. I played a song that I made up a while ago when my life started changing. I never showed it to anyone except Ava, I didn't want to make it the band's song because it was too personal. I whispered the lyrics to myself quietly and let the piano fill the room until I was finished with it. I let the last note ring but it was ruined when someone started clapping. I jumped and quickly straightened looking behind me to see Trent and Ava, who had a smile on her face. "God, I remember when you first wrote that. I still think we should fix it up and make it into one of our songs!" Ava said walking in, Trent following. I see they became good friends in no time. "It needs no fixing, it was perfect. I just wish I heard the lyrics louder." Trent said acting like nothing happened today. "Let's record it, come on Max!" Ava said excited and I shook my head no. "I can't do that" I said slowly getting up and not looking at Trent. Ava shrugged, "Anyway, I was gonna show Trent a song I wrote the other day. Wanna hear it?" She asked sitting down at the piano. I nodded moving aside and being polite. She started playing and I slowly looked over at Trent who as staring at me. He gave me a faint smile and I looked away, biting my nails and looking into Ava's back. The song she was playing sucked, I don't know what she was thinking. When she was finished she turned around with a smile and looked at both of us waiting for a response. "It was umm... interesting." It was the only thing that came to mind. "Yeah, I'm more into depressing dark songs" Trent joked and Ava laughed. "I'll be right back" I said and went to the lounge to see everyone stuffing their faces with pizza. I sat next to Maynard and he squeezed my waist lightly, seeing that I was clearly still upset. "We probably won't be getting much more done, I guess you can head on home" He said giving me a sympathetic look. I smiled and quickly gave him a hug before I headed out. The day was miserable and I couldn't wait to sleep it off and think everything through. Handling things on tour was going to be difficult, I was hoping I could handle it and not fall apart completely.