I Find Myself in You

“Well Lainey,” Ryan said as we came back from break. “I cannot say we aren’t honored to be the very first stop on your return to the top here on air with Ryan Seacrest.”

I smiled and giggled. “Well I always had a bit of a crush on you Ryan,” I said slyly.

“Oh man,” he chuckled. “You’re 18, right?”

“Yup,” I grinned. “All legal.”

He sighed, pretending to be conflicted. I knew it was all an act, just as it was on my end. I mean, Ryan was cool and all, but I was ‘dating’ Jesse, the air quotes evident even in my thoughts. “Unfortunately, I don’t think my man Jesse would be all too happy about that,” he said.

“Darn,” I snapped my fingers. Hmm, maybe I could hook up with Ryan and Jesse would dump me. Could work, right? I thought so.

“I got to say,” he continued. “I’m a bit surprised you guys are actually together. I mean all those rumors going around, with him hooking up with your best friend, Miley Cyrus. No truth behind that?”

“Nope Ryan,” I lied, smiling as I spit out the lie I had practiced again and again. It felt like acid in my mouth. “Those were just rumors.” I wondered if the words sounded as fake to him as they did to me.

“What about the rumors of you and a certain Jonas?” Ryan asked. “I mean, I got to say, we had the boys in here recently, and Joe is definitely my favorite. Kidding, but no seriously, they’re all very nice boys.”

I smiled. “Yeah, they are nice.”

“And good looking,” he nodded, smirking.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yes, they are very good looking.”

“But,” Ryan prompted.

I sighed. “But Joe and I are just friends.”

“Well at least you have Jesse,” Ryan changed the subject when he saw the look on my face. We were ‘friends’ that hadn’t talked in so long. All my unanswered calls to his phone came to my mind. I knew it was wrong to even call. I mean, I had led him on, and then I left without saying good bye. And now I couldn’t even leave him alone. But I needed him. As sad and wrong as it was, I did. I was so lost without talking to him. He hadn’t answered any of my calls, nor had he called me back. But could I really blame him? If it were me, I’d do the same.

“Yeah, Jesse is great,” I lied. It seemed every word about Jesse that came from my mouth was a lie. Lie after lie, my life had become. I had turned into the one thing I had never wanted. I was Hollywood pristine material.

“You guys seem like you’re really in love,” the girl next to Ryan commented.

I shrugged, putting a fake smile on. Fake, fake, fake. That was all my life was. I should never have left New Jersey, I knew. “He makes me happy.”

“So we hear you’re actually working on new songs right now,” Ryan said.

“I am,” I grinned. That was the one thing going right. The label had finally backed off a bit, and my music had so much more of me in it.

“And we understand that you’re going to play a little something for us,” he continued.

“Yeah,” I said, picking up the guitar I had brought. I took a deep breath. “This is a brand new song I wrote recently. It’s called Erase and Rewind. Hope you like it.”

“I don't want to feel like this
I don't want to, I don't want to
I don't want to freak you out
But I (but I, but I)
Think I might have said too much
Didn't mean to, didn't mean to
Think I might have said it's you
And I (and I, and I)

Guess I should leave this behind
Guess I should erase and rewind
But somehow I can't seem to stay away
I don't want to sound desperate but I am
So say that you'll come around
Guess I should erase and rewind
Erase and rewind

I don't wanna stand in line
Like I used to, like I used to
I don't wanna have to scream
And shout (and shout, and shout)
Cause I'm the kind of girl that sticks
Like a tattoo, like a tattoo
Yeah I'm the kind of girl that wears
On your arm, a-a-arm

Guess I should leave this behind
Guess I should erase and rewind
But somehow I can't seem to stay away
I don't want to sound desperate but I am
So say that you'll come around
Guess I should erase and rewind
Erase and rewind

You never do return my calls
Just like we never met at all
No matter what I'll always wait for you
I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you

I don't wanna feel like this
I don't want to (Yea-ea-eah)

Guess I should leave this behind
Guess I should erase and rewind
But somehow I can't seem to stay away
I don't want to sound desperate but I am
So say that you'll come around
Guess I should erase and rewind
Erase, erase and rewind

Guess I should leave this behind
Guess I should erase and rewind
But somehow I can't seem to stay away
I don't want to sound desperate but I am
So say that you'll come around
Guess I should erase and rewind
Erase and rewind,” I finished.

Ryan was smirking knowingly at me. But all he said was, “Wow Lainey that was definitely some of your best stuff.”

I grinned, feeling so exhilarated. Finally, my music told my story again. Finally, the words were my own. Finally, I could inspire someone with my words, with something someone somewhere could relate to. The song was about Joe to me, there was no denying that. Though, if anyone asked, I would have to. That was part of Jesse’s demands. I could not continue talking to Joe as much. There could be no doubt that Joe and I were just friends, or he’d let it spill that maybe we weren’t, and maybe I was the cheater in this whole thing. I couldn’t let Joe’s reputation or mine be ruined like that. So, for now, I went along with Jesse’s ludicrous demands. I just hoped that Joe would call me, and maybe we could be friends again. Because I really was desperate. I needed him, more than I liked, and definitely more than was good for either of us.