Status: complete :)
Set on False Pretense
12
Oh, God. I could have handled that better. I should have let him explain himself, but I'd known that if I had heard his voice, heard him say my name, that I would break down and start crying. One I had gone round the corner and was no longer in his view, I stopped and leant against the wall and ran my hand over my face. I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done, but I wish I could. Then a sound resounded in the corridors and it felt like a stab to my heart. I heard Will sobbing. I squeezed my eyes shut to prevent my tears. I couldn’t let him get to me, I wasn't going to feel bad for the way I did that. He had betrayed me and deserved nothing less than my hatred. However, with every sob out of his tiny body I felt my heart breaking even more than it already was.
I clenched my jaw against my own cries. I wasn't going to let him know I was still here. After 20 minutes I heard his cries dying down and I thought I was free from the pain in my chest. I frowned when I heard some strange noises. I was tempted to peak round the corner to see what he was doing but I didn't dare. I was afraid that it would hurt. After a short while a locker slam, a door opened and closed further down the corridor and I looked round the corner. I frowned when I saw a pile of rubbish on the floor in front of his locker. My heart thudded in my chest and I slowly walked over to his locker and crouched down. I felt the remains of my heart shatter completely when I realised what the shreds of paper were. His songs. I felt my breath hitch as I realised I had caused him this much pain. I lifted up the papers and saw something underneath them. I frowned and then picked up a splintered CD case. Inside, the disc was snapped and broken, unable to be listened to. However, I could make out what was written on the inside of the case.
"My Chad.
These songs I wrote for you
Show my feelings are true.
You're all I ever need.
You're all I ever want.
Yours forever,
Will. X"
I realised that tears were trickling down my cheeks and I sniffed and wiped at them. Oh, God, what have I done? What if Will hadn’t told anyone? What if Max had found out another way? "Oh, God," I whispered. What if I had just broken the heart of the only boy I love?
I went straight to the changing room where I knew "my team" were waiting for me and for my report on how I had crushed Will. I went straight through the door and they all looked up. "How'd it go?" Max asked, smiling – sneering – at me.
"Max, how did you find out?" I asked him and he stood up.
"Will told us," he shrugged and I grabbed the collar of his shirt so tightly I must have been reducing his oxygen flow slightly.
"Max, how did you find out!?" I asked again, shouting this time. I wanted the truth.
"Will-" he said and I raised my fist and hit him hard. "Shit!" he cried as I let go of him and he fell to the bench. I turned to face the rest of my team who were all watching, eyes wide.
"Tell me!" I shouted at them and they all took a small step backwards.
"Max found your file," Jake said softly and I turned to him and saw him looking somewhat regretful.
"What?" I asked and then realised. I knew something had been missing from my locker...I just hadn’t realised what it was.
"You file that was full of notes from Will," he continued and I turned back to Max, who now had blood trickling from his nose.
"What the fuck were you doing in my locker!?" I shouted at him and he shrugged.
"I was looking for your English notes," he said. "I picked up that file by mistake and all the notes fell out. While I was picked them up I read some of them and figured it out."
"You little..." I advanced on him again, but someone grabbed my arms and held me back. "Fuck you," I spat and then stormed out of the room and went to my car and drove home.
I walked through my door, still unbelievably angry. "Hey, shouldn’t you be at practise?" dad asked as I slammed the door and he came to see what was going on.
"Fuck off," I muttered and ran up the stairs, went into my room and slammed the door. I went and lay on my bed, still shaking with anger. Then I imagined Will's face as I pushed him forcefully against the lockers. I remembered seeing the flash of pain on his face and I hated myself. I remembered seeing his fear as I spoke. Then I remembered the joy he had right at the beginning when he saw me. I remembered seeing how easily I had erased that from his face.
The anger in my body soon gave way to regret and I was sobbing into my pillow before I even knew it. I heard knocking at my door but I ignored it and just continued to cry and eventually whoever it was – probably my mum – left. I couldn’t believe how much I had messed it up. I had screwed up the only good thing in my life. And now Will probably hated me so much he would never forgive me or take me back. Several hours later, my energy had run out and I stopped crying. However, I still felt like total shit.
I sat up and looked around my room. I looked at the painting of Will I had ripped in half the night before and tears came back to my eyes instantly. How could I have been such an idiot? I trust Will, I hate Max. Why would I believe Max over Will? I shook my head. I had felt so honoured to have Will, that it was easy for me to doubt he didn't feel the same way. I stood up, grabbed my jacket and then headed downstairs. "You alright, sweetie?" mum asked, emerging from the living room when she heard me coming down the stairs. I didn't bother answering her question.
"I'm going for a walk," I said monotone and left the house.
It was already dark outside and cold. It had been cold this February, colder than it had been for years. But I hardly felt the sting of the freezing air. I walked the few blocks to Will's house but I didn't have the guts to knock on the door and I knew he would ignore my calls as I had ignored his last night. Tears pooled in my eyes and I looked up at his window. The curtains were shut but I saw light escaping from the edges. I wanted to see him, talk to him. Tell him how sorry I am, but I couldn’t. I knew he wouldn’t forgive me, I wouldn’t forgive me. I was aware of the fact that Will must hate me and I hated myself even more. "I'm sorry," I whispered as I gazed at the window. I saw the curtains shake slightly and I quickly moved behind a wall so he wouldn’t see me, so he wouldn’t tell me to leave him alone. A millisecond later, Will appeared at the window, holding one curtain aside, and gazing out of the window as though looking for something. His face was alighted from behind him and tears on his cheeks glistened in the light. I saw how hurt he looked and hated myself for causing that. I saw him sigh, look down and then drop the curtain. "Goodbye, Will," I whispered and then turned and walked home.
As I walked, the cold wind carried some light drops of rain. I sighed and held my jacket tighter to my body. I wasn't keen on dying of hypothermia. If I was going to die, it would be from grief and regret.
I clenched my jaw against my own cries. I wasn't going to let him know I was still here. After 20 minutes I heard his cries dying down and I thought I was free from the pain in my chest. I frowned when I heard some strange noises. I was tempted to peak round the corner to see what he was doing but I didn't dare. I was afraid that it would hurt. After a short while a locker slam, a door opened and closed further down the corridor and I looked round the corner. I frowned when I saw a pile of rubbish on the floor in front of his locker. My heart thudded in my chest and I slowly walked over to his locker and crouched down. I felt the remains of my heart shatter completely when I realised what the shreds of paper were. His songs. I felt my breath hitch as I realised I had caused him this much pain. I lifted up the papers and saw something underneath them. I frowned and then picked up a splintered CD case. Inside, the disc was snapped and broken, unable to be listened to. However, I could make out what was written on the inside of the case.
"My Chad.
These songs I wrote for you
Show my feelings are true.
You're all I ever need.
You're all I ever want.
Yours forever,
Will. X"
I realised that tears were trickling down my cheeks and I sniffed and wiped at them. Oh, God, what have I done? What if Will hadn’t told anyone? What if Max had found out another way? "Oh, God," I whispered. What if I had just broken the heart of the only boy I love?
I went straight to the changing room where I knew "my team" were waiting for me and for my report on how I had crushed Will. I went straight through the door and they all looked up. "How'd it go?" Max asked, smiling – sneering – at me.
"Max, how did you find out?" I asked him and he stood up.
"Will told us," he shrugged and I grabbed the collar of his shirt so tightly I must have been reducing his oxygen flow slightly.
"Max, how did you find out!?" I asked again, shouting this time. I wanted the truth.
"Will-" he said and I raised my fist and hit him hard. "Shit!" he cried as I let go of him and he fell to the bench. I turned to face the rest of my team who were all watching, eyes wide.
"Tell me!" I shouted at them and they all took a small step backwards.
"Max found your file," Jake said softly and I turned to him and saw him looking somewhat regretful.
"What?" I asked and then realised. I knew something had been missing from my locker...I just hadn’t realised what it was.
"You file that was full of notes from Will," he continued and I turned back to Max, who now had blood trickling from his nose.
"What the fuck were you doing in my locker!?" I shouted at him and he shrugged.
"I was looking for your English notes," he said. "I picked up that file by mistake and all the notes fell out. While I was picked them up I read some of them and figured it out."
"You little..." I advanced on him again, but someone grabbed my arms and held me back. "Fuck you," I spat and then stormed out of the room and went to my car and drove home.
I walked through my door, still unbelievably angry. "Hey, shouldn’t you be at practise?" dad asked as I slammed the door and he came to see what was going on.
"Fuck off," I muttered and ran up the stairs, went into my room and slammed the door. I went and lay on my bed, still shaking with anger. Then I imagined Will's face as I pushed him forcefully against the lockers. I remembered seeing the flash of pain on his face and I hated myself. I remembered seeing his fear as I spoke. Then I remembered the joy he had right at the beginning when he saw me. I remembered seeing how easily I had erased that from his face.
The anger in my body soon gave way to regret and I was sobbing into my pillow before I even knew it. I heard knocking at my door but I ignored it and just continued to cry and eventually whoever it was – probably my mum – left. I couldn’t believe how much I had messed it up. I had screwed up the only good thing in my life. And now Will probably hated me so much he would never forgive me or take me back. Several hours later, my energy had run out and I stopped crying. However, I still felt like total shit.
I sat up and looked around my room. I looked at the painting of Will I had ripped in half the night before and tears came back to my eyes instantly. How could I have been such an idiot? I trust Will, I hate Max. Why would I believe Max over Will? I shook my head. I had felt so honoured to have Will, that it was easy for me to doubt he didn't feel the same way. I stood up, grabbed my jacket and then headed downstairs. "You alright, sweetie?" mum asked, emerging from the living room when she heard me coming down the stairs. I didn't bother answering her question.
"I'm going for a walk," I said monotone and left the house.
It was already dark outside and cold. It had been cold this February, colder than it had been for years. But I hardly felt the sting of the freezing air. I walked the few blocks to Will's house but I didn't have the guts to knock on the door and I knew he would ignore my calls as I had ignored his last night. Tears pooled in my eyes and I looked up at his window. The curtains were shut but I saw light escaping from the edges. I wanted to see him, talk to him. Tell him how sorry I am, but I couldn’t. I knew he wouldn’t forgive me, I wouldn’t forgive me. I was aware of the fact that Will must hate me and I hated myself even more. "I'm sorry," I whispered as I gazed at the window. I saw the curtains shake slightly and I quickly moved behind a wall so he wouldn’t see me, so he wouldn’t tell me to leave him alone. A millisecond later, Will appeared at the window, holding one curtain aside, and gazing out of the window as though looking for something. His face was alighted from behind him and tears on his cheeks glistened in the light. I saw how hurt he looked and hated myself for causing that. I saw him sigh, look down and then drop the curtain. "Goodbye, Will," I whispered and then turned and walked home.
As I walked, the cold wind carried some light drops of rain. I sighed and held my jacket tighter to my body. I wasn't keen on dying of hypothermia. If I was going to die, it would be from grief and regret.
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