Sequel: Can't Have You ›
From Gumboots To Jimmy Choo's
Numb
I sat in my room for the rest of the day, curled up on my side on my bed. My body was numb. My stomach ached with pain. It hurt to think. Tear after tear rolled down my face and plopped onto the pillow, the already wet patch growing steadily larger.
I hadn't told anyone about Sam, not even Kristen. The pain I saw in Tyler's eye's was reason enough for me not to tell anyone else, not to inflict that on anyone else. My perfect week was crumbling in my hands but I made no attempt to grab it, to hold it together. I was tired of holding it together. For once I wanted to fall apart. As I lay on my bed, Sam's word's were drumming into my head,
"Baby, come on. It's only us, I've never hurt you? I love you."
How naive was I? Did I honestly believe he'd never hurt me? I laid my heart out for that boy and all he did was feed it to his fire. Hot angry, sad, depressed, stupid, young tears flowed on my pillow, a never ending stream.
My eye's were puffy and red, my nose blocked from sniffing so much. My stomach hurt from refusing to come out and eat. The boys had knocked many times but left when I gave no answer, I suppose they thought I was asleep. Had they come in it certainly would look like it but they had not. I heard my door open so I shut my eyes as the person walked over to the bed.
"Zoe?" Came Nick's soft voice, there was an edge of worry in his voice, "Are you asleep? Or are you pretending?"
I didn't reply. Nick sighed, "If it's about before, I'm sorry."
I still didn't reply and soon Nick's departing foot steps were all I heard. I lay on my bed and cried. My stomach growled and grumbled but I did not move. What had started out as a perfect day was now turning dark and sinister as I allowed past memories to relive themselves in my mind. I couldn't tell anyone, Tyler should not know what burden I had beared for the past year. My pain was not to be his pain. More and more tears flowed until my eyes hurt and the tears dried, unable to produce anymore I simply lay in silence, my eyes locked on the steadily darkening sky outside.
Oh how I wished I could be free.
Free from chores.
Free from this pain.
Free from myself.
+
I must've fallen asleep because next thing I knew I was being shaken awake. I looked up at saw Dad standing over me, a worried expression on his face.
"What's wrong?" I asked wearily, rubbing my sore eyes.
"What happened today Zo? The boys are worried about you." He said softly, sitting next to me. I closed my eyes for a moment before looking at him.
"I was just tired Dad, nothing's wrong." I said, not able to look into his eyes.
"Look me in the eyes when you say that and I'll believe." He replied, knowing I was lying.
I looked up, meeting his gaze, "I-"
I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him that I was tired. That I was fine. Because the truth was, I wasn't. I hadn't been right. My mask I wore each day to conceal the pain I had was slowly slipping away, crumbling under the pressure.
How does a daughter tell her father she was raped?
What father wants to see the pain reflecting each day in his daughters eyes? Forever knowing that your baby girl wasn't a girl anymore. But also knowing that that right of innocence had been forcefully taken? What daughter would allow her father to suffer each day on her part?
"I want to go to sleep." I said, looking in his eyes. It wasn't a lie, I was tired.
He studied my face but I kept my expression blank; emotionless.
"Alright." He finally said. He stood up and looked back down at me, he pulled me close, hugging tightly as if I were to disappear before his eyes. With a final kiss on the top of my head, he left my room.
It wasn't until midnight that I actually bothered getting up. I splashed water on my face and the stared in the mirror. A puffy eyed girl stared back, wondering where it all went wrong.
Ashamed, I went back to my bed, curling back up on it. Moments later I was joined by someone. I didn't know who it was nor did I really want to know. They sat on my bed but I kept my back to them.
They stroked my hair comfortingly but I kept my back to them. They lay next to me but I kept my back to them. They placed an arm around me, slowly I turned into their chest and fell asleep.
I hadn't told anyone about Sam, not even Kristen. The pain I saw in Tyler's eye's was reason enough for me not to tell anyone else, not to inflict that on anyone else. My perfect week was crumbling in my hands but I made no attempt to grab it, to hold it together. I was tired of holding it together. For once I wanted to fall apart. As I lay on my bed, Sam's word's were drumming into my head,
"Baby, come on. It's only us, I've never hurt you? I love you."
How naive was I? Did I honestly believe he'd never hurt me? I laid my heart out for that boy and all he did was feed it to his fire. Hot angry, sad, depressed, stupid, young tears flowed on my pillow, a never ending stream.
My eye's were puffy and red, my nose blocked from sniffing so much. My stomach hurt from refusing to come out and eat. The boys had knocked many times but left when I gave no answer, I suppose they thought I was asleep. Had they come in it certainly would look like it but they had not. I heard my door open so I shut my eyes as the person walked over to the bed.
"Zoe?" Came Nick's soft voice, there was an edge of worry in his voice, "Are you asleep? Or are you pretending?"
I didn't reply. Nick sighed, "If it's about before, I'm sorry."
I still didn't reply and soon Nick's departing foot steps were all I heard. I lay on my bed and cried. My stomach growled and grumbled but I did not move. What had started out as a perfect day was now turning dark and sinister as I allowed past memories to relive themselves in my mind. I couldn't tell anyone, Tyler should not know what burden I had beared for the past year. My pain was not to be his pain. More and more tears flowed until my eyes hurt and the tears dried, unable to produce anymore I simply lay in silence, my eyes locked on the steadily darkening sky outside.
Oh how I wished I could be free.
Free from chores.
Free from this pain.
Free from myself.
+
I must've fallen asleep because next thing I knew I was being shaken awake. I looked up at saw Dad standing over me, a worried expression on his face.
"What's wrong?" I asked wearily, rubbing my sore eyes.
"What happened today Zo? The boys are worried about you." He said softly, sitting next to me. I closed my eyes for a moment before looking at him.
"I was just tired Dad, nothing's wrong." I said, not able to look into his eyes.
"Look me in the eyes when you say that and I'll believe." He replied, knowing I was lying.
I looked up, meeting his gaze, "I-"
I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him that I was tired. That I was fine. Because the truth was, I wasn't. I hadn't been right. My mask I wore each day to conceal the pain I had was slowly slipping away, crumbling under the pressure.
How does a daughter tell her father she was raped?
What father wants to see the pain reflecting each day in his daughters eyes? Forever knowing that your baby girl wasn't a girl anymore. But also knowing that that right of innocence had been forcefully taken? What daughter would allow her father to suffer each day on her part?
"I want to go to sleep." I said, looking in his eyes. It wasn't a lie, I was tired.
He studied my face but I kept my expression blank; emotionless.
"Alright." He finally said. He stood up and looked back down at me, he pulled me close, hugging tightly as if I were to disappear before his eyes. With a final kiss on the top of my head, he left my room.
It wasn't until midnight that I actually bothered getting up. I splashed water on my face and the stared in the mirror. A puffy eyed girl stared back, wondering where it all went wrong.
Ashamed, I went back to my bed, curling back up on it. Moments later I was joined by someone. I didn't know who it was nor did I really want to know. They sat on my bed but I kept my back to them.
They stroked my hair comfortingly but I kept my back to them. They lay next to me but I kept my back to them. They placed an arm around me, slowly I turned into their chest and fell asleep.