I Find Myself in You

I could hear the audience from my dressing room. It filled me with such adrenaline. I hadn’t felt this in so long. For the first time in ages, I felt myself grow more and more excited with every show. They were here to see me, they were here to hear me, the real me, not what my label had decided I should be. As I finished getting ready, I tried not to think about who had brought me here, who had helped me realize I was worth fighting for, who had helped me find herself again. Still, my mind betrayed me and the only thought was of him, and our last conversation.

”What are you doing here, Joe?” I asked as I walked to my mirror, picking up my makeup remover. I tried not to look at him through the mirror behind me as I started removing my make-up. I was on a tight schedule, whatever the inconvenience this caused.

“You haven’t returned any of my calls. You disappear and then I find out you’re on tour. You left – without even listening to my side of the story,” he said, his voice pained. “Lainey, I want you to listen to me. I want you to know that I’m not walking out on you, and I don’t want you to walk away from me either.”

I didn’t say anything, not trusting my own voice just yet.

“Lainey, you know how the paparazzi work, and you know me. You know I’d never hurt you. You know they’re just trying to break us up.”

I took a breath and finally turned, my eyes meeting his. “They don’t have to. I’m doing it now. I’m sorry, Joe, but this – it can’t go on any longer. You need to go and move on from me.”

He winced at my words. “Lainey, please, I love you.”

“No, Joe, maybe you should hear me out before you try to say something you may regret later,” I took a deep breath and blinked down my tears. Every word from my mouth was a lie. And every lie cut through me so deeply than the last. “I know you think you love me, but you don’t. What we were doing, it wasn’t love. You were helping me keep from drowning. What you felt for me, it was what you would feel for a lost puppy and what I felt for you was gratitude that was all.”

“You’re lying,” he said, knowing me too well. “I know you, Lainey. You love me too.”

“You don’t know me as well as you think,” I lied and lied and lied.

“I do,” he said, stepping towards me. I took a step back, not allowing myself to be near him, knowing my walls would fall. “Lainey, you’re scared I’ll hurt you. You’re scared of not knowing what you’re getting yourself into. You’re scared of losing yourself again. But Lainey, none of that will ever happen. I would never hurt you. I would rather hurt myself first. And I would never expect you to give any of yourself up. I don’t expect you to change anything for me. I love you for you, not for who I want you to be. And I’m scared too, of what we’re getting into. But I know that whatever happens, as long as we’re together, we can make it through.”

I sighed, wanting so badly to believe in him and his words. But I had been through too much, life had taught me too much against it. “Joe, I really think you should go. I’m sorry, I know this is hard to hear, but I don’t feel anything for you. And I don’t think I ever did.”

I watched and felt my heart break as the pain became evident on his face. I was hurting him so badly with my lies. But I knew this was the best thing for us. I couldn’t concentrate around Joe, and I knew eventually I would get hurt. It always happened, no matter what. Love didn’t last forever. And I knew we had to end it before we got in so deep that it hurt too much, and I knew that being hurt by Joe would hurt more than anything or anyone. I couldn’t go through that, I refused to put either of us through it.

“I’ll go,” he said quietly, stepping back. He turned and started walking to the door, pausing as he opened it. “You’re wrong, though. This was more than gratitude or a need to help. I know it, and I hope one day, you realize that too.”

I sighed, knowing I shouldn’t be thinking of it. I had made my choice and now had to live with the consequences. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe I was right, but it still hurt me every day, just as much as it had the day it had been done. I forced myself to stop thinking I needed him. I didn’t, not anymore. I could take care of myself, as I had done since my dad passed away. I took a deep breath and looked myself over in the mirror one last time. I looked good, and I was ready. As if on cue, there was a knock on the door. “Lainey, it’s time,’ Flannery said from outside.

I nodded to myself, took a deep breath and walked out. Flannery smiled at me. ‘You ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I grinned, and took her hand, almost running to the ramp that would take me up.

She hugged me before I got on. “Good luck.”

I smiled at my sister, glad we had come so far. “Thanks. Hey, let’s get Chinese after this?”

She laughed. “Alright, I’ll call during your last set.”

I stood as the ramp started going up and I grinned as I faced the crowd. Their screams were slightly blocked out by my ear pieces, but not enough to stop them completely. “Come on everybody, are you ready?” I was met by loud screams. Running to the mic stand, I started. As I listened to them, I knew I was where I was supposed to be.