Skin and Bones

It’s been three hours. I’ve been lying awake for three hours. I can’t fall asleep. No matter how many times I close my eyes and clear my head, I can’t fall asleep.
No thoughts are rushing through my head. No unresolved feelings are nagging at me. At least I don’t think so.
Maybe my subconscious is keeping me up, because it needs answers.

I remove my hands from Gerard’s on my stomach and thread it through my hair in slight frustration. It’s Sunday tomorrow, but I don’t want to waste the entire day sleeping – that’s what nights are for.

“Frank?” Gerard whispers so soft that I barely hear it. I look over at him, and his eyes look like two tiny stars in the middle of a big, dark sky.
“You awake?” I turn onto my side and kiss his lips quickly as a response. Gerard’s hand caresses my side.
“I’m sorry about this morning.” I smile softly, but it feel bittersweet.

“Noon,” I whisper and shrug.

“Right.” I still can’t see anything, but by the crunching and ruffling of Gerard’s pillow, I’m guessing he’s nodding.
“I’m sorry for being such an asshole.” I lay my hand between us and caress his chest with my pinky.
“I just wanna forget it.” I look away from the stars that are his eyes and let his suggestion sink in. I keep caressing his chest, now with three fingers.
I look back into his eyes.

“I don’t think I can do that.” I hear Gerard sigh in the darkness.

Then, the room becomes silent. Neither of us move or make a sound aside from our raspy breaths. At first they’re a bit out of beat from each other, so I hold mine for a second to get into Gerard’s rhythm. We breathe in unison as the silence and darkness floods in the room.
A week ago, I would’ve found this situation to be uncomfortable and tense, but now it’s almost soothing. A week ago I would’ve been deafened by the silence and blinded by the darkness, but now it’s nothing but safe.
We can hide in the dark.

“I freaked out.” I stare at where Gerard’s star-eyes were before, but there’s only darkness.
“I kept screwing up the wash and I just freaked out.” I hear him sigh. It’s a heavy sigh – a guilty one.
I reach my hand forward and find him. I start rubbing the part of his body I’ve found. I don’t know which it is, but I do know it’s above the belt and that’s all that matters right now.

“But why?” I know there’s more to his story than just the washing machine.
The silence is stretched a bit – unseen in the dark.
I know there’s so much more he hasn’t told me. It’s like the air around him is heavy with secrets and hidden guilt, and I need to rid it of that so I can get as close to him as possible.
“Open up to me.” Gerard’s star-lit eyes suddenly appear out of the dark, and for a second I can’t help but think about Christmas.
“I want to know everything about you.” The stars disappear again.

“I had put the laundry in the machine and gotten the detergent. I was measuring the stuff up when I,” he stops after his voice has gone lower and lower.

I rub his body a bit firmer, but still very gentle.

“First I poured too much in, and when I wanted to get it out it went all over the machine. I tried using the cup, but that only send the powder flying all over the place. When I was about to put more in, I almost dropped the entire box into the machine.” His voice is trembling. He sniffles quickly.
“So I freaked. I started throwing the detergent all over. I didn’t care. I just couldn’t stop think-“ His voice breaks, but he doesn’t start back up – he doesn’t finish his sentence.

Suddenly his hand wraps around mine and he squeezes it tightly. I squeeze back.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. If it wasn’t for the dark, his quiet voice would’ve been swallowed on it’s way to my ear.

“For what?” He threads our fingers together loosely.

“I can’t do anything right. I mess everything up.” He sniffles, and I start feeling a burning pressure behind my eyeballs.
I’m about to deny his words.
“When I saw the white powder on the floor, I wanted to go back.” He’s crying. Each word from his lips is bathed in tears.
“I wanted it all back. I wanted to lie on the pavement downtown like I used to.” My first tear slides down my cheek, but I can’t bring myself to bother wiping it away. I tighten my grip on Gerard’s loose – almost lifeless – hand. He doesn’t respond.
“I pushed it away but-“ He stops and sniffles loudly.
“I started thinking about you.” He sobs – shaking all over. I swallow down my own sobs and hold his hand tighter.
“What I said to you. About you.” He whimpers.
“I’m sorry,” he sobs out his words. His pillow crunches and his sobs get muffled. I move towards him, let go of his hand and in instead wrap my arms around his shaking body. He doesn’t react.
I press my lips to his ear.

“It’s okay. I forgive you. It’s alright now.” Gerard shakes his head quickly and turns it. His eyes – my stars – reappear in the dark and glisten up at me.

“No. It’s not,” he says and shakes his head again. His lower lip glistens too, looking like a rebellious sea by the way it’s quivering so fast.
“No matter what you say, I’ll always be the one who broke you.”

The room goes dead silent. His eyes and lip are engulfed by the dark and we both hide away. My arms are still around him and I can still feel his legs against mine, but we’re hiding from each other.

We give each other time to think, but not the freedom to move. No muscles are moved or shifted. Our breaths can barely be heard.
It’s silent. It’s dark.

Gerard’s breath starts hitching – breaking apart at times. I still can’t see him. I want to.
I need to.
I need those stars to shine again.

“I broke myself.” I feel Gerard flinch when I break the silent, and I feel him tremble when I bring it back.