Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

“Okay, what’s happening? Jody, tell me what’s going on!” Gabe demanded as Jody wheeled me into an operating room.

“Gabe, we don’t know. We are going to go take a look and see what’s going on,” Jody said calmly.

“What about the baby?” I croaked.

“We’ll see when we can get a better look. Gabe you have to stay here,” She said as we reached a set of doors. “I’ll let you know everything, okay? But you gotta stay in the waiting room.”

“I love you,” Gabe frantically kissed my head. He was not composed at all, which caused me to try and be the bigger person.

“I love you too. It’ll be alright!” I feigned a smile and then we went through the doors.

“Tell me the baby is going to be okay, Jody,” I almost whispered.

“We have to take a look,” Is all she responded and they pushed my stretcher into an operating room.

My clothes were taken off and a hospital gown was thrown on the top of me. Everything was happening so fast I didn’t know what was going on. They had an ultrasound going of my stomach and I just was fading faster. I felt my eyelids getting heavy.

“Her blood pressure is dropping!” I heard Jody yell. “We need to get her vitals hooked up.”

I faded out and all I could feel were my arms being pulled and prodded. They were hooking me up to IV’s and putting things on my chest. I tried to stay conscious in my head, but it was really hard.

“Sadler, stay with me okay?” I heard Jody say to me calmly.

“Wha-wha’s happening?” It felt like it took all of my energy just to get that out.

“The placenta detached early and you had some bleeding into it. We’re going to have to deliver the baby now.” I could feel myself feeling the IV’s and the shock of having to deliver the baby now woke me up a bit. I think it was the adrenaline.

“Is she going to be okay?” I asked and I didn’t get an answer.

A curtain was put up in front of me and I could feel that I was numb from the waist down. They were going to deliver my baby and it was going to be a beautiful day. That’s all I could think. I didn’t want to think of anything else. I wanted Gabe with me so bad. I needed him here to help me be strong.

”She had concealed bleeding,” I could hear a man say.

“What’s happening? Why won’t anyone talk to me?” I cried.

“Sadler, we have to get this procedure done and we’ll talk you through what happened. We are all needed to help in this, okay?” Jody soothed and then went back in front of the curtain.
I felt like I had been on the table for hours, but it had only been forty five minutes. I was starting to feel weak again. I fought to keep my eyelids open, but it was overwhelming.

“We gotta stop this bleeding!” I heard a man yell and my eyelids won the fight.

+++

“She’s gonna need a lot of support and rest, okay?” I heard Jody say as I laid asleep.

“We’re here for her,” I heard my mother say sadly and my heart sank. Did I lose the baby?

“Mom?!” I croaked fighting to open my eyes. I was definitely sore.

“Angel, how are you feeling?” My mother was at my side and pulled up a chair to stroke my face.

“Did I lose the baby? What happened?” I just started to cry.

“Oh, my angel,” She whispered. “They tried to save you both, they did. You had been bleeding for a few days they think and it was mostly concealed, but it got into the placenta.” She struggled with telling me the story.

“Where’s Gabe?” I cried.

“He’s here, he’s filling out some paperwork and he’ll be right in. We are here for you, okay?” She kissed my head and the tears dropped from her eyes too.

“Dad,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what baby-girl?” He asked sitting on the end of my bed and rubbing my legs.

“She was your little girl already,” I sobbed.

“Baby, it wasn’t your fault, okay?”

“Where’s Gabe? I just need to see him,” I cried uncontrollably.

“I’m right here,” He said out of breath as if had run to my room. He got into bed and laid next to me taking me in his arms.

“I lost our little girl, I’m so sorry,” I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.

“You did not. You didn’t do anything,” He rocked me in his arms and kissed my head.

“I’m sorry,” I just kept repeating it over and over again. I couldn’t help, but feel this was my fault.

“Stop it. You have no reason to be sorry,” Gabe cried.

“I should have just let you carry everything. I shouldn’t have been walking around,” I cried thinking back at things I could have done to cause this.

“You didn’t do anything. This happens sometimes and not because you did anything,” My mother stroked my hair.

I just cried. I couldn’t do anything else. I was speechless aside from apologizing. Gabe just held me and cried with me too. I had carried the baby for nine months and grown so attached. I was nervous for her, but more excited than anything. She was going to be the most spoiled baby ever and I was looking forward to her growing up and teaching her about the world.

“Do you want to eat?” Gabe asked me politely after a few hours. My parents had passed out in the chairs in the room.

“How can I eat?” I started to cry again.

“Baby, we’ll get through this, okay? I know it seems like it’s something we’ll never get over, but we’ll eventually have to. We’ll get through it together,” Gabe said kissing every part of my face.

“Help me figure out where to even start,” I held him as tight as I could.

“We’ll have to figure that out together because to be honest, I don’t even know.”

“Maybe a peanut butter and banana milk shake?” I said into his chest.

“Of course,” Gabe pushed my hair back from my face gently and kissed my forehead and then my nose and then my lips.

“And maybe-“

“A Take-5?” He cut me off with a smile as he crawled out of bed.

“And a Take-5,” I smiled and he grabbed his jacket and went out the door.

I just looked down at my stomach, it was all gone; everything. It really seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. How was I supposed to just move on from this? She was so close to being born and perfect. If I had just forced Gabe to take me to the hospital when I thought there was something wrong. If I hadn’t tried to calm myself down thinking it was just a normal thing, this would have all been different. I would be sitting here in the hospital with my little girl in my arms.

“Can I see her? Gabe, come on!” I could hear in the hallway. Meghan was really upset.

“It’s not visiting hours, but you can sneak in. Keep her company till I get back, okay?” I didn’t hear a response, but I heard footsteps down the hallway.

“Hey,” Meghan poked her head in the room, she had been crying.

“Hi,” I sighed trying to keep the waterworks back.

“How are you doing?” She crept into my room.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to feel or how to be,” I started crying again.

Meghan came and filled the spot next to me, where Gabe had been and put her arms around me. We just sat there silent for a bit. My parents both woke up and came to my side too.

“Thank you for coming, Meghan,” My mother said.

“We’re all in the waiting room, but I couldn’t wait for visiting hours,” She cried clutching me tighter.

“Who’s here?” I asked. I felt bad they were all here and waiting.

“Emily, Victoria, Ryland, Nate, Alex, Lipski, Rob, Tyler, Heath…I think the entire waiting room is here for you,” Meg laughed a bit.

“Tell them to go home. They shouldn’t be waiting for me.”

“They love you and they want to be here for you,” She said sternly.

“Be here for me? I just lost my baby,” I sobbed harder.

“You did not. Stop it with that talk,” She scolded again. Meghan never really took my whining, she would always give me tough love.

“We’re gonna go and get everyone food then,” My father said and swept his hand across my face. I just nodded.

“Sadler, you did nothing wrong. You have a huge and amazing support system and we’ll get you and Gabe through this,” She assured me.

“I really need to just be alone right now, okay? Tell everyone I love them,” I moved slowly onto my side and away from Meghan.

I needed to just be alone and not smothered for five minutes. I had to be alone with my thoughts and just try and get my head straight, if that was even possible. Meghan got out of the bed; she kissed my head and headed out the door. I threw off the covers and pulled up my gown and just stared at my stomach. It was all gone. I was empty.