Tennessee

Ben was trailing kisses down my chest. His memorable hands whispered across my skin and I felt myself arch in anticipation. "Ben," his name escaped my lips in a gasp. His arms came on either side of me and his chest heaved above me as he bent down to kiss–

I woke up. My entire body was vibrating –with lust... and with shame. I clamped a hand over my mouth to keep the tears from erupting. I turned on my side and grabbed one of Paul's arms and wound it over me, instinctively he pulled me close to him and lazily peeked an eye open. The entire room was dark except from the blue light coming from the window where the city buzzed.

"Tenn," Paul whispered.

I found myself climbing on top of him, straddling his waist and leaning down to kiss him. He at first seemed surprised at my forwardness but then, he sat up a little, propping himself up on one elbow and his other hand was used to stroke my hair.

Within seconds, my dream began where it had left off, but with a different person and half the fire.



"Ben came by yesterday," Mary said when I had returned home from Paul's birthday weekend. And he did like the jacket I made for him.

I gulped.

"What are you doing with him, Tennessee?" Mary said angrily, emphasizing every word with spite.

"Nothing," I murmured, glancing at my black wedges.

"It better stay that way," Mary whispered.

I nodded quickly and shoved my way to my bedroom to get ready for work.



My Mary Jane pumps tapped the floor impatiently. Kenia and Charlie who were helping customers watched me. I was antsy, yes. I felt terrible. I wanted to see if Paul held me the way Ben did. I knew that was a sick thing to do. But I needed to do it. I had dulled the memories of Ben so much that I had forgotten how brilliant it was with him. But I realized that when things were good with Ben, they were really good. And when things were bad, they were really bad.

I couldn't factor in what I wanted. The phrase, 'My head wants something while my heart wants something different' came to mind and I bit my lip.

Soon, my lunch hour arrived and I waved goodbye to the staff as I walked out, eyes on my feet and lugging my huge leather purse on my shoulder. I nearly gasped when I saw Ben waiting outside for me.

"Ben, go away," I said and turned to walk the other way.

"Tenny, I'm not here to cause you problems," Ben said, following me and reaching for my hand.

I hesitated and glanced around. Ben pulled my hand and led me behind a building, out of sight.

"I went to apologize yesterday and Mary told me you... were spending the weekend at Paul's." His eyes hardened as he said this and I felt crimson edge around my cheeks.

"Yes," I said defiantly.

Ben's perfect, olive toned face glinted with anger as he looked at my angrily set lips and glare.

"Tenny, stop. You know this isn't right!" Ben said.

"What I did with you wasn't right!" I cried, "Paul is my boyfriend and I love him!"
Ben winced at my words.

"Tenny, you can't do that, you think you're trying to help everyone and make people happy, but you're only fucking everything up," he said, raising his hands to shake in front of me.

"You don't know anything about my life."

"I know that if you fuck me and then you fuck Pau-"

"Shut up! I can do whatever I want with Paul because that is what people in love do."

"You can do whatever you want with Paul? No, you can't. You're only gonna ruin him, so why are you trying to stay with him, Tenny? Why the hell are you holding out?" he roared.

"Because I don't trust you!" I shrieked.

Ben's face looked shocked for a long second and I felt myself wither. Suddenly resignation changed his features and he muttered, "I guess I deserved that one."

"Ben, you can't imagine how much I'd like to drop everything and start again. But my whole life is this. If I break up with Paul, I won't know who I am anymore." The last sentence came out as a whimper.

"Tennessee, you know who you are, I can show you," he whispered and I felt my knees tremble

He pushed me against the wall, his arms leaning against the brick on either side of me. I could feel his hot breath touch my lips but I turned my cheek at the last moment. Ben groaned against my skin.

"I'll wait," was the last thing he said before he walked away and back to the streets.