I Left You Bound and Tied With Suicidal Memories

"Tracy," a familiar voice seemed to be calling out. "Tracyyyyy," it called out again.

Slowly, I opened my eyes to find myself in my bedroom at home - my old home. Everything seemed to look blur and white. I turned my head to my left to see Mom sitting on my bed, smiling down at me.

"Mom?" I said in disbelief.

She gave me a wider smile as she nodded her head once. I felt tears forcing its way out of my eyes as i sat up straight to give her a tight hug - a hug I've been dying to give since she died.

She hugged me back and immediately, tears came rolling down my cheeks. "Mom, I missed you," I cried.

She hushed me as she slid her hands through my hair - a comforting gesture to make me feel better. "I missed you too, baby," she said and pulled away.

I looked at her through watery eyes. "Where am I?" I asked.

She gave me a small smile. "Home," she replied.

I stood up, walking towards the window, looking outside. No cars, no kids running around the neighbourhood, no neighbours.

"What happened to you, mom?" I asked as I turned around to face her.

She looked down at the floor, her face hiding her emotions. "It doesn't matter now, honey. What's done is done."

I shook my head in anger. "What do you mean it doesn't matter? Of course it does! I waited for you to come back to fetch me. Two days later, I had to see you in your coffin! Do you even know how hard life had been for me? Grandmama took care of me - yes - but after she died, I had to go to a foster home! Do you even know how I was treated back there? How no one wanted to take me into their home?"

She looked up at me apologetically.

But I wasn't done yet. "I couldn't reach Dad either. Fuck knows if he's still alive!"

"Don't use that word," Mom looked at me with a stern look.

I shook my head in disgust as started pacing around the room. "The kids in school called me an orphan. Any idea how that feels, mom? How about, always wanting someone to save me from the nightmare - hoping, wishing and praying that it was all a big dream. That you are still alive and that you'd come to save me."

I looked at her but her face still did not give way to any emotions. But when I looked into her eyes, I know she was sorry for the shits that had happened to me.

"No miracles happened, so I decided that there is no God. Mom, the person you have been praying for does not exist," I said, tears rolling down my cheeks.

She stood up immediately and pointed her index finger to me. "Don't say that. Of course there is a God. Tracy, you just need to keep praying and believe in Him," she said, her face finally showing a hint of anger.

"Save the preaches to yourself Mom," I snapped, "Where was He when I needed him the most? He didn't even bother to send me a miracle."

"The fact that you're seeing me right now - is that not a miracle?" Mom looked at me.

I opened my mouth but shut it when i know I didn't have anything to say to that. Slowly, she gave me her motherly smile as she sat down on my bed and patted to an empty space next to her. I walked over and sat down as she took a brush and started brushing my hair.

"Life isn't easy, honey.. You have to go through its obstacles in order to have happiness," she said, her voice so soft.

"You didn't get your happiness, did you?" I said, feeling myself in the verge of breaking down.

She paused before continiuing, "I did have my happiness. It is you," she said. Immediately, tears started to roll down again.

"Since I'm dead, I'm staying with you, Mom," I said in between cries.

"Her pulse is going up," I heard voices filling the air.

She turn to look at me with a smile. "You will. But not today," she stroked my hair.

"What?" I shrieked in disbelief, "No! No. I want to stay with you!" I was starting to shake vigourosly now.

The whole room became white before started looking back to normal. "You can't honey. It is not your time," Mom whispered.

I cried shaking my head. The whole room became white again, as I felt myself jumping a little. It felt like electric shocks, but it didn't hurt at all.

"I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU!!" I cried, hugging her.

She hushed me as she gave me the comforting gesture again. "You will, baby. You will."

the same electirc shock came again. "Mommy!" I cried as I felt myself starting to drift away from her.

She gave me a sad smile. "You have a brother, Trace," she said.

I shook my head, not caring about what she was saying right now. All I wanted was to be with my mom. I stretched my hands, reaching out for her - as I drifted further and further away. "Mommy! Don't leave me!" I was crying badly now.

She gave me a small smile as she wiped away the tears from her eyes. "I'll never leave you, baby. I'll always be watching over you."

The electric shock were more intense.

I opened my eyes as I exhaled a large amount of oxygen. My eyes started looking around the place - hoping to find Mom right in front of me. All I saw was the white light above me. The faces surrounding me were looking down at me.

Mom, I thought as I started to black out.