I Find Myself in You

“Lainey, baby, I’ve missed you so much,” Jesse breathed as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in close when I had walked in through the door. Joe had gone home. “You don’t know what it’s been like without you. I’ve been a mess. I didn’t think I was going to survive.”

I didn’t say anything, just basking in this moment, in his arms, in his words. I had missed him so much. And I wanted so badly to believe him now. But I didn’t believe him. I cringed at the memory of walking into my green room right before the last song during my last show on the world tour, seeing him kissing her, kissing mybest ex-beat friend, Miley Cyrus. My body tensed at his touch. He pulled back quickly in response to that.

“Sorry,” he said quickly. “I just—“ He took a deep breath. “I really love you Lain. And I’ve really missed you so much.” He gently stroked my cheek with his thumb.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. His other arm was still wrapped around my waist, holding me so close to him that I could feel his breath on my skin. And it was making me dizzy. “Jesse, what are you doing here,” I asked quietly before I lost my train of thought.

“I know you said you wanted time Lainey, but I – it’s been really hard without you. And I haven’t been able to think about anything else ever since – that day. And Lainey, you have to understand how sorry I am,” he said, his eyes pleading, his voice low and desperate. “I never meant to hurt you Lainey. I really didn’t. I don’t even know what I was thinking, except I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking at all. But I don’t want her Lainey. I want you. Only you. I will always love only you.”

“I love you too Jesse,” I whispered. “But that doesn’t answer my question. Why are you here?”

“I – don’t want you to forget everything we had,” he said quietly, looking at the floor. “And so here I am to remind you how in love we are.”

I sighed. “I remember Jesse. I remember everything.”

He winced at that. “I will try every day for the rest of my life to make you forgive me for that Lainey. That’s a promise.”

I took a deep breath. “That’s really – sweet Jesse,” I said calmly, too calmly. “But I was serious before. I need time. I just really --- I need to be me again.”

“Need to be you,” he asked.

I sighed. “I – I don’t like this person anymore Jesse. I just – I need to find who I was before I left New Jersey last time.”

He kissed my cheek. “I can wait for you,” he said. “I can give you that time. I can give you you. Who knows you better than me?”

I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure if I knew the answer anymore

---

“And why the hell is he even here anymore,” I groaned, pacing back and forth in Joe’s bedroom as he sat on his bed and stared at me. “I mean, he said he needed to see me. He saw me. Now shouldn’t he leave? I mean, it’s bad enough that every time I look at him, I imagine him kissing Miley over and over and over again. This is torture! I bet you this was Miley’s doing. She got him to torture me.”

I didn’t know why I was telling Joe all of this. I barely even knew him. All I knew was that after the whole schoolyard conversation, something had changed. I didn’t feel weird telling him stuff. I wasn’t exactly up for a heart felt one on one fortune cookie seminar with him, but this was okay. Spilling my woes to a not so complete anymore stranger. And what I liked was that Joe didn’t judge me. I could see he was trying to understand me, yes. But judge me? No. Unfortunately, neither were too appealing to me. But I felt like I could actually talk, and laugh, and okay, maybe not cry, but pout, and it would be okay.

“Okay calm down Lainey,” Joe said. “Let’s just think about this for a second. Maybe it has nothing to do with Miley. Maybe he just misses you.”

“And he can miss me back in L.A.,” I countered. “Why does he stay here?”

Joe just shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe there is an alternate motive for him being here. Maybe Miley is actually paying the already rich millionaire pop sensation a huge load of money to come screw with your head. Maybe—“

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, okay. I get your point. Now can you please stop before I start hearing about alien abduction theories or something?”

He laughed. “How cool would that be though?”

‘Wow you’re a dork,” I laughed.

He shrugged. “The point is Lainey, maybe he’s here because he really is sorry, and because he loves you.”

“And maybe I like the alien abduction theory better,” I grumbled.

“Hey Joe, dinner is read—oh hey Lainey,” Nick said, coming in. “I didn’t know you were here.”

“I wasn’t,” I said, walking to the window. “And I’m not. Bye Nick. Thanks Joe.”

“Any time,” Joe got off his computer. “Hey, want to stay for dinner?”

I grimaced as I climbed up on the window. “No thanks. Flannery invited Jesse to stay for dinner.”

“So um – he’s at your house,” Joe asked.

“Yup.”

“And you’re here,” he asked, starting to smirk.

“Yeah….” I drawled out. I was confused as to where he was trying to go with this.

“How’d you get here,” Nick asked, smirking too.

“I climbed out the basement window,” I shrugged.

They both started laughing.

‘What,” I asked, suddenly self-conscious. “I used to do it all the time. Flannery didn’t like me dating Tom Watts when we lived here before I got signed.”

“Sorry,” Joe said, still laughing. “It’s just – you climbing out a basement window is too funny a picture.”

I rolled my eyes as I started climbing out of the window. “Real mature guys. Anyways, I got to go. Thanks again for listening Joe.”

“No problem,” he smiled at me. “Have fun climbing back in.”

I glared at him. “Have fun being a dick.”

“Ouch,” he laughed. “Hey wait! Tomorrow, we’re hanging out here. Demi is coming over and stuff. You should come.”

“Demi,” I asked.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun,” he said. “She’s cool.”

“Um—“ I wasn’t exactly in the mood for any more Disney Princesses. I had had more than enough of my share with Miley. And that friendship had been just enough for me.

“Think about it,” he shrugged.

I nodded, and finished climbing down.

My phone started ringing. I looked at the caller I.D. Flannery. Oh crap. Busted.