I Find Myself in You

"And now for our number one story of tonight, she's young, she's beautiful, she's stolen all our hearts, and now she's disappeared? After collapsing at her last show of her world tour, Lainey Peters walked away from the spotlight to take a break. Where is she now? Why home sweet home of course. After two back to back top box office hits, chart topping album, and her second world tour, it's no surprise the teen pop star just wants to take some time to herself. But after a heated argument with her label, people are questioning if Lainey just missed her prime. Did she walk away from her contract? Did she turn into a diva? Were her demands too much? Will be seeing her again soon? Stay tuned for the answers right after this break."

I groaned, turning the TV off as I fell back onto my couch. "Just shoot me now," I begged. I sighed. Take a few weeks off, my manager had said. Get your head on straight. And now here I was, the town I had been so eager to get out of. The middle of nowhere. The middle of Wyckoff, New Jersey. My sister had thought this would be the best place for a vacation, away from Hollywood, away from drama, away from everything, to a place I had been happy. Maybe the last place I had ever been happy.

My sister Flannery laughed. "Come on Lain, it's not that bad."

"Not that bad," I looked at her skeptically. Was something the matter with her? She had seen first hand everything that had happened. I couldn't write songs anymore. I couldn’t perform without help. I couldn't even go on talk shows without being told what to say anymore. I had become empty. I had become a walking, talking, singing machine. "I'm going to have a whole country thinking I'm some stuck up bitch."

She rolled her eyes. "Don't be so dramatic. You still have millions of fans."

I sighed. Of course she wouldn't get it. Millions of fans. Would they still love me when they knew that I didn't know if I even loved myself anymore? "Millions of fans that love me for something I'm not."

"What are you talk about," she asked impatiently.

"I'm talking about me Flannery," I sighed. "I'm talking about the fact that every single song I have written in the last three years has been changed to be 'good enough' to be a chart topper. I'm talking about the fact that I don't even know who I am anymore."

"Millions of girls would kill to be in your place Lainey," she reminded me simply. "Don't forget that."

I sighed, getting up. "I know Flannery. But thanks for all your compassion," I said coldly as I headed towards the door. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get away. I had to go somewhere and find me again.

"Where are you going," she asked.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"Lainey," my sister called after me before I shut the room door.

I sighed, stopping by the front door. I pressed my forehead against the door. Millions of girls would kill to be me. But would they really? Would they want my life? My life of make-believe and control? Would they want to feel so lost and belittled and so unhappy?

I got into my car, just rubbing my forehead. Why had I come back here? What was I really expecting to find? My identity? My inspiration? What was the point? The second I got to California again, it would be crushed out of me. My phone rang. Flannery. I ignored it and turned my phone on silent. I really wasn't in the mood for Flannery's guilt trips on how I was wasting my life, and how ungrateful I was. It was always the same. And I just couldn't take it right now.

I just drove around thankful that the paparazzi hadn't shown up at my door yet. I was still able to enjoy whatever peace I could until they showed me to document my life on the breaks, as I knew they would. They could never leave me alone. I really didn't feel like smiling for the cameras right now. I just wanted to be me again. I wanted to find my music again. Was that really too big a dream?