Baby, You're Not In Hell Any More

I sat on the love seat next to Zack. He looked at me and gave me a weak smile. I returned the favor. He mumbled and ‘I’m sorry’ I shook my head to dismiss it. I looked at Val who stood by the door. With a blink she opened the door and in walked a red faced Matt and a clearly pissed off Brian.

“Emily!” Mat yelled, I didn’t just at the sudden loud voice in the room. He stood in front of me and paced. He picked at his chin and tried to regulate his breathing. He looked at Zack and I. “Where did you go? Why did you leave, not telling any one where you were going? And why in the fuck do you smell like pot?” He yelled.

“Um.” I bit my bottom lip so hard it bled. It was hard to not laugh as how stupid Matt looked right then. I cleared my throat. “Some clearing. Brian pissed me off. Didn’t think it mattered about when I was going to be back.” I ignored the pot question. I had hoped that me blaming my absence on Brian would piss him off, that they would forget about the last question and me neglecting to answer it.

“My fault!” Brian screamed. He moved from behind Matt and picked me up off the couch by my arm, so I was standing. His eyes were filled with sadness, disappointment and anger. It was a good thing that I had on sun glasses, so he couldn’t see me roll my eyes. “How is it my fault? And take off sun glasses in the house!” He tore the sun glasses from my face and toss them at Zack.

“I think I better…” Zack’s voice trailed as he stood up and got the sunglasses from the cushion next to him.

“Sit Baker.” Val warned. Zack muttered an apology and sat back down, with his head facing the ground. He acted like they had just caught us having sex, and he was in deep shit. It was like Matt and Val were my parents and Brain was an older brother. I wasn’t going to think of him like that, I would feel dirty.

Brian’s eyes turned to me, I could have swore I saw a ring of fire go around his pupil. He searched my eyes. He knew I smoked with Zack, and he looked pissed. “I need to talk to you!” Brian said in a harsh but normal voice. He pulled me by the arm towards the stares. “You’re next Baker!”

He pulled me into my room and slammed the door and locked it. I sat on the edge of my bed. I hung my head. I wasn’t sure why but I felt bad. I also needed food and water. Then a long nap would be good as well.

Brian walked over and stood in front of me. He had his arms pressed tightly across his chest. He glared down on me, making me feel so small. I didn’t say anything, neither did he for some time. I heard him sigh and the right side of the bed sink in right next to me.

“How is it my fault?” I heard Brian ask. I shuttered when he rested his arm around my shoulders and his cheek against my shoulder. I began to shake from the inside out.

If he only knew what was buried deep down into me about him. If he knew how he drove me mad sitting close to me, much like he is doing now. If he only knew how it broke my heart into a million pieces to see him and Michelle together. If he only knew….

“It just is.” I mumbled. I felt tears well up from behind my eyes. I felt my body sake as sobs escape my throat and through my lips.

“Why are you crying?” Brian asked whipping the tears form my cheeks. He cooed to me, trying to get me to calm down. Why did he have his affect on me? “Please, tell me what I did wrong?”

I let out a frustrated sigh and pushed him away standing. I stood in front of Brian, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I whipped them away and started to say what needed to be said for a long time now.

“It is your fault Brian.” I said. I took a deep breath and silently said good bye to everyone in the band and to Brian, because once he finds this out, he will avoid me at all cause. “You don’t know what you do to me or how you make me feel. When I’m around you I can’t keep my mind straight. Your touch sends fire running through my veins. There is so much passion lying underneath my hard surface. I can hardly look into your eyes because when I do, all I want to see is passion but all I see is a friend.” My crying had stopped, the sobs didn’t exist. I looked at Brian in the eyes, making sure I had his full attention and I did. I had the floor. “When I saw you with Michelle when I got off that bus…” My voice trailed and a new batch of tears, silent tears, fell from my eyes. Turning my eyes the same color of Zack’s. I have hazel eyes that change color. Brown is when I am happy, green is when I am very sad and deep deep brown, nearly black, is when I am pissed.

My heart broke, into a million pieces. I was sure I had no heart left. I felt so empty and broken. I have been broken before when Brian, my first love, passed away. You resemble him so much. You look the same, act the same it’s uncanny.” I sighed and whipped the tears from my eyes. “Love can touch us one time and last for a life time. When I looked into your eyes, I knew. I knew that I was hit by your bus for a reason. Weather you see it as that or not, I don’t know. All I know is what my mind tells me. It’s telling me to go on loving you and never voice it. I can’t keep these emotions inside me any more. It’s eating me alive.” I said. I saw Brian’s eyes flash something. I didn’t know what it was. Yet, he rised to his feet and walked over to me. He whipped a tear from my cheek. He kissed my lips softly.

“I’m sorry.” Brian whispered. I could smell faint alcohol on his breath, that masked my face. His breath was warm against my burning cheeks. I ignored the stench. “I’m sorry Emily. I’m so sorry.” He pulled me into a hug and I cried into his shoulder. He knew, he finally knew. But why didn’t I feel any better? Was it because he didn’t say the words I longed to hear?
I knew this wasn’t a dream. I knew it. It was real. He finally knew my deepest secret. What he thought of it, he didn’t say. But did he really need to say it?