Dazed and Abused

I’m not surprised to wake up to pain, my throat burning along with my tongue, my cheek. Everything burns now that I think about it, the more I began to feel as my eyes open. But I want them to close again, so I can feel everything, the feeling, just slip away. The pain becomes real, too real, and I realize what I’ve done to myself and to everyone else.

The lights are not as blinding as I half expected as I opened my dark eyes. I let myself gaze over the room, empty and cold, not counting the basic furniture and a machine beeping beside me. Was it really that bad?

I couldn’t see anything through the candle light as I pressed sharp objects against my skin, denying the the complex logic of how I lost my father. I just wanted everything to be normal, and it so happens that this was normal for me. Waking up in a hospital with every part of me aching, knowing I’ll find myself covered in scars when I can press myself to look in a mirror. I’m just waiting for their disappointed faces…and Jacob’s face.

A shaky sigh left my cold, chapped lips. Jacob.

It felt like hours, but only minutes, that I laid helpless in this hospital bed, to hurt to move, when the door opened and a stampede of people entered the room. It was Dr. Cullen’s face I saw first, his golden eyes boring into mine with that disappointment I was talking about earlier.

There’s Alice sticking close to Bella and Edward, who both looked extremely stressed and tired, Edward especially. There’s Rosalie, who was judging me with every shift of her eyes. Jasper wasn’t here, neither was Emmett…or Jacob.

I opened my lips to ask where he was, but it was only a croak that left my throat. I gave up, relaxing into the comfort of the bed.

“Elaine. I hope you realize the gratifying change your actions have caused…”

He was interrupted by Bella.

“Don’t Carlisle…she can’t handle it in this state.” Can’t handle what? That’s when my body tensed and I could feel my stomach churn with worry and anxiety.

“J-Jacob…” I managed to croak out through my dry through and my chapped lips. Carlisle’s head bowed in shame before he took a long sigh that he didn’t even need to release. Maybe for dramatizing the situation and making it more hell for me, as the suspense was killing me more then my throbbing heart. Jacob wasn’t anywhere near me.

“He’s significantly better then you, but I can’t say that it wasn’t your fault. We’re all very disappointed in you. I’m sure you know that. But this time you haven’t just harmed yourself to an incredible extent, but you’ve harmed Jacob, both physically and mentally, and you’ve harmed the hope of everyone here.” He took a pause before he continued.

“Your father was certain you had gotten better. That the needs to harm yourself were gone after what happened two years ago. But I see now that I should have followed on my instincts and not that of your father’s ignorance. It’s mostly my fault that I allowed your father the permission to let you loose in public, and now I see the damage that’s caused.”

I was filled with anger, a dripping venom that started from my toes and crawled its way through my heart and to my fists, where they clenched with an undeniable force that sent my nails digging through my skin. Edward, if your listen, tell your fucking father I hope you all rot in hell.

His eyes widened from the corner of my own, “Carlisle, please!”

I found the strength in my voice again after I coughed of a lung, Carlisle’s silence caused by Edwards minimal amount of pleading and the narrowing of my dark eyes.

“I…” I took a long breath in, “I fucking wish you guys would have just left me to die! I’m so sick and tired of being talked down to because I act on pure impulse and because you don’t know how it feels to loose both your parents in circumstances that leave you absolutely fucking baffled!” I screamed, my voice cracking and breaking a view. I’d surely be paying the price for that later, if Karma doesn’t kill me first.

“Would you settle down, Elaine?” Bella screamed, but I ignored her, pulling away the IV and unbinding the binds they strapped me in, tightly to the bed.

“Where do you think your going?” Carlisle asked me, he was obviously very much angered as I was. He’s never talked so rudely to anyone before. But I ignored the sting of regret in my heart and pressed on, knowing full well that they won’t try and stop me from getting my clothes and leaving them.

After strapping my buckle boots, an effort that took all my body strength from just merely crying, I called Billy’s house.

“Hello?”

“Billy? I’m so sorry…I…I know Jacob’s there. I need to see him.”

I need to mend things, and its now or never that I finally make peace with myself, my past.

“I’ll be there to pick you up, and I promise you I’ll leave the lecturing for Jacob.” I could hear the disappointment in his voice, and it still rang in my head as I hung up the phone on the receptionists desk, pulling my jacket close to me as I felt hot tears escape, probably smudging my left over eyeliner even more then it was already.

With a heavy heart I exited the hospital, knowing that Edward and the other’s were watching me with their dead faces scrunched up in puzzlement.

As I stepped into the light of the full moon, feeling the silvery spot light slither peace into me for the first time in who knows how long. I had ignored my folk magic for too long now, realizing that more now then ever I wished that was the direction I should have taken instead of my stupid, poor choice of judgment. For the second time in my life.

I knew that it would be a very long while before Billy’s big truck would be here to pick me up, so I decided to sit myself down on a bench not far from the hospital’s entrance. The air was chilly and crisp, as was the bench as my butt cheeks felt nearly frozen sitting down.

But I won’t let this build up inside of me.

The feelings of distraught too familiar for words that was trying to build an immense amount of pressure inside my chest, that if I cried and sobbed myself into self-pity would ease away. The night was filled with the sound of my choking sobs, that even the full moon could cure, though I knew the Goddess was watching with sorrow over me. Her silver and blue hands reaching out to hug me close where I felt entirely alone in the night, when my father would have done his best to make everything feel much better.