Excuse The Obscene

“Excuse me miss. You need to put that out.”

Brown hair. Flat chest. Acne. An odd looking teen was telling me to put my cigarette out.

I just stared at her for a few moments. She was giving me one of those fake smiles that attempt to hide sheer awkwardness. The uncomfortable smile didn’t suit her too small face.

“Toni put it out.” Val said from her seat across from me.

Life’s truly a bitch.

I took a moment to contemplate my options. I could forgo the food, leave the restaurant and keep smoking my last cigarette. It’s almost unhealthy how much appeal the idea had. Who needs food when you can chain smoke?

It’s sad really that only a few weeks ago I wasn’t much of a smoker. I had a feeling that this was just the beginning of what living with Zacky would do to me. It was all too much. The arguments, the physical blows (mostly on my part), the sexual tension. It was enough to drive anyone to smoking two packs a day.

“Toni.” Val’s voice pulled me from my thoughts.

I looked up at Val, and then at the waitress, before returning my gaze to my cigarette. My last cigarette.

I smothered the already dying flame of my last cigarette and dropped it in the ashtray giving the waitress a sarcastic smile.

“Are you ready to order?” The adolescent asked, looking back and forth between Val and I.

A little over two hours later Val and I left the restaurant and headed to my car. The car that, according to Val, Zacky had kept and refused to let anyone touch in the past two years that I was gone. I had been reluctant to claim the car as mine again but considering I had no other mode of transportation I chose to just get the fuck over it.

It seemed lately that I had to do that a lot lately. ’Get over it’. Having to live with Zacky because there was no available apartments in the vicinity and living with any of the other guys was apparently out of the question. Get over it. Drew going back to Jersey to tie up all loose ends without me and leaving me alone for a week in this hell hole. Get over it. Putting out my last cigarette. Get over it. This much acceptance on my part could only lead to negativity. Like the shooting of a civilian. Or an acne riddled teenager.

“You owe me a pack.” I said to Val as I climbed into the driver’s seat.

“Don’t you think you should cut back.” She shut the door of the passenger side and I started the car.

“Only if you find a different way for me to cope.”

Val just laughed and looked at me.

“Stop being a drama queen. Did you ever think that it would be so much easier if you gave in?”

“Gave into what?” I asked Val, somewhat distractedly as I tried to focus on not getting pulled over by the cop car lurking behind me.

“Zacky.”

This caught my attention and for a moment I turned away from the road to look at Val. She just sat there smirking at me.

“Are you fucking kidding?” I asked, knowing full well that she wasn’t.

“You’re still a stubborn bitch-”

“Thank you.” I cut her off, looking back towards the road.

“- and you really need to accept that you and Zacky belong together-”

“Touching.”

“and, yeah he made a huge fucking mistake. He’s far from perfect-”

“No shit.” I scoffed.

“- but you’re pretty fucked up too.”

“That hurts.” Val ignored my sarcasm and continued on with her rant.

“But that’s just the way shit is between you two. The two of you are a sick explosion waiting to happen. Fuck him already and everything can go back to the way it was supposed to be. The dysfunctional but lovable way things are supposed to be.” As always, Val swung her arms around as if it would help make her point. I got the feeling if I wasn’t driving she’d try to physically slap her opinion into my head.

“Can we please talk about something else? All this Zacky talk is making me want to smoke.”

“Fine. We can talk about Drew and when you’ll finally cut the fucking cord and send his ass back east.”

“No, Val” was my only response. Val had been bugging me about Drew ever since we both moved in to Zacky‘s house. Together. And started doing jobs. Together. And generally spending time. Together. I know that I most definitely have no urge to be more than friends with Drew and I’m fairly sure that he feels the same way about me but I made it a point to spend a lot of time with him for two reasons. One, was the obvious. This is an entirely new setting for him and it doesn’t help that the guys all hate him. Someone has to make sure he sees daylight and has company. And two. I know it annoys the living shit out of Zacky. More than annoys him. Pisses him off. And these days, I’m game for anything that pisses Zacky off. Upsetting him helps make me stay mad at him. And staying mad is much better than tearing the clothes from his body and fucking him senseless.

“Oh come on, Toni,” Val snapped me from my thoughts again, “I‘m not his biggest fan, the guys pretty much hate his guts and Zacky would kill him if it wasn’t for the fact that it would piss you off. I’d say the guy isn’t really wanted around.”

“I want him around. And you may not have noticed but I don’t want to fucking be here anyways so you guys are just going to have to get used to him. Cut me a fucking break.”

“Fine.” Val shrugged. “But just remember, I’m never wrong. And you’re lying. You want to be here. If you really didn’t want to be here there would be no one and no thing that could keep you here.”

I scoffed but didn’t bother giving an actual response. Partially because I didn’t want to continue this argument and partially because I had nothing to say.

I dropped Val off at her and Matt’s house, promising her we’d talk later. Soon after that I dragged myself into Zacky’s house and my own personal hell. I could hear some of the guys messing around in the lounge area but for the most part the house was calm. Or as calm as a place like this can get.
I walked into the lounge to find Jimmy, Johnny and Brian immersed in a game of pool.

“Hey, Toni.” Jimmy looked up and greeted me.

Brian stayed to focused on the game to bother with greeting me and Johnny stood beside the pool table actively ignoring me like he had been doing for the past few weeks.

“Hey, Jimmy.” I gave Jimmy a nod before looking around the rest of the room. “Where’s Drew?”

“Alive, if that’s what you’re asking.” Jimmy was the one to answer.

I rolled my eyes before turning on my heels and leaving the room. I’d convinced myself that the guys might actually like Drew if they gave him one fucking chance. But of course the guys have a problem with Drew because Zacky has a problem with Drew. And Zacky has a problem with Drew because Zacky has a problem with me.

I strolled down the hallway until I reached Drew’s room, throwing the door open without wasting time knocking.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I asked, slightly shocked as I watched Drew walk back and forth, filling a duffel bag with all his things.

“Packing.” Drew grunted without looking up at me.

“And why the fuck are you doing that?” My head played ping pong as I watched Drew cross the room again and again, shoving things carelessly into the duffel.

“Because I’m going back to Jersey.”

I paused for a moment and just watched what was happening. Because my life wasn’t fucked up enough already.

“Like hell you are.” I walked over to the bed where his duffel was perched and started pulling items out of the bag and tossing them in various directions.

“Stop fucking around, Toni.” Drew grabbed both my arms and tried to pull me away from the duffel bag. He got an elbow to the stomach for his efforts. He grunted and let go of me and I continued to graciously help him unpack.

“Fucking leave it Toni.” He tried again. If you can’t take the girl from the bag then take the bag from the girl. Drew yanked the now half full duffel out of me reach and tossed it to the side.

“I’m leaving, Toni. That’s it. This isn’t a fucking discussion.”

“Yes it is! You can’t just make these decisions without me.” I swung my arms around, no doubt a habit I had picked up from Val.

“Sort of how you made the decision for us, both of us, to stay here without fucking asking me first.”

“That’s different.” And even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t true. I most definitely had made the decision for both of us without consulting him and it was no different then what he was doing now.

“Fuck off Toni.”

“Yeah, right after you suck my imaginary dick.” It’s a proven fact that when it comes to Drew, the more upset I become the less wittier and relevant my comments are. I blame this on the fact that Drew almost always makes sense and it’s too fucking hard to fight his logic.

Drew knew this too and it was all to easy for him to recognize the signs. He gave a short laugh and ran his hand over his face.

“Toni, this place - it isn’t me. It’s you. It’s your past, your family, your jobs and your fight. I can’t stick around here with you just because you’re clinging to some notion that you need me around. Don’t get me wrong, this is a chance a lot of guys would probably kill for. But it’s not going to fucking work for me. Not with your ex trying to find the most subtle way to fucking kill me. I have to go back to my life. Even if it means leaving you here, partner.” Drew finished talking before picking up his duffel bag and trying to repack the things I had thrown out.

“So that’s it? You surrender. He pushes you around a little and you leave? Put some fucking hair on your chest.”

“Have you seen his fucking arsenal? We both know I’m tough as shit but unlike you, I’m not reckless. I know when the odds are against me and I know when to get the fuck out.”

“You mean pussy out.” I cut him off.

“Besides, other than you, there’s nothing keeping me here. Shit you’re the reason I even ended up here. ” Drew laughed a little, winking at me.

“No. Fuck that. I’m going to take care of this.” I moved to leave the room but was stopped by Drew’s hand wrapping around my arm.

“No Toni, you can’t fight this fight for me.”

“You said it yourself,” I cocked my eyebrow at him, “this is my fight. Not yours.”
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Cleaning a gun can be very therapeutic. Some people knit, some people meditate. I take apart guns and put them back together. And then, occasionally, find someone to use it on.

I was just observing my favorite pistol when my bedroom door practically came down from the amount of force used to throw it open. I cocked my gun and pointed it at the door, ready to threaten anyone that thought it would be a good fucking idea to bother me when I had asked to be left alone in peace and quiet.

Toni stormed into the room and I smirked, putting my gun down.

“What the fuck is your problem?” She asked stopping in the middle of the large room.

Ah, just like old times. Toni would burst into my room pissed off about something or another. The same erotic, angry face that made her skin look flushed and sexy. The way she tried to intimidate me but only drove me crazy with lust. We’d fight, have angry sex, make up and end with make-up sex.

But those were the old times and I got the feeling that no matter how much I wanted this argument to end that way, it probably wouldn’t.

“Zacky, are you fucking listening to me?!” Toni’s shouting grabbed my attention and I looked her up and down one more time before trying to focus on her face.

Focusing on her face was probably not the best plan. Those red tinted, flushed cheeks over that soft olive toned skin. Those plump, red lips pulled into an angry frown that I swore only looked good on Toni. Those hazel eyes full of passion. Angry passion, but passion nonetheless.

“Fucking hell, Zacky why do you have to try to make me miserable?”

She was still yelling about something and this conversation really wouldn’t work if I didn’t start focusing on what it was she was saying. But why did her voice have to sound so goddamn erotic?

“Jesus, can you not give him such a hard fucking time. It’s bad enough that I have to stay here, do you have to take him away from me too?”

Oh so that’s what she’s going on and on about. That douche that followed her like a fucking shadow.

“What your shadow’s been crying about the way he’s being treated? Well tell him to pack his shit up and haul ass if he’s got a problem.” I spoke for the first time since Toni entered the room.

“See! That’s the fucking problem!” Toni stormed closer to me but I stayed seated on the bed, looking up at her.

“No, I don’t see.”

“He’s leaving and -”

“I don’t see that as a problem.” I tried to stay focused on the argument but the closer Toni came the tighter my pants got and the less interested I became in this supposed ’problem’. My only problem right now was not having Toni in my bed after going without her for two fucking years.

“You’re such a fucking asshole.”

“Thanks sweetheart.” I replied nonchalantly as my eyes traveled down from her beautiful face to her gorgeous curves.

“This isn’t even about him. This is about you and me and you know it!”

Finally a topic I could focus on. Us.

“Of course this is about us.” I got up off the bed and stood just a few inches from Toni.

“No, there is no us. There is a you and there is a me.”

“And then there’s us. Toni you know I still love you. You know I never really stopped. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to.”

“Love.” Toni scoffed at me and crossed her arms over her chest again. “Did you love me when you believed I had turned on you? When you called me a slut and a traitor? Did you love me when you kicked my ass on this floor? When you bashed and bruised me? Did you love me when I kneeled before you here and you pointed a gun at me?! When you honestly thought about killing me?! Did you love me then Zacky?! Did you?!” The longer she went on the louder her voice got.

The memories still fucking stung more than anything else. Hearing her relive it hurt so much more than when I had relived it over and over again in my head. I would never fucking forgive myself and I didn‘t want to. But I would never stop loving her either.

“I know I fucked up.” I reached to wrap my arms around her but she put both arms out to push me away. It would have worked if I hadn’t already gotten a hold of her jean pockets and pulled her with me.

“That is such a fucking understatement!” She screamed at me even though there was only about a few inches of space between us. She started hitting my arms to try and break free but I kept my hands locked tightly on her hips.

“Let me fucking go!” She shouted.

“No. I‘m never letting you go.” I felt her hand connect with my face and my head twisted to the side from the force of the slap.

I continued holding onto her hips. After the first slap, Toni really let loose. Kicking and screaming and punching and scratching. I let her attack me without even trying to fight back. She was using everything she had and using me like a punching bag but I made sure my hands never left her hips. She kneed me everywhere she could reach and I bit back my groans as I held onto her hips.

The longer I let it happen, the more rage she let out. The harder the punches and the kicks became. I bit my tongue as I watched the tears start to stream down her face as she kept yelling hysterically.

Finally I took one hand off of her hip and grabbed my gun off the bed, my eyes never leaving her. I shoved the gun in her hand without saying a word. While she looked down at the gun, I took my other hand off her hip.

I kept my eyes on hers as I slowly knelt on the floor in front of her.

Never in my life have I knelt before anyone. I’ve never given anyone my gun. I’ve never stared into the barrel of a gun and just waited. I’ve never relinquished this much control and power to anyone. But I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved Toni and I would do anything to make her see that.

“I fucking hated you, Zacky! I hate you!” She pointed the gun at me and screamed, tears still running down her face. “For two fucking years Zacky, you haunted me! You just wouldn’t fucking go away. And I don’t love you! I don’t want to love you! I fucking hate what you did to me. I fucking hate that I let you! You hurt me Zack. You fucking hurt me when you said you never would! You promised, Zacky! You promised me you’d protect me and look what that fucking got me! You fucking ruined me!”

Her voice was frantic and pitchy and she stepped closer as she yelled. She pressed the gun right against my forehead and I didn’t flinch. If she hated me enough to actually kill me then I didn’t want to live. If she wanted me gone so badly that she pulled the trigger, then I had no reason to live.

She gasped a little and lowered the gun. She wasn’t yelling anymore and the tears had slowed their pace a little. Her breathing was still labored as she looked down at me.

With my eyes still on hers I reached over and slowly ran my hand over hers before removing the gun from her grasp and dropping it to the floor. Before my mind could really comprehend what was happening, I was standing again and had Toni pressed flush up against my body. Seconds later my lips were pressed against hers and my hands were running all over her curvaceous body. The kiss was hot and frantic. I slipped my hands underneath her shirt and pulled it over her head, tossing it to the side. Her bra joined it seconds later. I pulled away from her lips to look down and admire her figure. I couldn’t help myself and soon my lips were connecting with her ample chests, my hands running over them. I felt her throw her neck back and I heard her groan. She pushed my head away and yanked at my shirt frantically as I tried to undo the button on her jeans. All of our clothes were on the floor in record time.

She pushed me back onto the bed and started running her tongue up and down my neck. I groaned loudly before rolling us both over so I hovered over her. Her skin was so fucking soft I took the time to explore every inch of it, leaving bite marks all over her. Her little whimpers and groans only excited me more. I ignored the almost unbearable hardness of my dick in favor kissing, licking and biting her just so I could hear those little moans again and again. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to have her. I kissed my way back up to her face and pushed my lips against hers. She moaned into my mouth as our bodies rubbed against each other. I groaned as she ran her nails down my back. And then I was sliding into her for the first time in two years.

And it was like fucking heaven. It was like coming home again. It was like regaining the large part of me that had been missing for two years. It was everything. She is everything.