Five Stages

Gil,
You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever.
Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired.
Out in the desert under that car that night, I realized something and I haven't been able to shake it.

Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends and out there in the desert it occured to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here.

I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go.
I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self destruct and worse, you'll be there to see it happen.

Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you were my one and only. I'll miss you with every beat of my heart.
Our life together was the only home I've ever had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will.

Goodbye.

Gil sighed heavily and put the letter down on his desk. It must've been his hundredth time reading it, and the heartache hadn't lessened at all.
He just couldn't believe that she was gone. His Sara was gone. Erased from his life without a moment's notice, the note that lay in front of him the only reminder of her existence here in Las Vegas.

With another long sigh, Gil put his head in his hands, closed his eyes, and massaged his temples gently, trying to soothe his pain and forget about Sara's leaving for at least a moment. But as he quickly discovered, being alone in his office with his thoughts as his only companion wasn't the brightest idea for someone in his situation.

'Maybe,' he thought to himself. 'Maybe Sara isn't gone at all. Maybe she's just trying to play with you...you know how she is.'

Gil knew in the back of his mind that he had to stop himself, but it was too late. His thoughts were already running rampant through his head.

'She's not gone, Gil--in fact, she's probably outside right now! Yeah, that's it. Sara's right outside this door, waiting for you. She never left.'

In his mind, he could picture her standing there. Arms crossed, with that familiar smirk on her face, just waiting for him to turn the doorknob. Waiting for him to realize that she'd never even left in the first place, and that it was all in his head.
He could feel his heart beating faster at the mere thought of her. He needed her here. He needed her now.

"Grissom!"

The sound of his name being called startled Gil, thrusting him back into reality. A black silhouette stood in his doorframe, which he identified as that of his co-worker, Catherine Willows.

"What is it, Cath?" he responded, trying not to let her hear the slight tremble in his voice.

"I've been paging you for ten minutes. Greg's finished with the DNA results from your casino murder case."

"I-I'll be right there."

"Make it quick."

Catherine closed Gil's office door behind her, once again leaving him alone. Only this time, he didn't feel the racing thoughts coming back. This time, all he could feel was the bitter sting of tears in his eyes, something he hadn't felt since long ago. And as the first one trickled down his cheek, he knew.

He knew he was in denial.