Status: The story is not supposed to end here. I wrote this five years ago and I am now 17; quite unmotivated to pick up writing it again, but we will see. hold on!
Hearts Recycled But Never Saved
This sentation is overwhelming
"Great. We have one week. One. Week. One fucking week to make it", Jimmy growled and kicked around a plastic bottle as we walked forwards. I was silent and only thought.
"Jimmy", I began. "You shouldn't take all the shit."
He grinned and walked up to block my way.
"Shut. Up", he said plainly, smiling.
"Seriously--" I tried.
"Am I not involved in your life?" he shouted to cut me off. "Come on, I beg you, let me do this for you... I just want to... to be important." He put his hands in his pockets, and I saw how his eyes glistened again.
I swallowed and bit my lip. I took a step closer.
"Look... you are important."
Hesitating, I put my arms around him and hugged him. I was on the point of crying, but I had no idea why.
"There is one way", Jimmy suddenly stated. I loosed my clutch, holding his shoulders instead, and stared into his brown eyes.
"What way?"
"We'll run away."
"Trust me, I've done this a million and one fucking times!"
"So... we're off tomorrow then?"
Jimmy nodded and started looking for something in his pocket.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
Jimmy scrowled as he seemingly didn't find that something inside the pocket.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
"A bit, why? Don't tell me that--"
Jimmy pulled up a few dollars. He looked a bit ashamed.
"Oh come on. Let's waste our money on more important things. Maybe we could use what you've got there to pay what we owe the cops", I said. "Food is everywhere out there."
"Whatsername, there really is one way! I really don't want to change our routines or something--"
"Then don't!" I yelled to cut him off. "What's wrong with you? What did they do to you? You're all fucking split up!"
"I know!" Jimmy shouted even louder. "I know", he repeated in a whisper. "Can't you see? If they catch you again, I lose you. They would take you away from me."
I gazed at him. This guy, who I had known for two days, was trying to help me. He wanted to take care of me, in voluntariness.
"One of the first things you ever told me Jimmy, was that you didn't care. You hate society, you hate life", I counted on fingers. "Why do you care if I get caught or not?"
"Because, I don't hate you." Jimmy got silent. He looked down at his feet, and then up at me again. It was easy to see how dumb and helpless he felt. "I'll be at 7-11 if you need me", he mumbled and started heading for the large 7-11 sign near the parking lot.
I didn't move for a few minutes. I watched Jimmy's back, and felt an intensive sting of 'shit, I did the wrong thing.'
Maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe he felt as hopeless as he looked like being. Maybe the only thing he cared about in this world was me?
I owed him something.
"Hey! Jimmy!" I croaked.
He turned around, and once again I felt like his glance was penetrating me.
In the very next second, I began to running up to him.
I tried to buy as less food as possible, but Jimmy looked at me as if I was either a little kid, or a very old lady.
"That won't keep you alive for very long", he kept say, and ended up buying me two sandwiches, a beer and a coke and a chocolate bar. For himself, he only bought a beer.
"Don't die for me now", I said half jokingly, half seriously, as we left the 7-11 and walked into the chilly night.
"I would." Jimmy said and kept his eyes on the sidewalk.
And I simply didn't know what to answer.
"I've been looking for that something that everyone talks about my entire life. And there's something about this... that kind of... makes me feel. I thought I had stopped to feel before I met you", he said to the sidewalk.
Still speechless, I grabbed his hand. I hoped that was enough for him to understand.
That night was the longest night of my life. We stole a car from a parking lot, escaped with it and almost fell asleep while driving. I was so worried about everything. Jimmy drove the car, and even if he joked and seemed happy, I knew he wasn't at all. I wanted to help that guy, heal him, save him, tell him that everything would be alright. Tell him that someday, we would get out of that deep shit, become people. But the matter was - I couldn't promise him anything. It scared me. If there was one thing I wanted to do for him, it was making him feel safe. I know that life is unfair, sure... but sometimes you can't keep your mind off of that. It's a terrible truth - you can't do everything even if you try all the way to the grave.
Five days passed. These days, we both were really down. But only feeling that he was beside me, and that he would catch me if I fell, made me keep on through the constant fear. I don't remember anything of those days. They just... passed. They passed away, to never get remembered or reflected. Nobody knows what nobody remembers.
That's what Jimmy said.
"Can I open my eyes?" I said curiously.
"Just one second... okay... now!"
Jimmy sat infront of me in the narrow lane. He held a paper, and handed it to me.
"What's this..." I whispered to myself.
"Read it aloud", Jimmy required and pushed himself back, closer to the brickwall behind him.
I cleared my throat.
"She's a rebel, she's a saint, she's the salt of the earth and she's dangerous. She's a rebel, vigilante, missing link on the brink of destruction. From Chicago, to Toronto, she's the one that they call old Whatsername. She's the symbol of resistance, and she's..." I bit my lip and beamed at the blushing Jimmy. "Holding on my heart like a handgrenade." I finished the sentence and sighed happily, just like in a romantic crap movie.
"Did you write this? For me?!"
Jimmy blushed even more and opened his mouth to say something. But before he had time to, I threw my arms around him and held him tight.
This time I couldn't avoid the tears. They flew out of my eyes and I just didn't care about wiping them.
"What's wrong?" Jimmy whispered. "You alright?"
"I sure as hell am", I sobbed. "Thanks... I don't know how to thank you... J-jimmy..." I got silent and let the last tears rin down my cheeks.
"Well there is one way", Jimmy and I joked simultaneously and burst into laughter, still holding each other.
I leaned a little bit backwards, with my pulse speeding, just to drown in his eyes again. He put his right hand on my shoulder.
"Is it the first time?" he wondered and wiped away my tears with his thumb.
"Is it yours?" I replied with a wide smirk.
"Just do it."
His lips met mine in a soft kiss. The feeling overwhelmed me. Was it really me, sharing a real kiss? A kiss that was worth something? Kissing a guy like Jimmy?
I forgot everything else that night. The world was all about me, and Jimmy. The world was all about two shitty, poor, pot-smoking, drug addicted adolescents in a one meter wide, dirty, slummy lane.
The world was all about love.
"Jimmy", I began. "You shouldn't take all the shit."
He grinned and walked up to block my way.
"Shut. Up", he said plainly, smiling.
"Seriously--" I tried.
"Am I not involved in your life?" he shouted to cut me off. "Come on, I beg you, let me do this for you... I just want to... to be important." He put his hands in his pockets, and I saw how his eyes glistened again.
I swallowed and bit my lip. I took a step closer.
"Look... you are important."
Hesitating, I put my arms around him and hugged him. I was on the point of crying, but I had no idea why.
"There is one way", Jimmy suddenly stated. I loosed my clutch, holding his shoulders instead, and stared into his brown eyes.
"What way?"
"We'll run away."
"Trust me, I've done this a million and one fucking times!"
"So... we're off tomorrow then?"
Jimmy nodded and started looking for something in his pocket.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
Jimmy scrowled as he seemingly didn't find that something inside the pocket.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
"A bit, why? Don't tell me that--"
Jimmy pulled up a few dollars. He looked a bit ashamed.
"Oh come on. Let's waste our money on more important things. Maybe we could use what you've got there to pay what we owe the cops", I said. "Food is everywhere out there."
"Whatsername, there really is one way! I really don't want to change our routines or something--"
"Then don't!" I yelled to cut him off. "What's wrong with you? What did they do to you? You're all fucking split up!"
"I know!" Jimmy shouted even louder. "I know", he repeated in a whisper. "Can't you see? If they catch you again, I lose you. They would take you away from me."
I gazed at him. This guy, who I had known for two days, was trying to help me. He wanted to take care of me, in voluntariness.
"One of the first things you ever told me Jimmy, was that you didn't care. You hate society, you hate life", I counted on fingers. "Why do you care if I get caught or not?"
"Because, I don't hate you." Jimmy got silent. He looked down at his feet, and then up at me again. It was easy to see how dumb and helpless he felt. "I'll be at 7-11 if you need me", he mumbled and started heading for the large 7-11 sign near the parking lot.
I didn't move for a few minutes. I watched Jimmy's back, and felt an intensive sting of 'shit, I did the wrong thing.'
Maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe he felt as hopeless as he looked like being. Maybe the only thing he cared about in this world was me?
I owed him something.
"Hey! Jimmy!" I croaked.
He turned around, and once again I felt like his glance was penetrating me.
In the very next second, I began to running up to him.
I tried to buy as less food as possible, but Jimmy looked at me as if I was either a little kid, or a very old lady.
"That won't keep you alive for very long", he kept say, and ended up buying me two sandwiches, a beer and a coke and a chocolate bar. For himself, he only bought a beer.
"Don't die for me now", I said half jokingly, half seriously, as we left the 7-11 and walked into the chilly night.
"I would." Jimmy said and kept his eyes on the sidewalk.
And I simply didn't know what to answer.
"I've been looking for that something that everyone talks about my entire life. And there's something about this... that kind of... makes me feel. I thought I had stopped to feel before I met you", he said to the sidewalk.
Still speechless, I grabbed his hand. I hoped that was enough for him to understand.
That night was the longest night of my life. We stole a car from a parking lot, escaped with it and almost fell asleep while driving. I was so worried about everything. Jimmy drove the car, and even if he joked and seemed happy, I knew he wasn't at all. I wanted to help that guy, heal him, save him, tell him that everything would be alright. Tell him that someday, we would get out of that deep shit, become people. But the matter was - I couldn't promise him anything. It scared me. If there was one thing I wanted to do for him, it was making him feel safe. I know that life is unfair, sure... but sometimes you can't keep your mind off of that. It's a terrible truth - you can't do everything even if you try all the way to the grave.
Five days passed. These days, we both were really down. But only feeling that he was beside me, and that he would catch me if I fell, made me keep on through the constant fear. I don't remember anything of those days. They just... passed. They passed away, to never get remembered or reflected. Nobody knows what nobody remembers.
That's what Jimmy said.
"Can I open my eyes?" I said curiously.
"Just one second... okay... now!"
Jimmy sat infront of me in the narrow lane. He held a paper, and handed it to me.
"What's this..." I whispered to myself.
"Read it aloud", Jimmy required and pushed himself back, closer to the brickwall behind him.
I cleared my throat.
"She's a rebel, she's a saint, she's the salt of the earth and she's dangerous. She's a rebel, vigilante, missing link on the brink of destruction. From Chicago, to Toronto, she's the one that they call old Whatsername. She's the symbol of resistance, and she's..." I bit my lip and beamed at the blushing Jimmy. "Holding on my heart like a handgrenade." I finished the sentence and sighed happily, just like in a romantic crap movie.
"Did you write this? For me?!"
Jimmy blushed even more and opened his mouth to say something. But before he had time to, I threw my arms around him and held him tight.
This time I couldn't avoid the tears. They flew out of my eyes and I just didn't care about wiping them.
"What's wrong?" Jimmy whispered. "You alright?"
"I sure as hell am", I sobbed. "Thanks... I don't know how to thank you... J-jimmy..." I got silent and let the last tears rin down my cheeks.
"Well there is one way", Jimmy and I joked simultaneously and burst into laughter, still holding each other.
I leaned a little bit backwards, with my pulse speeding, just to drown in his eyes again. He put his right hand on my shoulder.
"Is it the first time?" he wondered and wiped away my tears with his thumb.
"Is it yours?" I replied with a wide smirk.
"Just do it."
His lips met mine in a soft kiss. The feeling overwhelmed me. Was it really me, sharing a real kiss? A kiss that was worth something? Kissing a guy like Jimmy?
I forgot everything else that night. The world was all about me, and Jimmy. The world was all about two shitty, poor, pot-smoking, drug addicted adolescents in a one meter wide, dirty, slummy lane.
The world was all about love.