I Find Myself in You

I turned to Phil. “Do you think you could give me a minute with my boyfriend here?”

He just smiled and nodded, ushering everyone out. As soon as they were out, I turned to see Jesse sitting at the table again, his feet up, smirking at me. “Nice little role you got lined up here? Almost makes me wish I were doing more than just reading lines with you.”

“Go to hell,” I glared at him.

He laughed. “Ouch. And here I thought you loved me.”

“Cut the crap,” I rolled my eyes. “Just tell me what you’re doing here.”

“Funny story actually,” he said. “I was looking at the tabloids as I do every week, just to make sure they aren’t saying anything about me, of course.”

“Of course,” I noted with sarcasm.

“And I stumbled on this picture of you – climbing out of Joe’s window,” he said.

I just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. The asshole was going to blackmail me? Nothing had even happened with Joe. I wouldn’t care if he told anyone anything that is I wouldn’t if I didn’t know Joe liked me. What kind of pain and torment would that cause him? Being linked with me? I had already come to this audition to get away from him, to put enough distance between us that would help him. How would it be if everywhere he looked, he saw a possibility of us being together?

“Now imagine my surprise, seeing that picture the night you kicked me out of your room,” he continued. “I’m sure you can feel my hurt. You left me to find comfort with that Jonas. I thought about it for a while after that, everyday in fact. Why? And then I thought maybe you liked him, maybe you liked him more than me even? Maybe you loved him. Well I figured something out. You wouldn’t want anyone to know. I mean, I know you well enough to know that you aren’t with him. No, that would taint your self discovery. And I of course still love you. So how could I work both of our needs to my advantage? You finding yourself, and me getting you. And then it hit me.”

“Aren’t you so smart?” I rolled my eyes. How had I ever liked this guy?

He stood up and came close, standing right in front of me. The back of his fingers slowly grazed my cheek. I turned my head away from him. He laughed. “It actually is genius if you think about it. So long as you’re with me, I won’t say a word about your romance with Joseph. Deal?”

“That’s so stupid,” I rolled my eyes again. “It’ll never work.”

He smirked, leaning forward, his lips lightly meeting my cheeks. “Oh but it’s working already.”

I moved away. “I never expected you to be so conniving.”

He shrugged, a smirk still on his face. “Love does that to you.”

“Love,” I laughed, sarcasm leaking in my voice. “You don’t love me. You love the image of having me with you.”

He took a deep breath. “However you want to see, that’s on you. But the deal’s on the table Lainey. And that’s my final offer.”

I sighed. “I hate you.”

“So it that a yes?”

I went to the door, and opened it. “You guys can come back,” I told Phil.

“Excellent,” Phil came back in followed by a few people. I took a seat across from Jesse.

“Want to get lunch after this babe?” Jesse asked, a smirk on his face.

“You know me too well babe,” I smiled fakely at him. The world was full of fake people, my whole life was. Everyone I knew was fake, or deceitful. It was time I joined the bunch, I guess. I smiled at my ‘boyfriend’, hating him more and more by the second.

---

“Okay so,” Nick started strumming the guitar as he began singing. “if time was still the sum would never never find us.” He groaned, his hand stopping the strings. We were sitting in the living room, trying to write a new song. “What about—I don’t know.”

“We could light up,” I suggested, singing. Nick strummed again. “The sky tonight. I would see the world through your eyes.”

“Leave it all behind,” Nick finished.

“It’s you and me forever?” Kevin suggested.

“It’s you and me forever,” I sang. “You and me right now.”

“That’d be alright,” Nick continued. “Be alright. We'll chase the stars to lose our shadow. Um -- Peter Pan and Wendy turned out fine?”

“So won’t you fly with me?” I sang.

“Oh yeah,” Nick added. “Gonna fly with me now.”

“Fly with me?” Kevin said. “That’s good.”

“It works really well,” Nick agreed.

I just nodded, my thoughts a thousand miles away. I still couldn’t believe Lainey had gone. She didn’t want that part. She wasn’t going to take it. So why had she? She had left without saying goodbye. She was just gone. Just like that, she was gone. And with her, she had left me empty. For years I had waited to meet her again. I had waited to see her. And when I did, she was right there. She was everything I remembered, everything I missed. I sighed, shaking my head. She was gone. I had to forget about her.

I looked at my brothers to find them both staring at me. “What?” I asked, looking back down.

Nick just shook his head and Kevin sighed.

“Can we just stick to the song writing?” I groaned. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“We just—”

“She’s gone, okay? I know that. And I’m not even thinking about her, and you guys have a lot of nerve even assuming I was, and are you serious? Not every single thought that goes through my brain is about her you know? And can you guys just leave me alone? I like her, okay? Fine if you want to get all technical, I may even love her. But just because I’ve been thinking about her for the last like 5 years doesn’t mean anything. And just cause she left doesn’t mean I’m going to be all mopey and dopey and will you guys just cool it al—- wait, why aren’t you guys being all get over her and yata yata blah blah?”

Nick and Kevin were just smirking at me. Kevin looked at Nick. “Oh I think we pretty much covered it all, don’t you?”

Nick nodded in agreement. “Even more so.”

I rolled my eyes. “You guys are so funny. Really, if this whole rock star thing doesn’t work out for us, you guys should definitely have a comedy show.”

“She might come back, you know?” Nick said quietly.

“I know,” I said. She would be back. She was still lost. She still needed to find home. And home was here. “She’ll be back.”

“And we might still be here,” Kevin said. “Besides, even if she didn’t or we aren’t, we’re all celebrities. We’re going to see her again.”

I nodded. I didn’t really want to talk about this anymore. Nick seemed to sense that. “So Fly With Me? Seems like a good title, no?”

Thank God he was so perceptive. I picked up the sheet we had written everything on when my phone rang. Demi. “Hello?” I picked up.

“Oh my God, you will never believe what Selena just told me,” she was saying quickly.

“I’m guessing you’re going to tell me,” I said.

“Well obviously. She said that she saw Miley when she was guest starring on Hannah Montana, and they were taping or whatever, and Miley told her that Mandie, who heard from—“

“Any day now Demi,” I laughed.

“Fine, jeez,” she said. “Lainey is going out with Jesse again.”

I almost dropped the phone.