I Find Myself in You

“The school,” I asked skeptically as Joe led me down the familiar halls. How long ago had I been here? It felt like forever, like another life. “This is what you think I need right now? Can’t I just go back to my ice cream and wallow? That was helping.”

Joe laughed. “It’s not just the school. I’ll show you where we’re going,” he said. “And no you cannot not.”

“How did you even get us in here,” I asked, suddenly remembering it was after hours as we passed through the shadows. The school was locked. And yet the door was open. And Joe had led us right in.

He smirked. “You never found the open door while you were here,” he asked. ‘The one on the patio?”

“The one the potheads all sneak out through during school hours to smoke on campus,” I remembered. I knew about it. Everyone did. “It’s not like I ever used it though. I never smoked.”

He turned around to roll his eyes at me. “I don’t either,” he said. “I just know about it because we’d always sneak out to go get decent food. Come on, you at least have to remember the crap they fed us here. I would have left just cause of the food.”

I laughed. “You would.”

He laughed too before stopping and turning to face a door. “Here we are,” he said.

I read the letters on the window of the door. “Why are we going backstage? What are we doing here?”

He merely smiled and opened the door, pulling me in. “Don’t you remember it Lainey,” he asked. He pulled me through the props section. I looked around, seeing so many items, remembering so many days. How many shows had I done with these very items? It felt so distant, as if it had been another life, as if there had never been anyone but the Lainey Peters. Joe stopped us in front of the grand piano. He hit a key, pulling me out of my thoughts. I smiled, sitting down on the small bench next to him.

I sighed, my fingers lightly stoking the piano keys without hitting them. I didn’t really want to hear them. I didn’t want to remember singing to them, performing on the stage. I didn’t want to remember my old life. But Joe seemed intent on reminding me because he pushed another key, then another one and another one, playing a random rhythm. It sounded so natural, so comforting, so right. I sighed and hit a key too, then another one and another one. He smiled at me and we started playing faster and faster, just hitting random keys. We were laughing before long, our music a jumble of notes. “Sophomore year Spring Musical,” he said suddenly. “Remember that show?”

I nodded, smiling sadly. That was my final show on this stage. My very last show as regular old Lainey Peters. At the end, the director had let me play a solo on this piano, my last solo here. I remembered it so well. I remembered standing on this stage, knowing I was leaving for Hollywood, knowing I was leaving this life behind, and promising myself I would never forget it. And then what had I done? Spent two years of my life trying to forget this place even existed.

Joe just watched me, letting me remember myself. After a few moments, he spoke softly. “That was the last show I ever watched at this school,” he told me.

“Why,” I asked him, taken back.

He shrugged. “It wasn’t the same after you left.”

I sighed, getting up and walking to where the microphone was, facing the empty auditorium. Someone had left the curtains open, and so for a moment, I closed my eyes, and pretended it was two years ago, and I was getting on this stage to perform for everyone I knew, not for thousands and thousands of people I would never know.

“Sing something,” he said quietly, suddenly next to me.

“What,” I laughed.

“Come on,” he pushed the microphone towards me. “Sing something.”

“Sing what,” I asked.

“You’re Lainey freaking Peters,” he rolled his eyes. “Pick a song, any song.”

I glared at him and sighed. “Fine,” I said as I tried to think of what to sing. I decided to go with something different than what I had been singing for the last two years, something that I had been working on, something that showed how I was feeling now.

“I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,” I sang. Joe gave me the thumbs up.

”Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb,” I grabbed the microphone, really getting into the song now.

“The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh,” I finished and looked at Joe.

He was staring at me, a smile on his face.

“So what did you think,” I asked, biting my lip anxiously.

He tapped his chin, pretending to think about it. I rolled my eyes. He laughed. “Just kidding. It was amazing Lainey, really.”

I squealed and threw my arms around him, so happy. I didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was because while I was singing that song, I had felt happier than I had in a long time. I felt like a long time ago. And it felt good.

He wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me back.

The hug lasted too long. It began to grow awkward. I pulled back quickly, straightening out my shirt. I pretended to cough. “Um, thanks,” I said.

He looked at his hands. “No problem.”

We were sitting on the side of the stage, our feet dangling off of it, and just talking. It was easy to talk to Joe. So short a time and he had already become one of my best friends. Maybe it was because he knew me better than I knew myself. “Okay, so favorite color,” he asked.

“Green,” I replied. “Favorite ice cream?”

“Rocky Road definitely,” he replied. “Favorite Jonas Brother?”

I smirked. “Nick.”

He pretended to be hurt. “Ouch, and here I thought I was your favorite.”

“Nah, your hair is too straight,” I shrugged. “And in the words of the great Alec Baldwin, your eyebrows look like they were sharpied in.”

He swatted me playfully, and laughed. “Okay, um, what about – your favorite memory?”

I thought about it. “Before or after the fame,” I asked.

“Both,” he shrugged.

“Hmm – okay, my favorite one after getting discovered would be my first sold out show at Madison Square Garden during my first headlining tour. That night – everything went perfectly. It was like a dream,” I smiled fondly at the memory.

“And before,” he asked.

I sighed, and looked out over the stage. “My first production here,” I replied quietly. ”My parents were both here. It wasn’t about tickets or profits or perfection. It was just about having fun doing what I love, entertaining people. I loved getting on this stage and seeing everyone’s faced on me, waiting for me to perform. I loved that feeling. But it – it hasn’t been the same since.”

Joe was staring intently at my face. I smiled embarrassedly. “I know, I keep talking about the same thing,” I said. “I’ll stop.”

“No, it’s fine,” he said quietly. Slowly, he reached over and pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear. I sat frozen, staring at him. What was he doing? He was leaning closer and closer. “Lainey,” he whispered, his face so close to mine that I could feel his breath on my skin.

“Yeah,” I whispered back.

“I remember that day,” he said quietly before leaning in closer. His lips moved closer and closer to mine.