Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

After almost a week in the hospital I got to go home. I’ve been home for two weeks now. I barely leave the house or better yet my bed. I just didn’t know how to get over this. Gabe seemed to be fine, getting over it in record time. I knew he wasn’t and was just being the stronger person, but it irked me that it came across that way. I almost resented him. I definitely haven’t been very nice to Gabe lately or anyone else for that matter. I just couldn’t help myself sometimes.

“Sadie, I’m going to the studio for a bit,” Gabe said as he poked his head into the room.

“Have fun,” I waved him off.

“I will. I love you,” He sounded hurt. I was hurting him every day, but he continued to tell me he loved me.

“Love you too,” I said without any emotion. I just wanted him to leave today.

I waited for about fifteen minutes until I was sure he was gone and I did what I did every day, I went to the baby’s room. I would sit in there for hours just thinking. I walked down the hall and went to open the door, but it was locked. How was it locked? We didn’t even have a key to the door. Then I noticed a deadbolt on the door. Gabe must have known. I tried to cover my tracks. I didn’t want him to know how bad I was, but I guess it was pretty obvious.
I walked back to my room and there was a note on the counter for me, from Gabe.

Take a shower and get dressed. I want you to come to the studio with me. A car will be out front for you soon. You need to get out.

I tried to rationalize with myself that this was good. I needed to get out. I needed to start “moving on,” even though I hated that phrase so much. There had to be a better term for it. I hated being the way I was, but I couldn’t shake it. I was overpowered by these strong emotions and hormones.

I went and got dressed and tried to think good thoughts and not be so depressed. There was a buzz at the door and it was the driver. I told him I’d be right down. I threw on one of Gabe’s sweatshirts and just let it hug me like a security blanket. I really needed to be nicer to him. He was more than patient with me and I seemed to give him the shit end of the stick.
I went down stairs and got in the car and we were off to the studio. Gabe wasn’t in the studio for Cobra, but he was helping out with Fall Out Boy’s new album; It seems like yesterday they put out their last album, but they were back at it.

I got to the studio and I was on the list at the desk and they let me up. I waved outside the window to them and let them finish up.

“Hey, I’m so glad you came,” Gabe smiled as he came to the door to get me.

“I’m trying,” I shrugged and he took my hand and brought me into his area.

“Hey Sadie!” Pete smiled and came and gave me a hug.

“Hi, how are you?” I asked as we separated.

“I’m good. How you doing?” He asked, but not in the “Oh, I heard what happened,” way, which was nice.

“Taking it one day at a time,” I smirked and took off my coat.

“Well, I’m glad you came. You always have a good ear too. Plus, Gabe’s been dying to show off for you. He wrote this really killer song for us,” Pete elbowed Gabe.

“Oh really? My husband did not tell me this,” I teased and raised an eyebrow at Gabe.

“I wanted to surprise you and that’s why you’re here,” He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. “I love when you wear my clothes,” He whispered.

“I love wearing your clothes,” I said and took his hand that was on my shoulder and kissed it. “So, impress me music man!” I smiled at him and he went to the board. Pete rejoined the rest of the group behind the glass. They all waved at me.

Gabe was a partyer and a troublemaker, but he had the best friends. They all made sure he didn’t make a complete ass out of himself and they were always there for him. I was glad that he had such great friends and that they were really good to me too. In the family and friend department we were the luckiest people. I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world. They really would help me get through this fog, this depression, whatever it was. I needed to trust that they wouldn’t let me fall so hard.

Gabe played with the levels a bit and then the guys started to lay down the track. It was so catchy I couldn’t help, but tap my foot. I had no doubt whatever Gabe put his mind to it would be great. He was so dedicated and so inspired. It was hard not to feel happy or at least in a good mood when he was around.

“Okay, now Patrick, let’s lay down some vocal,” Gabe said through the board. This was the first time he was actually producing a track, it was exciting to watch him.

The rest of Fall Out Boy came back into our area so Patrick could lay down the vocals.

“Hey Sadie!” Andy and Joe said pretty much in unison.

“Hi guys! You both sounded great!” I said and gave both of them a hug.

“Who was better?” Joe teased giving me an exaggerated wink.

“Well, I am married to a bassist, so I’m a little biased.”

“The bassists get all the chicks!” Andy winked and punched Pete.

Patrick started singing and I always loved his voice. I could sit and listen to Patrick sing all day long. The song was really good too; it was definitely a Fall Out Boy song with some Cobra Starship influences. I loved it.

“Gabe, this is such a good song,” I said and stood behind him at the board.

“Thank you, that means a lot to me,” He smiled and too my hand and held it over his shoulder kissing it lightly.

“We should go out and celebrate after this. Have some drinks!” Pete suggested out of the blue.

“Could we do dinner and drinks?” I suggested. “I’m fucking starving,” I laughed.

“Food and drinks!” Pete exclaimed. “I’m gonna see if Ash can have her mother watch the baby. They’re in town together and have her meet us out.”

“Perfect!” Gabe said and turned back to Patrick who was about to run through the song again.

“I’m gonna go home and change and actually shower and I’ll meet you guys back here?” I asked.

“You look perfect the way you are,” Gabe was still holding my hand over his shoulder and I put my other arm around him and squeezed him tight.

“You are such a terrible liar,” I kissed his head and got my stuff together. “I’ll be back in an hour.”

I went back to the house and today was actually going well. I was surrounded by great people who didn’t treat me like I was fragile, which is what I really needed. I know that I’ll have to deal with it eventually, but sometimes the sympathetic smiles and eyes are just annoying. No matter what they said it wasn’t going to change the fact that I had lost a child. It just wasn’t.

I showered and got dressed, that always boosted my spirits a bit, I felt more together. I headed back to the studio and just waited for them to be ready to go out. Ashlee had joined them when I returned. She gave me a huge hug. I didn’t know her that well, but from the times Gabe and I had gone out with her and Pete she was really nice. I liked her a lot actually, but sadly we didn’t see them too much as they lived in LA permanently. They were only out here to lay down some tracks on the album and do some business, but hopefully we could have them over for dinner and we could go out again with them. It was always nice having another couple to go out with. We used to do that with Emily and her boyfriend and Meg and Rob, but they both are no longer together.

I was still determined to figure out how to get Meg and Rob back together. Since everything happened with me and the baby, Meg asked to be transferred back to New York. She was in town starting tonight and would start back at work next week. She was staying with Emily for a bit till she found a new place. I told her she was crazy and didn’t need to be here, but secretly I wanted her to be with me. I needed her. Emily and I would always be close and she’d be my best friend, but Meghan and I were like sisters. She was like my sister I never had and I needed my sister. And now that she was back in the city who knows what’ll happen or if her and her boyfriend will last.

“I think we’re going to Counter,” Gabe stretched.

“How convenient for you and Andy,” I laughed.

“It’s good food!” Gabe countered.

“It is good food and good drinks,” I smiled.

We all headed out to Counter and they had put a little area together for us, since we were such a large group. We were bombarded a bit on the street by paparazzi and fans, but it wasn’t too bad. I was definitely not used to it. Gabe didn’t have paparazzi, but he did have a lot of hardcore fans. I have actually become friendly with a few of them that are constantly around our apartment. They’re harmless and very sweet. They even gave me baby gifts, it was really cute. They sent Gabe stuff all the time too. I was glad that they liked me, I’ve seen how brutal fans can be about significant others of band members. I definitely did not want that wrath.

We ordered dinner and drinks. Of course Gabe ordered a bottle of tequila, like it was a huge bash we were having. It was weird to be able to have an alcoholic drink. I hadn’t had alcohol in nine months. I was sure to be a lightweight now.

“Sadler, why don’t you pace yourself,” Gabe whispered to me. I had gone through three drinks in the hour that we’d been there.

“Whatever,” I said and rolled my eyes at him. I was getting pretty drunk.

“Let’s do tequila shots in honor of the new record!” Pete stood up and announced.

“Pete, there’s no need to shout,” Ashlee laughed.

“Can we get a round of shots, we’ll use our tequila?” Pete asked the waiter, who nodded and went to get shot glasses and all the accouterments

“Can I get another drink too?” I asked as the waiter passed by my chair.

“Sadie, really can you slow it down?” Gabe said sternly.

“I’m having fun. Do you want me to be depressed all the time?” I asked in an angry whisper.

“This is still you being depressed,” He snapped.

“Hey, guys, we’re having fun tonight, okay?” Joe interrupted and Gabe and I went back to sitting up straight and stopped fighting.

The waiter brought over the shot glasses, salt, limes and my other drink. Pete poured the shots and handed us all limes.

“To amazing friends, family and a kick ass new record,” Pete toasted and we all did our shot.

Our dinner came and we all sat around talking. I was starting to feel more depressed the more I drank, but I just couldn’t stop. I kept trying to numb it and it was easy because the drinks kept coming. Gabe was watching my like a hawk and taking drinks away from me. I eventually got them back from Pete or Joe. I was drunk and getting emotional, so I excused myself to go to the bathroom to freshen up and when I returned Bob McLynn the head of Crush Management was at our table.

“Hey, Sadler,” He said and got up from my seat. He gave me a hug.

“Hi Bob, how are you?” I was a little drunk and I could feel my lips getting numb.

“Good, you?”

“Okay, Gabe did you tell Bob?” I asked sitting down.

“Did I tell Bob what?” He laughed.

“That I lost our baby?” I said it matter-of-factly. I didn’t even know that was coming out of my mouth. I couldn’t control myself.

“Sadler,” Gabe scolded.

“What? Everyone here knows. Bob, I lost Gabe’s baby,” I smiled and pulled him up a chair from a table near us.

Everyone just went quiet and stared at each other and then Gabe not knowing what to say.

“Lighten up everyone! You didn’t lose a baby!” I laughed and downed my drink.

“Sadler, that’s enough,” Gabe said and he was picking me up off of my chair.

“Gabe, stop it!” I shouted at him, but I could barely stand. The alcohol was hitting me harder all of a sudden.

“We’re going,” He shouted at me and put my coat on. He was so pissed. He handed Pete money and then pushed me out of the restaurant.

“What? Why are you pushing me out of the restaurant?” I struggled in his grasp.

“Sadler, we’re going home,” He shouted and hailed a cab and practically tossed me inside.

“You’re hurting me!” I cried.

“Well, you’re hurting me,” He just stared out the window and didn’t even look at me.

“You know what hurts me? That you are over me losing the baby. Did you even want a baby? Did you even love it?” I cried in a drunken mess.

“I can’t even talk to you right now,” He sneered.

Gabe paid for the cab and pulled me out. He walked ahead of me not even waiting to see if I was okay. I had never seen him this mad before.

“Aren’t you going to wait for me?” I slurred.

“You know where we live,” He shot back and he took the stairs instead of the elevator.

I sat down in the lobby on a chair and just cried.

“Can we help you to your apartment Mrs. Saporta?” The doorman asked.

“No, thank you. I’m just gonna stay here for a bit,” The room was spinning.

I sat there for about a half hour. I could barely keep my head up I was so drunk. I knew I was drunk in the restaurant, but after I went to the bathroom I felt drunker. I was a mess. I finally got up off of the chair and made my way to the elevator. The elevator opened and Gabe was there.

“Come on,” He motioned for me to come in and he was much calmer now.

“I’m sorry,” I latched onto him.

“I’m sorry too. We need to get you some help. I know it was only three weeks ago, but you gotta help yourself here,” He rubbed my back as we rode the elevator up.

“I’m trying. I just…something always reminds me of it and sets me off and getting drunk probably wasn’t the best idea,” I was still pretty loaded.

“I’m not over it. I’m not, but you spiraled downward and I had to be the one to pick you up. I loved her so much and I love you and I’m here, but you gotta help me,” Gabe picked me up into his arms and took me out of the elevator. I nuzzled into the crook of his neck and just listened to his heartbeat.

“I will help you, I will,” I said and I was asleep.