I Find Myself in You

He was moving closer and closer. I didn’t really know what to do. I couldn’t kiss him, not when I was still so into Jesse. But wasn’t I trying to move forward? Maybe kissing Joe would get me there. Hanging out with Joe made me feel like – me again. Something I hadn’t felt in so long. But, could I just kiss him back? I felt his soft lips lightly touch mine, gentle and reserved as if waiting for the okay. I couldn’t give it. He pulled away quickly. “Sorry,” he mumbled quickly. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay,” I assured him.

“Can we forget that happened,” he asked anxiously.

“Forgotten,” I smiled weakly, though I knew neither of us were going to really forget this.

But this was bad. I mean, I had sensed there was something brewing for a while now. I could tell Joe felt – something for me. But I didn’t like him like that. I didn’t know why. It was obvious Joe was an amazing guy. Buy I just – didn’t. He had become too close a friend in such a short time. And though I knew h may be perfect for me, I could only think of Jesse.

“Do you want to go home now,” Joe asked, getting off the side of the stage.

I nodded, and got up too, following him through the prop room. My phone vibrated. 1 new text message. I opened it. Hey Devi, it’s Pete from Wolff Productions. Reading lines tomorrow, I heard.

What the hell? When had I agreed to read lines? I did not want to try out for any role. I wasn’t ready yet. Who told you that I texted back as Joe and I walked in silence out of the building.

Your mom was what I got back. It wasn’t an insult. No, it was the actual answer. And I knew it was something my mom would do, get me to do what she wanted on her clock by making my decisions before even consulting me.

“Everything okay,” Joe asked me as I took a deep breath.

I looked at him. I wanted to tell him. But something was stopping me. I didn’t know what, but I felt like I couldn’t tell Joe. “Yeah, everything’s fine,” I lied.

---

“What the hell Flan,” I slammed the door shut as I stormed into my house. Joe had dropped me off and gone home. He had asked me if I wanted to go to his house and watch a movie, but it was too weird. And I had a rather pressing issue.

“Hello to you too,” my sister rolled her eyes as she came out of the kitchen. “What happened now? Another tabloid?”

“When the hell did mom tell the Wolff Productions guy I was going to ‘read lines’ for a part,” I demanded.

Flannery’s face was composed – too composed. “When I told you about the part,” she replied after a moment.

“What the hell Flannery,” I groaned. “I told you I didn’t want to.”

“The script is here already,” she informed me. “What’s the harm in just going to read lines?”

“The fact that hmm, I don’t know, I don’t want to,” I said.

She sighed. “Lainey, you’re in this business whether you want to be or not anymore. And that means sacrifices.”

“How would you know,” I said coldly. I knew it was a cheap shot. I knew Flannery would kill to be me, or rather to be in my position, a famous rock star, and movie star. And I was pretty sure Flannery would like it a whole lot more than I did.

Again, the composed face came up. “Well, now you have to,” she said. “Your schedule was made.”

I groaned. “It’s my life,” I said. “Why can’t I get a say? I mean, I fucking fell at my last show. I can’t go back to the business yet – not tell I get my head cleared.”

“Which could be forever,” Flannery rolled her eyes. “Just face it Lain. Your life isn’t just yours. It’s also every single one of your fans, which means you have to be out there – for them.”

“They’d understand,” I said quietly.

“Would they,” she inquired, though I knew what she was thinking. It was the same thing I was. I would be disappointing a lot of people.

I sighed. “I’ll be in my room,” I went upstairs. I closed the door when my phone rang. It was Nick. I picked it up. “Hey.”

“Hey Lainey,” his voice came through the phone. “Um, do you know what happened to Joe,” he asked. “He’s asking all weird. And I think it has something to do with you.”

It’s the first kiss, it’s flawless, really something, it’s fearless

Now if only that were true.