Behind This Smile

Sydri POV

At the moment, I didn’t care how Gerard knew where to take me. All I cared about was seeing my dad. Many thoughts kept running through my head, making me sob harder. Gerard looked freaked.

“Please, please don’t have a panic attack or something Sydri. I really don’t need that right now. I can’t help you and drive a car at the same time…”

I tried to ignore Gerard and stop sobbing so much, but I couldn’t do either one very well. Gerard finally pulled up at the hospital, and I nearly jumped out while he was still driving.

But he parked and we hurriedly got out of the car. Gerard grabbed my hand- I had to ignore the beat my heart skipped- and we started to run. I nearly fell flat on my face; when Gerard wants to run, Gerard runs.

As we got inside the hospital, Gerard mumbled, “Hospitals freak me out.” I shook my head and pulled my hand away from him and ran to the front desk.

“I-I… W-what–”

“What room is Robert McKinley in?” Gerard asked for me.

“Um,” the lady said, “room 289. Family only, please.” She smiled and Gerard pushed me.

“289, go.”

“Thanks,” I muttered as sarcastically as I could. I started to run, which got glares from the older people, might I add, and found my dad’s room. I was about to throw open the door when Dr. Hemlen opened it.

“Thank God you’re here, Sydri.” Dr. Hemlen’s eyes were red and he had obviously been crying. Dr. Hemlen knew my dad in high school, but that’s really off topic.

“What’s wrong with my dad?” I choked out. “Is…” I swallowed the enormous lump in my throat. “Is my dad going to be okay?”

Dr. Hemlen’s lip quivered and I burst into tears, covering my face with my hands. “He was two to three days, Sydri.”

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked, which got into this story started. My dad had cancer. A rare type of brain cancer (I wasn’t paying attention, so I don’t know what cancer it was.) and he’s had it for a while. Which explains everything. The reason he suddenly wanted to shave his head, why he was always sick, the reason he was always at ‘Wal-Mart’. Which actually turned out to be the hospital. Why didn’t I see it?

“Why no chemo?” I asked when Dr. Hemlen was finished.

“He didn’t want chemo, Sydri. I don’t know why. Sydri, I think you should go…” Dr. Hemlen was crying by now. “Go talk to him… While you have… while you have the chance.”

I nodded and tucked my hair behind my ears. I tried to wipe all tears from my face, but they just kept coming. I walked into the hospital room and saw my dad laying in the bed, asleep, breathing slowly. He seemed almost lifeless. The sight had me bawling again, waking my dad up.

“Syd–”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I wailed. “Dad, you’re dying!” The sentence lingered in the air, making me sob harder.

My dad carefully sat up. “Sydri, come here. Come here,” he whispered. I hesitantly walked over to my dad. “Sit down.” I obeyed and he pulled me into a weak hug. “I wanted to,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I really did, but I couldn’t, Sydri. I didn’t want to see you like this the whole time.”

I tightened my grip on him, bawling my eyes out. “I’m so sorry, Dad. Daddy, I’m so, so, so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I kept whispering that for five minutes, my head buried in his shoulder.

I promised myself I wasn’t going to let go. If he’s dying, I’m dying, too. That’s what I kept telling myself.

“What are we going to do?” I whispered.

“You girls are going to get apartments, once you turn eighteen. I don’t care what you do about the house. Burn it for all I care,” he whispered back.

I heard the door open and Dr. Hemlen’s quiet voice: “Sydri, I’m sorry, but you have to go.” I nodded and let my dad go after giving him one more hug.

“I love you, Daddy,” I said for the first time in weeks.

--

I couldn’t find Gerard inside the building, so I checked outside. And there he was, smoking a cigarette. “What are you–”

“I told you hospitals creep me out.” Gerard turned to me, his eyes studying me. “Are you okay?” I shook my head. “No. Sorry, stupid question.” I shrugged. “Let me finish my cigarette and we’ll get going, okay?” he asked softly. I nodded.

Gerard takes forever to smoke cigarettes. As I waited in silence, something popped up in my head. “Gerard?” He looked at me. “How did you know where to take me?”

I was sure I saw his eyes widened for a second, but I wasn’t so sure. “What do you mean?”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “I didn’t tell you where to take me. I didn’t say a single thing. How did you know?”

Gerard looked down, avoiding eye contact with me. Suddenly, it hit me. And it hurt. “You knew?” I accused.

“Yes, but–”

“You knew?!” I screamed at him, anger filling up my body fast. “Why did you not fucking tell me?!”

“I wanted to, but Mikey–”

“Mikey knew, too?!” What the hell?

“Everybody did,” Gerard whispered.

More tears welled up in my eyes. How could I even think about liking this son of a bitch? “Bastard,” I growled.

That set Gerard off. “Hey! Do not call me a bastard. I was only doing what I was told to! I wanted to, Sydri, I really wanted to! But I couldn’t! I fucking couldn’t!”

Before I even knew what I was doing, my hand met Gerard’s face. Slapping him. “Go to hell,” I snarled. Gerard stared at me, shocked. “Just… Take me home.” I walked over to his car and got in the backseat, slamming the car door so hard I swear I could’ve ripped it off it’s hinges.