Consciousness and Confidence

Yesterday's events, although completely shocking, have not strayed my mind from my issues with JayJay.If anything, they just added to my sickly feeling that grew larger and larger each passing hour.

I kept my head down and my arms crossed, with my backpack flung over my right shoulder as I walked to school. I didn't want to be here today. Actually, I didn't want to be here ever again. I don't know how much more of JayJay's questioning and flirting I could take. I think it bugged me more that she was so blind to the fact that I might have actually liked Cale.

"Ryyan!" I voice called from behind me. Like yesterday, I knew exactly who that voice was. Instead of stopping this time, I just walked at a faster pace. Thank God it wasn't as hot as yesterday, or else I'd be sweating my make-up off.

"Ryyan, stop walking so fast! I have to talk to you about something exciting." JayJay called again.

I made an exaggerated sigh, and swung my body around, a very big scowl on my face. "What?" I think it came out a bit too harsh for her liking.

"Whoa there, Mrs. Crabapple. Where the hell is the attitude coming from?" she questioned, putting her arms up in defense.

Anger flaired inside me for a moment, but I wouldn't let myself snap on her now. I didn't need anymore arguments with anyone. The ones with Brian have been wearing me out already.

"Nothing. What's your exciting news?" I droned, attempting to cover all my emotions.

"Well," she drew out while hopping into a walk next to me. "You know Cale?"

"I introduced you to Cale, JayJay." I reminded, already not liking where this news was going.

She laughed her infectious, flirty laugh. "Oh, right. I'm so stupid sometimes. Of course you know Cale." I rose my eyebrows and circled my hand a bit, trying to let her know to get on with whatever she had to tell me. "Right! So, I went on the computer yesterday and Cale had friend requested me on myspace. How he figured out my last name, I'll never know."

She was grinning from ear to ear. Something inside of me froze. The gears in my head began to turn at an alarmingly fast pace. The constant questions, the excitement over a friend request, her genuine smile...

Oh my God, JayJay really does like him.

"Anyways, I was talking-" She stopped walking and turned back to me, with my jawed dropped and my shoes stuck to the concrete below me. "Ry?"

"You actually like him." I muttered, glancing up into her confused eyes.

"I'm sorry, what? I didn't catch that."

"You like Cale!" I said, louder while pointing my finger at her. Her face contorted into worry.

"No! What? Why would you say someth- I don't like him! I barely know him!" she defended. JayJay was never one to deny who she thought was hot or not. This was all the proof I needed.

I shook my head, and walked over to where she was standing. As much as it bothered me to do it, I gently put my hand on her shoulder. "JayJay, you don't defend yourself when it comes to guys. You don't talk about them, or ask about them. It's pretty damn obvious that you like him."

She paused while looking down at her feet. I waited, never moving my hand. After a minute she looked back up at me, with a grin on her face. "Yeah, I do like him."

I tried to laugh, but it only sounded hallow and empty. I might be able to accept the fact that my friend has her first major crush on a guy. But, that doesn't mean I like it.

It's not as if I'm in love with Cale. I just felt a tad bit special when he paid attention to me. Every girl enjoys that, you can't deny it.

After a few seconds of nothing but the sound of the pitter-patter of our shoes hitting the ground, I opened my mouth again to my best friend. "So, what are you going to do about it?"

I watched as she gave me an indifferent shrug as a reply. "Nothing, I'm just going to act like I always do."

"Is that going to work?" I questioned, before mentally slapping myself. Of course it would work, this was Jay. She could get any man she wanted to, as long as she turned up her charm.

Her laughter broke my thoughts. "I thought it would."

"What would poor Skidmark think if he heard us now." I mused out loud, remembering the dirty, greasy boy from what felt like so long ago.

"Who?" JayJay asked, shooting me a confused look.

I just smiled widely at her. It was better that she didn't remember that hookup. "Oh, no one."

----------

As the two of us reached the our lockers inside the crowded hallway, Jay leaned her body lazily on the one next to me as I shuffled through my things to get my books for class. We hadn't talked about Cale anymore on our walk, thankfully.

I knew I should get over liking him in the tiniest way, but I can't control the way I feel, no matter how much I try. So, I'm going to suck it up and act like a good best friend and encourage Jay to go after him and persue the first guy she's actually had genuine feelings for.

"I've been meaning to ask you about something." JayJay said with a tone of complete curiosity.

I glanced away from my locker to see my best friend with an angelic look plastered on her face. "Uh oh."

She put up her hands in defence. "It's nothing bad, I promise." I rolled my eyes, but said nothing. "Well, okay you might get angry at me for this. But, I mean it's been bugging me for a week or so and I just really want to know. You know, because we're best friends and stuff like this is really important."

"Stop blabbering and just ask your question." Something inside told me I wasn't going to like what she had to say. I never usually did when she started off a question with a huge explanation like this.

She breathed in and out before looking at me directly in the eyes. "Okay, so what's going on between you and Brian?" She flinched for a second, assuming I was going to hit her, which I normally would have.

But, since yesterday, I have no fucking clue how to react to her question.

"What?" I asked, a bit confused on what she could have been noticing between him and I. "Why would anything be going on between us? I've hated him forever, remember?"

She nodded. "Yeah, but, I don't know." She looked down at the ground in defeat. "He's just changed a bit over the summer and he's been a hell of a lot nicer to you in general. I just thought you guys talked it out and settled your differences."

I shut my locker and gave her a look of disbelief. "You think we talked it out and are friends now? Come on, Jay. I'm not as stupid as I look sometimes."

"Alright, so I hoped there might have been a secret romance going on." she confessed, as we began to walk down the hall.

I ran one hand through my hair, slowly before replying to her.

"You're crazy."