My Fears Burn While You're Around

"Ahh! Who the fuck are you?" I let out a scream at the same time as the voice that was now yelling at me. I backed into the wall and faced the extremely tall guy who was also occupying the kitchen.

"You're some fan chick who broke into Johnny's house to try and sleep with him aren’t you?" He accused as I continued to shrink into the wall with fear. My mouth seemed to stop working and all I could do was shake my head back and forth violently. As I got a better look at him I figured he must be the last band member that I had yet to meet. I think Jimmy was his name. He was tall and lanky and also was covered in tattoos and piercings, surprise surprise. His hands were being held up in a kung-fu type position and he kept giving me funny looks.

"Jimmy?" I jumped even more when a girl a little older than me walked into the room and surveyed the situation. She was slightly taller than I was and had medium length blonde hair with a slight black undertone. There were small turquoise streaks that ran from the top of her head down to the bottom. She had fair skin much like mine and had her ears pierced several times along with her lip.

"Jimmy what in the hell are you doing?" She asked as the man known as Jimmy turned to face her innocently.

"I'm protecting Johnny!" He exclaimed as he did some weird movement with his hands that sort of frightened me.

"Jimmy babe, this is Celeste I bet." She looked at me and gave me a warm smile before turning back to Jimmy. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he lowered his hands and ran over to me awkwardly.

"I'm so sorry! I totally forgot you were going to be here! I'm Jimmy. But you can call me Rev if you want. It's my stage name." He held open his arms for a hug and I just looked at him weirdly. It had been years since I had hugged someone and I really wasn’t feeling comfortable enough to do that just yet. I cautiously held out my hand instead and he looked sad for a moment before taking it anyway.

"Celeste. Nice to meet you." I said timidly before turning to the girl.

"I'm Lisa. Jimmy's fiancé." She too shook my hand and I nodded gently.

"Celeste?" I heard Johnny call out through the house.

"Kitchen." I called back and not a moment later he appeared in the doorway.

"Jim! Lisa! I didn't know you two were here." He looked from them to me and then back to them. "Please tell me you didn't scare the poor girl." Johnny sighed as he rubbed his hand over his face while Jimmy just shrugged innocently.

"I'm so sorry Celeste. These two barged in without letting me know!" He emphasized the last part while glaring at Jimmy pointedly.

"It's alright. He only freaked me out a little. I'm trying to get better about that." I made my way to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water.

"So are you ready to go shopping?" Lisa asked me excitedly. I looked at her sort of confused for a moment. How could I shop if I had no money? Not to mention I hadn't been informed of any shopping plans.

"What?"

"We, meaning we all, are taking you shopping today!" Her hands clapped together as she bounced on the soles of her feet lightly. She subconsciously reached out and grabbed Jimmy's hand before still looking at me expectantly.

"I don't have any money." One would think that would be obvious to people but I suppose it was going unnoticed.

"Well duh. That's why we are all buying things for you." She told me as she rolled her eyes. I looked to Johnny for help but he just nodded as he let a small smile slip. I looked down at my current attire and figured I could use some girly clothes, I just didn't want them to have to pay for everything. I really wasn’t one to mooch off of others yet somehow I really didn’t see myself as getting out of this one. They were going to win. Johnny's shirt was still pretty big on me and my jeans had rips and tears in every place possible.

"I can't guys." I said as I shook my head. I really didn’t want them buying me everything and even though I knew I would be drug out I still wanted my opinion to be known.

"Well too bad." I whipped around at the new voice and felt my knees buckle as my eyes met those that belonged to Matt. He was casually leaning in the door frame to the kitchen with his arms crossed over his chest in such a manner that his muscles bulged out firmly. "You're going with us." He told me in a firm voice yet there was the ghost of a smile upon his full lips.

"Alright." There was something about Matt that made me cave. It was almost like I couldn’t physically tell him no and I began to think that that mere fact would probably cause me trouble in the long run.

I saw Matt smirk slightly before he was roughly shoved out of the way so a stumbling Zacky could come through. "Dude. Don't block the whole fucking door." He grumbled as he stared around the room. Brian followed him and he was pulling a girl that looked an awful lot like Val behind him. Remembering that Val said she had a twin I figured this must be Michelle. So Brian was pulling Michelle, and behind Michelle came Val. Meaning that everyone was here, or so I was assuming. I honestly didn't know if Zacky and Johnny had girlfriends but I was sure in time I would find out.

"Alright. Now that everyone is here, let's go." Brian said as he led the way back out of the room.

"Hi I'm Michelle. Brian was rude enough not to introduce us." I shook her hand politely and instantly knew she and I would get along; she was a lot like Val.

"Hi. Nice to meet you." Speaking of Val one we got outside I was pulled away form the group by her.

"You're riding with Matt. Is that alright? It'll be just you and Matt. I just wanted to make sure you were alright with that. All of the other cars are full." She gave me an apologetic look before motioning to the other cars that everyone was piling into.

"I, um, I guess so."

She gave me a grin before trotting off toward where Zacky was honking his horn at her. She hopped in and they flew off down the street without so much as a glance back. I slowly turned on my heel and faced Matt who was now leaning smugly against the side of a black Escalade.

This had to have been planned, and as far as I was concerned I was going to kill whoever had planned it.

My converse scuffed against the concrete of the driveway as I slowly made my way toward a now grinning Matt. I shoved my hands into my pockets and made my way around the passenger door with him in tow. I was sort of shocked when he reached around me and opened the door before motioning for me to climb into the vehicle.

"Umm thanks." I said as he closed the door behind me and got in on the driver's side.

"You're welcome. A guy should always open the door for his lady." My head whipped to stare at him. Did he really just call me his lady? I think not.

"I'm not your lady Matt." I grumbled as I buckled in.

"Not yet you're not." He winked at me before pulling his aviators on over his eyes as he started driving.

"I don't know who you think you are." My mumble caused him to chuckle.

"Can't you just let me care about you?" His tone was cool and collected yet I could tell he was trying not to say more than that.

"I can let you. I just don't want you to." That single phrase seemed to sum up my feelings at the moment. Sure it would be easy to let Matt care for me. He could buy me anything he wanted, get me food, take care of me, but after all of that I would still feel in debt to him. I can take care of myself. I have for over a year now. It may not have been the best lifestyle but I managed alright. I didn't want someone to come in and change things because then what happens if you have a falling out with said person? Then where do you go? Right back to where you were.

"Why don't you want me to?" He asked truly curious.

"Because Matt I've been fine so far. I don’t need you coming in and changing my life only for you to leave it down the road and for me to be on my own again!" I let out a frustrated sigh as I sat back into my seat with my arms crossed over my chest.

"If I have things my way I won't ever leave your life. Please Celeste, just let me care. Please." He reached over with one of his hands and pried my arm away from my chest before sliding his hand down it and grasping my own fingers inside of his. Small tingles traveled across the portions of skin that he had touched and my hand now felt like it was on fire.

"Alright." Matt grinned and kept his hold on my hand which only confused me even more. I still didn't get why he, a big well known rockstar as I came to find out from Johnny, would even want to be seen with a nobody like me. Why did he even pay attention to me?

"I know you have a lot of questions, as do I, but let's save them for another day. Today is all about you." I cringed some at the words. I really didn’t want to be the center of attention.

"Can you just promise me one thing? Just make sure things don't get out of control please. I really don't like being the center of attention as you have probably noticed." He nodded and gave my hand a squeeze before letting go so he could return it to the steering wheel.

Matt swung wide as he entered the parking lot to the Newport Beach mall. He drove around for a bit before pulling into a parking spot that was large enough to accommodate his oversized car. We both got out and he set the alarm before he reached his arm out to wrap around me. I practically froze at the surprising gesture and I wasn't quite sure how to react with his arm around my waist.

"Is this ok? I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything." I thought for a moment about the situation. I was sort of scared but something about how careful his arm was sort of told me this was alright. He was gentle, I could tell by his touch. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, I just knew it.

"It's fine." I told him quietly as we continued to walk.

"Hey guys! In here." The voice came from the right of us and when I turned I saw Val sticking her head out of Forever 21. Across the outdoor hallway was a bench where the rest of the guys were sitting. It looked like the girls were in the store and the guys were sitting this one out. Matt released me from his side for which I was slightly thankful. He fished out his wallet and pulled out a credit card before handing it to Val and telling her something that I couldn’t hear. She nodded and came over to grab my arm before dragging me into the store.

This store really wasn't my style. I mean I could probably find some jeans here and maybe a few plain color shirts but I really wasn’t a frilly kind of girl. This wasn't my sense of fashion style. In high school I dressed in the surf brands whenever I could get my hands on them. Growing up near the beach gave me that style. If they had t-shirts and board shorts here then I would be set, yet I had a feeling they didn't.

"Here! Try these on!" Lisa said as she came over with an armful of clothes. I stared skeptically at them before going through it and handing her back the items I wasn't interested in, which was actually about three-quarters of the pile.

"These are sexy." My eyes bulged out as I saw Matt standing at a rack with Brian. He was holding up a pair of extremely short jean shorts. He made his way over to me and handed me a pair to try on before going back over to the racks. I stifled a giggle at the sight of the two of them going through girls clothes. It actually was pretty funny to see. Brian was handing a few things to Michelle while Matt was still contributing to my own pile.

I was eventually taken to the dressing rooms where I spent fifteen grueling minutes trying everything on and modeling it for everyone. The girls liked the few tops that I had agreed to and Matt seemed to be rather fond of the jean shorts he had picked out. Val took the new pile of confirmed clothes to the cash register before paying for them. I couldn't bring myself to go up with her. I felt incredibly bad that they were all paying for all of this.

"Alright, next stop, Hot Topic." I sort of gave Zacky an odd look seeing as I was familiar with the store but really didn't see the guys shopping in it. I always figured it was more of a teenage store. But I suppose if you wanted a band t-shirt they would probably be the place to find it.

Thankfully the store in this mall was one of the larger stores and not a hole in the wall one. Zacky and Jimmy immediately went over to the funky sunglasses and started trying them on in front of the mirror. Johnny was off staring at the Rock t-shirt wall with Matt on one side and Brian on the other. They were pointing at one of their own shirts that was up on the wall and scowling slightly. Their eyes scanned the rest of them before pulling one out and tossing it to me. Matt winked before going back to the wall to find more. He also pulled out an Iron Maiden one and a Metallica one as well.

"Now what if I don't like those bands?" I teased. I knew I liked them, they were one of the few bands I remembered from when I was younger. My father was pretty anti-music but he would occasionally listen to one of those two groups.

"Then too bad because these shirts are badass." Brian told me hurriedly. Val took the shirts from me and added them to a pile with a pair of black jeans and a few black skirts that had chains on them. I eyed them suspiciously but figured it wasn't worth fighting over. They would be purchased either way. We left with several large bags full not long after and everyone began searching for another store.

"Heeeeey. In here ladies." Jimmy said as he winked at Lisa and led her into Victoria's Secret. There was no way I was setting foot in there. At least I thought there was no way, Matt seemed to have other plans. As I was turning to walk in the opposite direction he grabbed me around the waist and hauled me in the direction of the store.

This was not going to end well.

And it didn't. I was turning a thousand shades of red as everyone had fun picking out intimate apparel for me. I didn't even get a word in other than to tell them my bra size. My eyes shifted around the room to see that everyone was preoccupied with looking at something. I decided to seize the moment and sneak out of the store.

I found refuge on a bench across the sidewalk beside some little kids store. I crossed one leg over the other and folded my arms across my chest as I glared at the lingerie store that was slowly turning into my nightmare. My glare remained as I watched Johnny poke his head out the door and turn around wildly before he spotted me sitting form. He pushed the door open and made his way over to sit beside me.

"Not your piece of pie?" He guessed kindly, well it wasn't much of a guess considering my facial expression.

"Nope."

Johnny reached around me and rested him arm around my shoulder making me jump at the contact. He recoiled slightly. "Sorry." He apologized quickly.

"No it's alright. I'm just not used to gestures like those. Your arm is fine." He looked skeptical but replaced his arm so he could pull me closer to him in a friendly way.

"They're just trying to help you know."

"Johnny, if they wanted to help they would respect my wishes. I don't need all of this. I'll admit, I need a few things but this is getting out of control! When the heck am I going to wear lingerie like that?" I asked as I motioned to the mannequin that was showing off a corset top and matching thong in the window. Johnny chuckled and paused for a moment seeming to take in what I had just told him.

"Alright. I'll agree that the lingerie is a bit much. But it's something you should get used to. These guys are all about sexy lingerie on women. It's just how we are." I groaned and scooted away from him knowing he was included in the mix.

I didn't like what he had said one bit. If they were all so into lingerie it probably meant they were all about sex as well, how else would they see it? And that three letter word was just enough to start up my tear ducts if I thought about it too much. I stared intently at a small pebble on the ground trying to rid the images that were trying so desperately to make their way back into my mind. It seemed like every time I blinked a fresh image of one of my many rapes appeared on the back of my eyelids.

"Are you alright?" He reached his arm out toward me and I instantly recoiled to the far side of the bench.

"Don't touch me. Please." I said out of fear as my mind now became incredibly frustrated with me. Here I was convinced I had finally found a group that just might be alright people and Johnny had basically taken that hope and shot it in the foot without even having to say it out loud.

"Did I say something wrong?" I could tell he was now worried. But how exactly did I ask him if it was true or not? I wasn't about to ask about their sex lives but yet I found myself curious as to what kind of group I was now in. I didn't exactly see them as being virgins. Technically I wasn’t either but I thought of myself as one. It had always been taken, not given.

"I just, I'm still trying to figure you guys out." I managed to put it in a way that seemed to make sense to me. Johnny seemed to get my underlying accusation and he nodded sort of sadly.

"I hate to say it, but yeah, sex is a big deal with everyone and I know that makes you uncomfortable. It's not the most important thing to us but it's a part of who we are. We like strip clubs and sex but I can assure you no one will ever drag you into any situations you don't want to be in. I'm sorry no one told you sooner. I figured Val would have considering the circumstances."

Well this certainly changed the way I saw things now. I mean I'm sure none of these guys would ever force themselves upon a girl but knowing my past I figured my feelings were going to be around for awhile still. Those kinds of scars never really go away.

"There you two are. What are you doing out here?" I cringed back as Matt came out with everyone hot on his tail, several more bags having been added to the mixture.

"We just wanted some fresh air." Johnny said for me. I don't think I could have spoken if I tried. Matt looked sort of skeptical but I faked a smile and nodded in agreement with Johnny. Matt tried to get me to take his hand so he could help me up but I stood up on my own and shied away from him when he went to grab me around the waist. I shoved my hands into my pockets really fast making everyone sort of look at me oddly with the exception of Johnny. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at them right now. I was a bit too shaken up with my new found knowledge.

I knew this was a bad idea. So much for Matt's promise.