My Fears Burn While You're Around

"So I figured we could all go back to my place and watch some movies for the rest of the evening."

Ten shops, lunch, and a much needed Starbucks coffee and we were finally finished shopping. I couldn’t even bring myself to imagine how much money had been spent on me today. I just knew it made me uncomfortable.

After observing the few couples throughout the day I figured they were all extremely happy together. I had decided to give the guys a break. There was no possible way they could be like my father or any of his associates. It just didn't seem to be in them. Johnny had done a fine job at keeping my sadness undisclosed to the others. Matt was really the only one who picked up on my sadness and it was when Val had started pulling out the lingerie they had bought. Brian had turned to Michelle and made some comment about not wanting to wait to see what she had bought. He just knew it would end up off of her tonight. I had visibly become uncomfortable and Matt was quick to notice. He changed the subject rather fast and before long I spotted him talking quietly to Johnny out of my hearing range.

This was during lunch and Matt had now been the one to suggest the movies. I was still sucking on the famous green straw of my iced coffee but was now pretty relaxed about things. I had since permitted Matt to take me around the waist once more and he proved to be extra gentle with me.

It was easier to be around him for some reason. Even after all that Johnny had told me I still felt that he could never hurt me. It scared me how comforting his arms were to my fragile frame.

"So have you enjoyed today so far?" He questioned as he once again opened the passenger door to his car for me. I pulled the straw out of my mouth and gave him a weak smile.

"For the most part." I figured I would just be honest with him. I had learned that he could pretty much read me like a book and that there was no use trying to hide things from him.

"All except for one part right?" He gave me a smile that held an apology in it as well.

"Right." I really didn't want to press the matter any further. I'd rather just forget about it for now.

"So what kind of movies do you like?" I applauded his change in subject but I really didn't know how to answer his question.

"Umm I don't know." I replied sheepishly, sort of embarrassed that I didn't have an opinion on this matter.

"Well we will probably watch some scary movie or something if that's alright."

"That's fine."

The rest of the ride was pretty silent other than the sound of the bags making noise every time we went around a corner. When we reached Matt's house I saw that nobody was here just yet. Matt pulled around back and parked in the driveway before helping me out of the car.

One by one the others started arriving and eventually Matt's house was filled with people.
I was currently in the kitchen with Val and Lisa popping some popcorn in the microwave to take out to everyone. I clutched a bowl to my chest and carried a soda in my hand before following the two of them back out. Right as I reached the doorway I bumped into the back of Val slightly causing me to spill a little bit of popcorn.

"Val what's wrong?" I asked as she quickly shoved me back into the kitchen.

"Damn it. Those idiots. I specifically told them no beer." She grumbled to herself and I now knew why she was keeping me in here.

I shivered slightly only hoping they all wouldn’t be drunk. I sighed as I sat down at the table and contemplated my options here. I could either leave, which would be hard considering I had no car and didn't know how to get back to Johnny's house, or I could tough it out and face my fears. I didn't know what these guys were like while they were drunk. They could be funny drunks or a calm sleepy drunks. I highly doubted that they were abusive drunks like the other men that had once been a part of my life.

"Val it's alright." My small voice interrupted her mumbles that she was still giving off. She paused to look at me surprised.

"I need to face my fears sometime. I might as well start now." My heartbeat increased tenfold as she looked at me shocked. Her left hand reached up and ran down her face as she sighed.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'll give it a shot."

She still looked sort of nervous for a second but nodded and we both stood up once more. I re-grabbed the bowl of popcorn that was now slightly emptier and my soda before following her out into the room for the second time tonight. At first glance I saw that all of the guys did in fact have a beer in hand, even Matt which surprised me even more. He patted the empty spot on the end of the two person sofa next to him while giving me a small grin. My legs almost buckled a little bit under my nerves as I made my way over to him. Val had decided to take a seat in between Zacky and Johnny and she was watching the scene unfold.

As I sat down I realized how selfish I was feeling. Who was I to expect them to give up their habits? I couldn’t expect that from them, it wasn't right to do so. I had a lot of issues in my life that I needed to get over and sadly this group seemed to be involved with several of them. But maybe this could turn out to help me. Matt sat his drink down on the end table that was on the other side of him before placing his arm over the back of the couch.

"Are you alright?" He asked me. I shied away some after the smell of the beer on his breath reached my nose. I gave an inward gag and faced slightly away from him. I fought long and hard with myself and assured my conscience that he wouldn’t hurt me. He was just drinking a beer. He still seemed like the same Matt. His eyes weren’t hazed over, his movements were still smooth, he still felt normal to me. It was just the smell that made me cringe.

My house when I was younger almost always reeked of alcohol. Most of the time things literally emanated the smell, including things such as my own clothes. It followed me everywhere I went and it was one of the many reasons I detested the mere smell.

"I'm fine." I said in answer to Matt's previous question that I had almost forgotten about. I still tried to face away from him so I didn't have to smell the beer. As I looked to the screen I saw the beginning of a horror movie start. I hadn't caught the name of it but it sure started out with a pretty gory scene. Blood flew in all directions as a young girl was being stabbed to death.

I let out a very visible gulp as I averted my eyes to somewhere other than the bloody mess on the screen. I couldn’t watch this.

Matt hesitantly pulled me closer into his side where I buried my head so I didn’t have to see the mess. The screams almost set me off as well. They echoed my own voice almost perfectly. I kept my eyes hidden and tried to block out the voices as much as I could. How could they watch this? I kept it together thankfully and eventually I was able to watch the screen again when the gory scenes were over for the time being. When my soda ran out I was still feeling thirsty so I excused myself so I could go grab a water.

As I entered the kitchen I let out a sigh of relief. This movie was just hitting too close to home. The scenes, the screams, the deep voices, everything! Maybe I could get away with just sitting here in the kitchen. I bet no one would notice I was gone. They'd all be too enthralled in the movie to notice my absence.

"Celeste?" I looked up and spotted Matt in the doorway.

So much for that idea.

"I just needed some water." I mumbled as I faced the sink. I heard the clink of bottles and I involuntarily cringed at the sound. When I turned around I saw that Matt had placed his empty beer bottle in the sink and was now reaching for a Coke in the fridge.

"Alright. Are you coming back in?" His concerned tone almost had me begging him to let me stay in here. I really didn't want to go back.

"Yeah." I forced out.

He nodded and left the room quietly.

I took a deep breath as I pushed the door open and stepped back out. Instantly I froze in my tracks as I met the sight of the television. My eyes widened as I watched a girl being raped mercilessly by the main bad guy in the movie. My breathing hitched in my throat and I felt the bile start to rise up my throat as her screams continued to enter my ears. I simultaneously dropped the water I was holding and forced my hand to my mouth. I let out a sob and turned from the scene before fleeing out the front door. I really didn't want to puke in Matt's house so I went to the only other place I knew was nearby, the beach.

The moon was shining bright and I was for once, thankful that the area was devoid of people. I hit the sand and fell to my knees as my earlier lunch came right back up in a very unpleasant manner. I moved away from it as tears flooded out through my eyes. There was no use trying to hold them back, the memories were too strong this time.

I instantly tipped over so I was laying down in the sand and curled up into the fetal position as tears shook my body second after second. I just couldn't take this anymore. My body in its current fragile state just couldn’t hold me up any longer. Any and all strength that had held me up over the past years had been broken in just a matter of days. I shook uncontrollably and didn’t even stop when a pair of arms picked me up gently and held me close to a much toned chest. I felt the person sit down on the sand and just held me tight as all of my pent up frustrations and fears exited my body in the salty masses.

"You're going to be alright."

How did Matt know? How could he know? Everything wasn't going to be alright. It never had been and it never will be. You can't erase your life. Memories don't just leave you because you want them gone. They haunt you for the rest of your life most of the time. No matter how hard you try to get rid of bad memories they just keep coming back to torment you.

"It's not alright Matt. It's not. You can't go back and undo the many nights I spent curled up in my bed sobbing after having been raped by a drunken father or his stupid friends. I can still feel him on me. His filthy hands that violated me in the worst way possible. And the worst part? My mother knew. And she did nothing about it. She let it happen night after night. Nothing will change the bruises that covered my skin as I was beat for bringing my father the wrong type of beer or some other stupid screw up like that. He ruined me." I wailed as I continued to soak Matt's shirt with a fresh batch of tears.

"Then they had to go and die. I think that's the best thing that ever happened to me. I was free from the abuse but was left with nothing else. That's why I became homeless. I had nothing left and no one to turn to. My fears kept me away from everyone and even prevent me from doing simple things that most people enjoy. I can't take it anymore."

One of his calloused hands tangled itself in my hair and gently wiggled his fingers through it in a soothing manner. He repeated the process a few times before placing his palm flat against my scalp and holding me close to him.

"You don't have to keep it all bottled up. No one expects you to hun. You have lived an incredibly tough life so far. One so tough I can't even imagine putting myself in your place. You didn’t deserve any of that Celeste and you still don't to this day. You don’t deserve to be haunted by these memories. Wounds heal but the scars will never fade. I can only hope I might be able to help the wounds heal faster so they don't scar."

I let out a small sob and sniffled some as I clutched onto Matt for support.

"Is all this the reason why you flinched when I threw the shirt at you that day? And also why you hate beer and sex?" I nodded incredibly weakly against his torso.

"Just the thought of them brings back memories." I whispered as my voice cracked.

"I'll never hurt you Celeste. Ever. I've watched you from afar so often over the past year and finally it reached the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I mean sure you looked happy but I could tell something was still missing. Ruth had told me a good deal about you but she left things out when I asked. There is something about you that calls to me. I don't know what it is or where it came from but all I know is that I sure hope I can help make your life better. You of all people deserve it the most."

I didn’t really know how to respond to that so I just remained quiet as I clung to him. It felt good to cry. This time was different than when I was with Val. This time I was crying for my past. Each tear that fell seemed like a different memory that I wanted to get rid of. I was suddenly very aware that I couldn’t do this on my own.

"You're going to be alright hun. I'll help you through this. You're not alone and you never will be again." My head nodded against his chest as I wrapped my arms around his torso instead of keeping them against my own. I let out a deep sigh as I started to calm down. He was right. I wasn't alone in this. I now had a group of people who actually cared for once.

My red puffy eyes shifted so that I was now looking into his hazel ones. His thumb came up and wiped away the stray tears that were still placed upon my cheeks. My body was still trembling as he cradled me in his arms.

He let a small smile trace upon his lips as he tucked some of my hair behind me ears.
I knew these feelings were far from over. It would still take some time for me to get over my fears, I knew that.

But one thing was for sure.

I had never felt safer in my life than I did right now as I was held in Matt's embrace.