Redemption

“I was there when they buried a friend of mine this last week, which was probably the worst thing that has happened in a while.”

“I’m sorry Mallory, how are you handling her death now?”

“Good, well better, thanks to Joe.”

“How is Joe? Did you think of what we talked about last time?”

“He wants to tell the media about us, I don’t want him to. I just can’t have the world judging me.”

“Does the possibility of him telling give you suicidal thoughts?”

“No, no not at all, it just makes me nervous, makes me wonder.”

“Wonder about what?”

I stared up at the ceiling as I lay down on the couch in Dr. Allen’s office. I didn’t answer her right away but stayed thinking. What did I wonder about?

“I wonder if I could handle it all,” I said and sat up and looked at her.

“What if you couldn’t handle it?”

“I wouldn’t be able to stay,” the response came out without any thought in it and it shocked me.

“Is he going to tell the media?” Dr. Allen asked, seeming intrigued by this conversation.

“Yes, I’m sure, I just don’t want him to.”

“Has he taken your opinion into consideration?”

“I hope.”

“Where is Joe right now?” Dr. Allen asked, but she asked this question looking down instead of at me.

“Why?”

“Just wondering.”

“Radio interview.”

“When was the interview?” she asked, still staring down at her clipboard.

“It aired earlier, but he may still be there.”

“What if Joe told the world about you two on this radio interview?”

“I don’t think he would tell without telling me first,” I scoffed and lay back down and heard her let out a sigh.

“What if he did tell?”

“Let’s just drop it,” I was beginning to get irritated with this conversation.

“Mallory,” she began and I looked at her “What if he did tell?”

It suddenly clicked; she wasn’t asking a question, she was telling me something. It felt as if though all the breath in my body was forced out of me. Maybe Dr. Allen was lying though; maybe she was trying to see how I could act in this situation. I stared at her, but she showed no signs of lying. She kept looking at me and then scribbling something on her notepad.

“He told? You heard it didn’t you?” I said as I stood up, my anger rising and my body quivering.

“Calm down Mallory, I just thought that we should talk about it since I had decided that this would be your last session with me.”

“I, I can’t talk about it, I, just tell me what he said.”

“He said something along the lines of that he had found a special someone who’s name was Mallory Caraco and that you two had been dating for the last while.”

I didn’t say anything, just closed my eyes and tried to wake up. I tried to pretend I was dreaming, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t stay in this room any longer, but Joe wouldn’t be here to pick me up yet. Joe, just thinking about him right now made me so furious. I could already hear all the nasty things said about me, my name on the front of a magazine with my past unraveled for the whole world to know about.

“Mallory?”

“I need to go,” I said and headed toward the door.

“But we still have a few minutes left in this session,” she called.

“I’m sorry, but I’m going,” I left in a fury, pushing past people until I was outside. I tried to breathe as I walked toward the nearest bus stop, but I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t believe he would do this, that he would disclose our relationship to the whole world like that. I wasn’t the perfect girl that people would expect him to date; I use to be a whore for God’s sake!

I felt as if though all the people on the bus were staring at me when I got on and sat down. No one was looking at me though, but I couldn’t help but wonder when they would all know who I was. I rested my head on my hands, trying to calm myself but I felt so nervous, anxious and furious. Joe could have told me, could have let me know he was going to tell the whole world, because soon they will find out about us having sex, about me being a stripper, about my own father raping me, about me being into drugs at a young age, they will know everything and I will never be looked at the same.

The bus ride was long but when we reached my stop I ran off and kept running. I stopped running when I saw his car parked and knew he was home. My hands were so shaky that I could barely put the key in the lock and open the door. He looked surprised when I came in and Charger ran up to me, tail wagging in happiness.

“Hey baby, what are you doing home? How did you even get home?” he asked, a huge smile on his face as he came up to me.

I slapped him.

“You fucking bastard! How could you tell! How could you not tell me!” I yelled as he looked at me, holding onto his cheek.

“What are you talking about?”

“Your radio interview,” I said as tears brimmed my eyes.

“I thought you would be happy! We don’t have to sneak around; the whole world knows how I feel about you now!”

“Happy!? I told you I wasn’t ready for people to know yet!” I screamed and slapped him again.

“Did you hear the interview?” he asked, backing up from me.

“Fuck you!”

“Mallory calm down!” he yelled and I was about to slap him again when he grabbed my wrists.

“Mallory I told the radio, I told everyone-“ “Yes I know you told everyone!” I yelled and tried to break free from him.

“No! Listen! Mallory I told them that I love you! Mallory I love you,” he said looking into my teary brown eyes. I was about to yell but soon his words registered and I shut up and stopped fighting him.

“What?” I asked softly, tears falling now for a different reason.

“Mallory I love you,” he said and let go of my wrists and wrapped me up in his arms. “I love you,” he said again and kissed my neck. “I love you so much,” he said and kissed my cheek. “I love you I love you I love you,” he said and kissed my lips and I kissed him back, tasting my salty tears.

“I love you,” I whispered as our lips parted and I kissed him again. We kept kissing until he picked me up in his arms and took me upstairs.

I felt so angry, yet so happy, so sad, yet so happy. He laid me on the bed and kept telling me over and over again that he loved me, that he had wanted to tell me for so long, that he had loved me since he met me. Hearing him say that he loved me filled me with this feeling I had never had before. He took my shirt off, leaving kisses from my neck down to my belly button.

“I love you Joe, I love you,” I said as he came up to my face and kissed me. He smiled and kissed me again and again.

I always though that sex was sex, that even with Joe I had always called it sex, but no with Joe it was making love. With Joe it was different, I loved Joe and with him it would always be love. As we made love until the sun set and I fell asleep in his arms, I knew what I was meant to do with my life. I lay there with him and realized that if he loved me, he would understand, that if he really loved me he could wait, he could let me do this, could let me do what I knew I was meant to do.

I felt his warm breath on my neck and didn’t want to get up, but I had to. I slid his arms off of me and stood up and got dressed. I packed my suitcases with everything I had and placed them by the front door. I then went back into his room to grab a piece of paper and a pen.

I love you Joe Jonas, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
I’m sorry, just remember I love you.
Please don’t make this hard for both of us.
I won’t answer my phone, I have to do this and if I talk to you I will just come back.
Thank you Joe, you changed me, you gave me the strength to find God and finally listen to what I am supposed to do with my life.
We are still young but I will never meet anyone who can inspire me, change me, or love me like you have.
I love you.
Wait for me.

I left the note on his bed side table, and then I left.