The Webs We Weave

I stood at the alter staring into Max's eyes. He was smiling as though he had a new trophy and I was freaking out. I felt right, but at the same time, I knew this was wrong. I knew if I married Max right now I would be ruining my life and everything I had worked so hard for. I tried to envision my life with him the best I could but the thing was I couldn't. I could sit back all day long and tell Max I loved him and it be true but could I have a life with him constantly stabbing me in the back? And what about when he told Ronnie, would it be a drunken mistake? "Do you Clover take Max to be your husband?" I looked at the stupid Elvis impersonator and then I made up my mind.

"Jen come on, I am sorry, I just was not sure what to do anymore." I pleaded with Jen for the millionth time since she picked me up. "Well, Mrs. Green, forgive me if I no longer believe you since that is always your fucking excuse, you're lucky I even came to get you. Where is your new husband?" "I imagine he is at home." She shook her head. "I can't believe you married Max Green. Come on Clover look at what he has done to you." She flipped the vanity mirror down in the car and I looked myself over. My hair was nappy and my eyes were dull and sunken in. My cheeks were more hollow and I looked as though I was existing rather than living. Even when I was mixed in with drugs I had never looked so bad, this certainly could not be good for the baby. My baby, a piece of Ronnie and me. Ronnie, the only one who has seen me through all of this. "I didn't marry Max, all I could think about was Ronnie and how much I loved him, and I wanted to marry him so bad because Ronnie eserves so much better than me and I want him to realize that. Now he is never going to forgive me Jen." I said finally begining to cry. "I am going to get all fat and ugly and he is going to see me in a different way. I don't want to have this baby, I don't want him to see me like that because I am so afraid he wont love me anymore." She looked away and then pulled into the parking lot outside of my apartment. "He is in there and I think you should talk to him." I nodded and climbed out of the car.

"How was the wedding?" Ronnie snarled the moment the door opened and I walked in. "It was great, I mean there was only one problem." "What did Max forget your ring or something?" He was so angry and it was making this harder to explain. "No, it was the wrong groom. Did you get my letter?" He nodded and ran his fingers through his hair. "Well, please forget that I wrote it, if I have to complete rehab I will Ronnie and I will do it willingly. I am never going to talk to Max again and I almost made the mistake of a life time. I fuck up alot and I apologize, but I realized something over the years, with you I feel miserable at times, but most of the time I felt great and I looked great too, and without you, no matter who I try to be with, all I think about is you. I think that could be a terrible thing, but I am not sure. I don't understand anything anymore except for that I Love You and no matter how much I try not too, something tells me that will never change." "I cannot just keep forgiving you, that is not how this works." He said finally and I sighed. "I will get my stuff and leave then. I think you should hold onto Katie until I get on my feet, and when this baby is born I will work out an agreement with you. Promise me something though." He nodded and I stepped forward. "Promise me you will never hate me." He nodded and I grabbed some things and made my way out of the apartment.

Four Months Later

I sat on the couch rubbing my stomach, I hated being huge, I couldn't go anywhere without people looking at me. Actually, I am just being dramatic, I simply looked as though I had shoved a volleyball under my shirt, but I felt huge. Ronnie and I were not talking as much as we used to more than the occasional 'hello' when he dropped Katie off for the weekends. Katie's mother had died shortly after we learned she was in remission, Ronnie and I took Katie to the funeral, that was heart breaking to see. I think Ronnie and I tried our hardest to stay away from one another because it was surreal the pain I felt being away from him, I couldn't imagine what was going on with him. I hated myself for causing all of this and I knew it was my fault, all of it was, and I could never actually fess up to it, I didn't want to seem weak. Ronnie knew me as someone who was better than this. He knew me as someone strong and sarcastic, and mean, and sadistic, and a fuck up. Now I was just laying around or waddling around the apartment I had rented on the east side and crying all the time. Nicky and Jen came around from time to time to comment on how terrrible I looked and I would cry all night thinking about it and picking apart myself. The teal and black in my hair had faded and the blonde in my hair had grown to my shoulders. I never left my apartment anymore and I was honestly afraid to go over to Ronnie's, I had heard through the grape vine him and Caitlyn were talking about working things out. It was hard to deal with, I mean it was what I wanted, but when it came to it, knowing I was the reason I was losing him, it hurt alot.

Finally I decided to get dressed and go out to clean myself up, I needed to stop by the hair salon and fix my hair and go and get some new clothes. Since I did not have a huge pregnancy belly, I could thankfully fit into my clothing still, but it was a tight squeeze. I pulled on a drop dead tee and a black pair of pants and grabbed my old beaten up knee high converse and grabbed my car keys.

I stopped by the hair salon and dyed my hair brown and cut it a bit, I decided it was time to be an adult, I was twenty-five now, but I also knew the second this child was out of me, my hair would probably go purple and blonde or something like that, and then thankfully I could go back on tour. Then I rushed over to Ronnie's apartment and knocked. It was silent so I assumed it would be okay to go in and pushed the door open. Ronnie and Caitlyn were sitting on the couch with their arms around one another and I tried to keep quiet and not cry, of course he would want her, look at her, she was not fat and ugly, she was skinny and pretty. I couldn't even compare. "Oh hey Clover." Caitlyn said suddenly. I pulled my car keys out of my purse and looked at the floor. "I just came to get Katie, I thought maybe I could go ahead and take her to the park or anything." "Yeah that is fine, she is in her bedroom. I like your hair, it looks nice." ronnie said and I nodded. I waddled back to Katie's room and knocked lightly on the door. "Mommy!" She yelled before wrapping her arms around me. "Hey baby do you want to go to the park?" She shook her head and pointed at the bed. "It is nap time, wanna take one with me?" I nodded and laid down on the bed with her and before I knew it, we were both asleep.