Dazed and Abused

“Father, Embry is making me go to that bonfire tonight…so I’ll be hiding in the bathroom…tell him I barfed my brains out and I won’t be able to go.” I spoke as I leaned against the hallway wall looking into the living room. My dad gave me a questioning look before nodding and turning the sound back on the t.v.

I left him to his Monday night football, walking sluggishly to the end of the hallway to the door next to my room. I opened it to decorations of kiddy fishes and the smell of the ocean, the bathroom window was open. Luckily for me the beach was just a couple yard from the edge of my dad’s lot, so I always had time…But Quil would look for me there had I told my dad I was running away for the night, plus the bonfire was on the beach, it would be pointless to try and hide there.

As I sat on the toilet after turning off the light, I took the small white candle from my pocket as well as the lighter and lit it, setting the candle down on the brass candle holder on the counter. I was feeling the need to cleanse myself once again, but I was over abusing my magick, and thus to calm myself I simply chanted;

“I am peaceful, I am strong
Though dark may seem so long.
For day must follow every night,
Everything is alright.
I am always safe from harm,
The Goddess holds me in her arms.”

I chanted until I felt myself calm and until I was certain that I would not step out of line tonight. I knew that I wasn’t going to slip out of going to the bonfire tonight, I wasn’t stupid, but putting it off was the best I could do, so preparing myself an hour ahead of time should keep my demons at bay. For the time being anyway, I wasn’t certain whether Jacob was going to be there, but after all, Billy was hosting.

Whatever Billy had to speak to me about didn’t seem all that important that he didn’t have me come over there to his house and explain it to me. But it was Billy Black I was rambling on about here, the man who works in strange yet obvious ways, obvious that afterwards you’d understand why he did what he did when it was done with.

I was hoping that would be the outcome tonight, that Embry would steal me away, we’d get through Billy’s story telling, and then finally I’d understand whatever they wanted me to. Then I’d go back to being bitter and useless and lonely. Where I was meant to stay.

I sat, watching the candle burn, for the remainder of the hour I had left before the clock in the hallway would strike eight and Embry would knock on my door. Unless he was late, like I remember him being. He was never good with time, surely we’d be thirty minutes late to the bonfire…once he got me out of the house at least, which shouldn’t take him long at all.

My weakness, I’m shorter then he is. 5’ 4’’ compared to what? 7 feet? No, he’s not that tall, but from my point of view I wouldn’t have guessed any other number, but he told me…I just forgot the number. Plus I am the weakest human being, weaker then a God damn baby, which wouldn’t surprise anyone, I’ve been laying around the house for two years.

But I wasn’t just laying around the house and happy about it, I was fragile, depressed, and aching everywhere. Plus I had a nasty habit of staying up late barfing my brains out, which no doubt is why my father spoke nothing after I said what I said. I was taking everything so lightly. It must be the spell.

Then there was a knock on the door that interrupted my peaceful thinking, peaceful in a sense that I wasn’t obscenely ranting on about how retarded everything in the world is. I had noticed the candle was about to burn out, and I realized it had been an hour.

“Elaine?” I’ve noticed the only time people use my name is when its in question, and its seriously starting to get old.

“Embry I seriously don’t want to go!”

“Well Your going whether you like it or not.” Then there was a click and the door busted open, with Jacob letting his leg rest by his other.

“What the fuck is he doing here?!” I screamed out, the calm that the spell had provided me disappeared like the smoke from the candle as it burnt out, the smoke rising but quickly disappearing as Jacob had walked past the counter and quickly grabbed me up bridal style.

“Be careful Jacob, she’s seriously going to hurt herself is she starts punching!” Embry yelled out as Jacob continued to carry me out through the hall, it was too late, I was crying out and beating his chest till I realized it was a brick fucking wall and my hand began to throb.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” Jacob growled as he set me inside his little car, “But we knew it would happen.”

“What the shit is going on?!” I screamed.

“Just calm down.”

“I’m not going to fucking calm down! I thought Embry was going to pick me up, not you!” I screamed loudly as Jacob pulled his car out onto the road, then shifting the gear and pushing on the gas.

“Because this is a serious fucking problem we’ve got here, and its too serious to be explained at some God damn family bonfire!” He shouted back, his arms tensing as well as his neck. I broke down after seeing the sideways glance he gave me, and it was so filled of an emotion too strong for me to handle.

“God, Elaine don’t cry.” He spoke softly, “I didn’t mean to yell…you just…overreact so damn bad…”

I felt a pull in my heart as he apologized, something I haven’t felt in a little more then two years ago. It was as if he had enchanted me, or was trying to get me to forgive him for everything I was putting the blame on him for. But I wasn’t going to give into him that easy, especially since the throbbing in my wrist was keeping me from thinking anything but the pain. I wince just thinking about it.

“You shouldn’t have punched me.” He scolded through gritted teeth, he was obviously very angry with me. But shit, I was fucking pissed at him.

“You shouldn’t have been there.”

“There’s a reason I was…" He gave me a quick glance before turning his eyes back to the road, “and its complicated…”

“Everything is complicated with you, Jacob. Shit, half the time I’m not sure I even knew who you were.” I growled after I spoke, crossing my arms carelessly as I sat back neatly in the seat. My wrist throbbed as if nothing else in the world could make me hurt as much, but I fought back by biting the inside of my cheek very hard.

“At least I’m not a…”

“If you plan on insulting me I swear to God Jacob I will castrate you.” I saw him gulp, but I kept my glare stern and evil, not letting the easy smirk try and slip by.

The ride was silent afterwards, only the headlights of (most likely) Embry’s and Quil’s car riding behind us seemed to penetrate some of the nervousness I was feeling. I was already tasting the blood as I’ve tried to chew through every strand of lining in my mouth to get to my skin. I couldn’t believe, that after two years, I’d be sitting next to him and seemingly so casual about it all on the inside while I was failing to control the break down just waiting to happen on the inside.

It was nearly an inky, sort of cynical black outside the car windows, that only the headlights could penetrate so far. I was worried a deer may just happen to run ahead, and I didn’t trust Jacob one bit that if it ended happening we’d get out in one piece. I’d loose a limb or too, hopefully he’d loose his head. I could live without my legs, not my arms however, but I would never be able to forgive him if he lived…

I wasn’t sure why I was even thinking about him dying, sure enough one part of me knew that I may feel guilty but I’d be better off without him, but another part was furious that I’d even fathom thinking thoughts like that. I wasn’t sure why either that I felt as if I should be totally ashamed of myself for believing that he’s to take the blame for everything, a crime that should be brought to justice.

Did he kill my mother?

**

“She’s going to find out about imprinting…”

“Jacob is telling her?”

“His father is, she won’t listen to him…but Quil was worried, they kidnapped her…and she’s in Jacob’s car..None of them are sure why he’s survived the entire drive…”

“Oh God…”

**

“Elaine, get out of the flipping car before I rip you out of there.” Jacob threatened, his lungs releasing a puff of angry air impulsively.

“You’d break your seat belt…”

“I don’t care…” He was refraining from cussing at me, what a good boy, I however, was planning on saying a lot if he was able to retrieve me from his vehicle.

“I’m sure you do, this can’t be that important…well maybe it is…”

“For a girl so troubled you easily know how to try and lighten the mood.” Jacob spoke, and I let a small smile escape the depths and onto my lips, but it came as quickly as it had come. “And for you information, it is very important.”

I looked Jacob dead in the eyes, something I never thought I’d have the courage to do, but what I saw was the outmost astounding thing in the world. Adoration and Annoyance in the same place and to me that seemed nearly impossible. But adoration of all things? I thought he loved that Bella chick, and surely he still should…she seemed a lot better of a human being then I could ever be.

“Please.” And once again I broke, not as badly as before, but enough that I unbuckled myself from the seat and kicked open the door. I followed Jacob up his porch steps and into the warm, small house. Billy was sitting there beside the couch in his wheel chair, a look of patience and wisdom, something I expected nothing else but, in his features.

“Welcome, Elaine.” I leaned against the wall, finding it impossible to try and relax in this tense atmosphere. Tell me they couldn’t feel it either? Jacob was nervous, I could see it in his eyes as well as the way he shuffled constantly trying to change something about his appearance. And Billy was holding on.

“What I’m about to tell you may surprise you, may anger, but whatever the case, until I’m done speaking you must remain calm.”

“Quit speaking to me like somebody died…” My voice trailed off, my smart-ass attitude disappearing after I had let that statement slide.

It was silent for a moment before Billy decided to continue on, “You know all the Quileute legends well, maybe too well…”

“Yes, my father doesn’t keep his mouth shut about them.”

“Their true.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me…” I rolled my eyes inconsiderately, that is until I saw Jacob’s glare. He wasn’t too happy about my reaction, but I wasn’t too keen about it either, its always regretful to be rude to Billy.

“What would you say if I told you my son, Quil, Embry, Sam, and many others are werewolves?”

I was speechless, keeping my mouth tightly closed from saying anything sarcastic in response. But I was beyond angry, furious to his words but he kept speaking…

“Most of them have imprinted…Jacob has…on you.”

I bit my lip and looked away towards the front door, my eyes filling to the brim with tears. I stood up from the wall and walked away, slamming the door shut as the night enclosed itself on me. Embry and Quil were sitting, waiting on the porch steps, and as they heard me shut the door they turned around.

But I jumped over the railing, running as fast as my short legs could into the forest. I didn’t know what I was doing, possibly killing myself unintentionally by forcing myself lost as I kept running. But as the trees slowly passed me repetitively I was waiting to hear the sounds of water overlapping and licking the rough sand of one of the beaches near-by. I wasn’t listening to their calls as they yelled my name for me to come back, and I expected them to catch up to me by now. None of them came.

**

“I told you she was going to run out like that!” Jacob yelled as he shut the front door after his father, who was gazing out into the forest they saw her run into. Quil stood but Embry stayed seated, looking down at his folded hands.

“We all knew that…”

“She’s not going to come back. No one is going to be able to find her!”

“Jacob, calm yourself down, we’ll get the others to search for her if her father doesn’t call by dawn.” Billy spoke softly, keeping his eyes on the forest instead of giving Jacob a stern look.

**

The stars swirled above my head and twinkled mockingly at the tears still sliding down my cheeks, and I collapsed to the ground as my lungs threatened to close in. End me. Please.

How could Billy do this to me? Does he not realized I prepared myself to hate Jacob for all he did to me, and now that I’m thinking about all the stories and legends my father use to tell me over and over again before bed or when we were just relaxing in the living room, but none of them seemed real at all. Legends, they were called that for a reason.

But would imprinting suggest Jacob’s behavior? No, he doesn’t seem abnormally and unconditionally in love with me in the slightest.

I turned from laying on my back to my hands and knees, crawling as I tried to breathe properly, this was killing me. I heard, finally, the gentle sound of the oceans hello calling out to me, the sun was seeping through the clouds and the trees in the most beautiful sunrise I’d ever seen. The sun was bleeding over the water, its fury like mine set the night into flames, burning them pink and orange.

Then I was mourning with tears coming in unbelievable vast amounts that rushed as if a dam had cracked, the concrete unable to hold the amounts of water it was pushing back. It was the second, maybe third time I’ve been able to feel anything but anger since the day I left home for public school. And just again, it was all Jacob Black’s fault. Could I stop blaming him? Really? Not until I was sure hell had frozen over in a thick blanket of ice or that, in some way, the world was able to prove to us there was no God.

As I was about to slide down the small hill to the beach when I heard sharp breathing and the snap of a twig in the underbrush of the forest floor. I turned around to see Sam Uley, Jacob to his left, Quil to his right, and Embry trying to get a good shot by jumping up and down on his feet…fucking weirdo.

“Elaine…” Sam whispered as he crouched down beside me, “You’ve got to come home now.”

“Leave me the fuck alone.” I slid down the hill, landing without elegance onto the brown wet sand. As I ran to the water I left behind the ugly gray tank top I had on and the capris I didn’t feel bothered leaving behind to reveal the black bikini I was wearing, and I jumped into the shallow ocean water. I knew someone was following me, because as I lifted my head for air I heard other’s jump in.

I went under, letting the water encase me and I kept swimming towards the bottom where the big drop was, seeing the light blue fade to a dark black. What would happen if I sank to the bottom?

But warm, tanned arms grabbed a hold of my waist, and despite my struggling whoever it was managed to pull me up to the surface. I was still squirming and I could feel their grasp loosen but tighten as soon as they realized.

“Your not leaving me again.” Jacob whispered hoarsely as he continued to pull us out of the water, and soon, like fish, we were laying on the beach with me struggling like I need water.

“She’s a fighter.” I heard Sam speak as they all joined us out of the water soon, Jacob still hadn’t let me go.

“That’s why I’m still alive.” I spoke curtly through my teeth as I dug my nails into Jacob’s arm, and successfully he winced and pulled back.

“Your the only girl who can actually break the skin.”

“Did she really?”

“Guys, she’s getting away!” I heard Embry scream last, along with their loud, big feet against the sand as I continued to book it down the lengthy beach. But soon I found myself in Jacob’s arms, without wondering how or why he seemed to find it so fucking amusing.

None the less I could feel his breath against my neck, as if he was trying to set fire to my skin without actually intending to do so. The coldness from the water seemed to go away as he hugged me close to his body, my back against his stomach. I didn’t bother trying to get away, because I could feel this time something that intrigued me, that same pull of my heart from before.

“Tell me she’s still clothed…” I heard somebody whisper, most likely Embry, and then a fist against cheek. Seeing as Jacob was blocking my view from seeing the others, having me face opposite the north side of the beach.

“Jacob, can you…freaking let me go.” I spoke as I closed my eyes and breathed deeply through my nose and out deeply through my mouth.

“Sure, as long as you don’t run away again…” His arms released me, and I turned around, gazing up (and it felt like I was trying to find the middle of the fucking sky) into his eyes that were a dark mixture of brown and black, then I felt myself loose the anger I’d been building for two years straight.