The Spotlight

Looking back on things later it’s easy to point out how those next few months were just a downhill spiral. At the time though, no one noticed. Not even me. It was easy for me to fall straight back into the hurricane of touring. It also helped to give me the perfect excuses to allow for my issues to grow. Until I was no longer me. I had become something else. In secret I had picked up some new nasty habits. My first had started on the very first week of touring.

“Chloe! Come celebrate with us!” Nikki, one of my background dancers yelped with excitement.

Our first week of touring was finally finished and all of the dancers were going to celebrate in Nikki’s hotel room. I smiled and nodded at her. I joined the party with no hesitation. It was just going to be one good night of fun. Nothing more. And it started out that way too. Music was playing and everyone was having a great time. People were swaying to the music and laughing as if they didn’t have a care in the world. But things escalated rather quickly. Someone had gotten a hold of some liquor, and suddenly I didn’t even recognize half of the people at this party.

“Chloe, hey. What are you doing over here all by yourself? You want a drink?” Mike, another dancer asked.

“Nah, I’m good.”

“Just one! It’ll loosen you up a bit!” He smiled, handing me a cup with what looked like vodka inside. He ran his hand through his chesnut hair, and his eyes connected with mine. I tilted my head back and forth, unsure.

“Okay, just one! I have an early day tomorrow!”

He laughed as I took a sip, wincing as it traveled down my throat. Mike walked over to me, and we started to dance. But soon enough, one cup had turned into two. And before I had even blinked two cups had turned into four cups and three shots. Suddenly it was 3 a.m., I was so drunk I could hardly stand, and I was making out with some guy I had never even met before on Nikki’s bed. He was running his fingers through my hair, and I couldn't even keep my own thoughts straight. I wish I could say that was the first and last time that happened. But that would be a lie.

Soon enough I was partying every weekend. It didn’t take long for the habit to stick. Something I should have learned from Nellie's bout with the scene. I didn't though, and someone should have been there to stop me from going over the edge. But unfortunately, I had gotten way too god at hiding things. A talent I wish I had never gained.

“Honey, you look sick. Are you alright?” Jenna said to me one morning about a month into the tour at breakfast after a night full of drunken mishaps. I had a hangover and to make things worse I had just finished an entire muffin by myself.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I think I just need a nap. Last night’s concert really wiped me out.” I gather a small smile. My head was pounding and I just needed to get out of there. “Plus, I have to be rested up for tonight’s.”

“Well then go upstairs and take a nap, bud. We’ll see you later.” Jack said with a grin.

I nodded and left the room. Once I got inside my own room I didn’t go take a nap. Instead, I went to the bathroom and evicted the muffin from it’s home in my body. Carbs were a big no-no. I couldn’t afford to gain any weight. Especially, since I was so close to perfection. Just a few more pounds and then I’ll stop. Just a few more pounds. Just a few I kept promising myself. I stood up and looked into my mirror. Deep down in my conscience I heard myself screaming to stop. I knew this was unhealthy. I knew it wasn’t normal. But I pushed the feeling down. And I kept doing it again, and again, and again, and again.

Twenty minutes later I found myself in the hotel gym. I was making sure to keep my regimen up. I laid down and did my crunches with my iPod blasting workout music in my ears. Once I hit the 75 mark I felt my head start getting light, so I did a few more and stopped. But I knew I couldn’t just stop there. I got up, grabbed a cup of water and then headed over to the treadmills. I hopped on one and started running. I started pushing myself. And then the light headedness came back again. I blinked my eyes hard a few times to clear the spots that were coming over my vision.

“Come on. Just one more mile.” I coaxed myself.

I finished the mile just as the spots were leaving my almost blinded. I slammed down on the stop button and grabbed on to the handles on either side of the treadmill, inhaling deeply with my eyes firmly nailed shut. I gave myself a few seconds to catch my breath and then re-opened my eyes. Luckily, the spots had receded. I took a sip of my water and dumped the rest of it in the trash along with the cup. I headed up to my hotel room to take a calming shower so I would be refreshed and ready to go tonight.

Once I stepped into the shower I felt instantly relaxed. The hot water kneaded the knots in my back and stomach right out. I was hungry, but I knew I couldn’t succumb to it. This was for beauty, and well beauty is pain. I closed my eyes, letting the water run down my face.

In the calm of the moment, I let my mind wonder what Nick was doing at that moment. Yes, I had turned my back on him. I did this to myself. I had pretended that what he said to me didn’t matter. But the truth is that it did. I repeated his words in my mind time and time again. It didn’t change what I had done though. I left him standing there. Alone. Almost as if I had ignored what he said. As if I hadn’t bothered to listen. But I had. And his words were going to haunt me.

I shook my head and got myself out of the shower. I didn’t need to bother myself with this anymore. Everything was said and done. I couldn’t change my actions even if I wanted to, which I have convinced myself I didn’t. My life was fine the way it was. I got to sing in front of m fans every night, I was on my way to the ultimate body, and I was with my family. I was fine.

Later on that night I found myself backstage getting my hair and make-up done for the night’s performance. A ton of people were standing over me, dolling me up and gushing over me. I glanced over on either sides of me as people prepped my sisters as well. I watched as Nellie giggled while reading a text message that was probably from Joe. I turned my head to see Jenna and Jack talking about the store he had just bought in L.A. to expand his business. Apparently it was already up, running, and making decent profits. Jack left every once in a while to go back to L.A. and Florida to make sure everything was running smoothly. He’s even been looking into opening a 2 story store in New York City. I think his goal is to start an entire chain of stores.

I looked back into my mirror. This was the life I wanted more than anything else. I listened closely and could hear the screams of my fans and I smiled. The hair dresser placed one final pin to my hair and grinned with satisfaction. Then she looked down at the rest of me and her smile faltered a little bit.

“My you’ve gotten thin.” She said, placing her hands on my shoulders delicately as if she was scared that she might break me.

“Thanks!” I replied brightly.

At the time I hadn’t noticed the dismayed tone in her voice. Or the worry that had come across her eyes. She had been in the business long enough, I know now, to know what she was really seeing. However, she was also in the business long enough to know better than to say anything. She needed to support herself, so she couldn’t afford to lost her job by possibly saving my life. I wasn’t worth it. But at the same time, even now, I don’t blame her. Instead, she put on another smile and watched me as I hopped out of the chair and towards the entrance of the stage.

I watched as the lights dimmed and the screams got louder. A video began to play of us getting ready for tour with one of my songs playing in the background. The song then switched to one of Nellie’s then to one of Jenna’s and then back to me. The lights began to switch again and I knew it was my time to enter the stage. I started speaking into my mike as the platform began to rise.

“Are you ready for the Johnson Sisters’ World Tour?!” Screams went wild as the top of my head began to show while I was rising. “I can’t hear you!”

The screams got even louder. My platform was had now fully risen, and my sisters were reaching the top as well. Nellie had a huge smile on her face. As much as she hated to admit it, she got a huge adrenaline rush out of touring and loved it. Jenna had a smile on her face as well, waving to everyone in the audience because she didn’t want anyone to feel left out. I smiled and faced the center of the crowd. In the front row I could see a little girl crying in excitement. This is what I lived for. Even if I had to starve to do it.