Slip Away.

Jamie POV.

My hair was greasy. I knew it was greasy from the way it hung onto my face and the back of my head itched. I wondered when I’d last washed it.

“Jamie,” Lee whispered. Lee Gaze whispered my name and stood one foot away from me and I tried to remember when the last time I had washed my hair was.

Three or four days, maybe? A week? I couldn’t work it out. I didn’t remember the last time I had a shower.

“Jamie, please look at me.”

I remembered bathrooms, if not showers or baths. Lots of time in bathrooms. Staring at the mirrors and mumbling incoherently, collapsing onto the floor with my head in my hands. Drinking and drinking the whiskey that I’d left Ian’s house for the first time to buy. I flinched slightly as I thought of another bathroom memory.

“Jamie, please!” He sounded anguished. I bit down on my lip tightly and raised my eyes to meet his. He stared at me for a few seconds, eyes wide.

Was he sorry? Was he thinking about how much he had broken me, how he had destroyed me? Was he thinking of something to try and say to make me feel a bit better about this whole mess?

Well, he couldn’t.

I felt an almost sick sense of satisfaction as I realised he was just as helpless in this if he cared about me. If he loved me, just as a friend, then he was nearly as lost as I. As soon as we love someone, we are no longer free.

“Jamie, I... I don’t know how to begin to explain this to you,” He stammered slightly, fidgeting with his belt nervously as he sat in his seat.

Hearts break more easily than you’d like to believe. All it took was for one person not to love you.

“Please, understand I never wanted to hurt you.”

Out of all the people in the world who didn’t love me, why him? Why Lee? Why should he be the one I loved, so kindly, so blindly? Why should I have met him, been with him, tasted him? Why did I have to part from him, break up with him, not be with him? Why did every one of these actions make my heart feel heavier?

“I just... I know we never meant the same amount to each other before, when we were together growing up and everything...”

Why did he have to tell me? Why did he have to come here and tell me he never loved me? I couldn’t take it.

“We never... I mean... I never, really told you...”

Oh god. Here it came. I felt my whole chest tighten up and an ache take ahold of my body. He was going to tear even my memories of being loved away. I couldn’t take it.

I wouldn’t take it.

“GO ON THEN!” I suddenly screamed, my eyes burning into his. He jumped right back, looking shocked. I felt the hot tears begin slipping away from my eyes as I unleashed the pure emotion upon him that I’d had locked inside of me for so long.

“J-Jamie-“

“Fucking tell me you never loved me!” I sobbed, still meeting his eyes. “Even though you said that you did, swore it, cried it. Fucking tell me you never cared. Fucking tell me you never wanted me! Fucking pretend that everyone isn’t laughing at me, that everyone doesn’t think I’m stupid. Fucking tell me I’ve got something to live for!”

My voice hardly even sounded like my own as my words poured out. My bitter, confused, angry, broken words. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t even want to. I’d begun to believe that I could pick up the pieces and live my life again, but now that I’d seen him I knew that they were broken dreams. I didn’t want a life without him. He didn’t want me, which meant I didn’t want life.

Lee’s piercing blue eyes were even wider than before, a frightened expression set into his face. He opened his mouth but didn’t speak. Finally I tore my eyes from him, my face dropping into my hands as I sobbed uncontrollably into them and the anger gave way to grief.

“Just go,” I choked out, wiping at my eyes with my fingers only for them to become re-soaked straight afterwards. “Just leave me alone, Lee.”

He stood up and moved over the room towards the door, which was behind me, where I sat on the sofa. I kept my eyes, which were drier now than they had been a minute ago, firmly on the skirting board of the opposite wall.

Just as he reached me and I thought he’d keep walking, he stopped. I didn’t look up.

“Not this time,” He whispered. “Not again.”

I’d barely lifted my gaze to his to question what he’d said, not understanding, when suddenly he threw himself onto me. I felt the full force of his weight land on top of me, my whole body tensing, my eyes widening, cheeks burning.

He grabbed hold of my face with both hands and held our faces about two inches apart, and then yelled louder than I’d ever heard him before.

“I LOVE YOU! Okay?! I know you think I’m just saying it to make you feel better or something, but I’m fucking not. I always have and I always will. There is nobody else for me. I.Fucking.Love.You.”

I froze, my hands either side of his thighs but not quite touching them.

“Y-you what?” I gasped, feeling heat rise over my neck and face.

Lee pressed his lips to mine, kissing me deeply and urgently, then pulled back to look at me.

“I need you, Jamie,” whispered the blond boy I’d fallen for so long ago, and, shaking, I ran my hand down the side of his face and cupped his chin.

“I’m yours.”