I Find Myself in You

“Looking back
Where I'm from
Can't believe that I'm here
Gave my all
Paid the price
And I do it again
I've walked alone in my head
I've cried in my bed
But the morning lights
Oh so bright
Wake me again

It's about faith and
It's about fate
It's about risking it all everyday
It's about holding when you wanna let go
It's just believing in all that you know

Here I am
Now standing on the edge
Everything I know coming together
All my life
I've seen it in my dreams
Waiting for the day
I'm just a second away

I'm taking time
Reaching down
To walk through my fear
Break it down
In my head
I can see it so clear
I work it out
In my heart
I see it appear
The world is so beautiful
From the view up here

It's about living
Not just getting by
It's about reaching when
There's nothing inside
It's about breathing
When all it too much
It's about standing when you wanna give up

Here I am
Now standing on the edge
Everything I know coming together
All my life
I've seen it in my dreams
Waiting for the day
I'm just a second away

Everything is disappearing
Standing up here alone
And I feel like
I'm standing forever
This is where I belong

Here I am
Now standing on the edge
Everything I know coming together
All my life
I've seen it in my dreams
Waiting for the day
I'm just a second away

Here I am now
Yeah
Here I am
Now standing on the edge
Everything I know coming together
All my life
I've seen it in my dreams
Waiting for the day
I'm just a second away

I'm just a second away
I'm just a second away,” I finished.

The crowd erupted in applause, and I took a bow. “Thank you guys so much. This was the very first show of my brand new Here I Am Tour, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.”

After a little while, the stage where I was standing lowered, and I disappeared from view.

“Great job,” Flannery said, hugging me as I got off under the stage. “Amazing first show, really.”

“Thanks,” I said, taking the towel someone was handing me and wiping my face. “Great job everybody!”

The crew all erupted in applause as well. I smiled and started walking towards my dressing room.

“Uh, Lain, before you go in there, I need to talk to you,” Flannery ran behind me.

“What?” I looked back at her as I kept walking. I was tired. I just wanted to change and get back to the bus and sleep. Usually, the band would be having a party in the other bus and I’d be there, that’s how every other tour had been. But tonight, tonight I was too exhausted. And I just wanted to be alone. But then, I always just wanted to be alone now. It was safer alone. It was safer away from distractions.

“Lainey, wait please,” she begged nervously.

I sighed, still walking. “Just tell me already, Flan. I’m tired. I want to get my stuff and go to sleep.”

“Oh I don’t think you’ll be sleeping tonight,” she mumbled.

“Yeah cause that’s not elusive or anything.”

“Lainey, I seriously think you need a moment before you go in there,” she said, grabbing my arm and spinning me around to face her right as we reached the door.

“And why is that, Flannery?” I asked. “I just had an amazing show, and you’re really cramping my mood.”

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “It’s just – trust me. You’ll be glad I did this later.”

“Oh my God, Flannery tell me what you’re talking about before I kill you,” I exasperated.

“Joe’s in there,” she said, the words blurring into one.

“What?” I said calmly, slowly.

“I said, Joe is in there. He came by after your last costume change. I sent him in there. Look, Lainey, he just wanted to talk, okay? I know you’re hurt by what you saw, but remember, they were tabloids. They lie. That’s what they do.”

I took a deep breath. “Flannery, please, I don’t want to get into this again. You’re my sister, so just support me, okay? Support what I want to do, and what I want to do is not talk to him.” I tried to pull out of her grasp to walk away. Someone else could get my stuff.

It didn’t matter if they were tabloids or not. I know what I saw. I saw the picture. They could lie with words. But the picture was there. Flannery had been telling me to talk to him for weeks now, but I just wasn’t hearing it. It was smarter to only count on yourself. People hurt you. That was just the way it was.

She sighed. “Lainey, you know I will always be on your side. No matter what, I will always have your back. I will always do what you need. And this,” she pointed to the door. “This is what you need. Just talk to him. I know you want to move on and focus on your career and everything. But you won’t be able to until you talk to him. At least just talk.”

“Flannery, I really don’t want to,” I groaned.

“Don’t care,” she said, opening the door with her other hand and pushing me in.

I was still facing her, not wanting to look inside. “Flannery, you know this is just evil, and I’m not talking to you for -- two venues.”

She laughed. “Oh no, two whole venues! I think I’ll live. Now talk.” She slammed the door shut.

I sighed, still not turning around. This was not happening. This was unbelievable. I was going to kill her. I wondered if she was standing at the door, or if I could make a run for it. I tried the door knob, but she was definitely holding it shut.

“Hi, Lainey.”

I tensed even at the sound of his voice. It was soft and strained, but still embedded in my mind. I knew what his face was as he voiced that voice. I turned slowly, and saw I was right. He looked as miserable as he sounded. Still, he was a performer, he was an actor. It was an act. “What are you doing here, Joe?”