This Time, I Mean It

“I’m so sorry Bob,” I said but hated having to say it to him, I was desperate to see him, I just wanted to be with him.

“Hey Liz, its OK, I know that Kitty is going through a tough time at the moment and…well…we all really thought that her and Gerard would have got back together.” He said.

“Me too and in fact I still think they should be together, I don’t understand it.” I said and I couldn’t understand their reasoning behind it all.

“Listen Liz, someone’s calling me. We’re filming our video for the Black Parade and Eliza said that they’re ready for us. They’re just starting.” Bob said.

“Eliza?” I said. What the fuck was she doing there, both Kitty and I hated her, she was a weird one, something wasn’t quite right about her but neither of us couldn’t put our finger on what it was. She’d always wanted Gerard and now she was there, in California with them. I just hoped that Gerard hadn’t been a fool and had got with her. No, he couldn’t have, not him and Eliza, he wouldn’t be that stupid.

“Yeah, she’s been hanging out with us for some time, she’s been doing stuff to our hair, you know what she’s like.” He said sounding as though she was getting on his nerves a little.

“Yeah I think I know what you mean and…I really want to come out Bob, I hope it’ll be very soon. You do understand don’t you?” I said but worried that what I’d just said had sounded desperate.

“Of course I understand Liz, don’t be silly. I can’t wait to see you either but I really have to go. Take care and speak to you soon.” He said.

“Yeah, bye Bob,” I said and then he was gone and I felt empty. I wanted him and wanted to be with him.

**

I knew it was the fact that she hadn’t heard from Gerard that was eating away at her and I was worried that it was making her ill. She was so quiet, distant but kept on with her painting, god knows what she’d be like if she didn’t have her painting. I dreaded to think.

The next day she was up when I got into the gallery and this sort of shocked me, for a few days now I’d had to wake her up and rouse her from her bedroom just to get her started. She didn’t look any better but I had this feeling she was trying hard.

I’d been in the gallery for a couple of hours, the shop had been quiet so I decided to make a coffee for Kitty and I, as I placed it on the table beside where she was painting she spoke.

“Liz you really didn’t have to stay here you know, I know how much you were looking forward to going to LA to visit Bob.”.

“Kitty for the one hundred millionth time, its fine, really and you need someone to help you out, you can’t do this all on your own, not at the moment, I don’t think you’re up to it.”

”I don’t want to stop you from seeing Bob, I’ve been trying to think of someone to help me out but I don’t know of anyone.” She said reaching for her coffee.

“I have an idea who could help you out,” I said, suddenly remembering.

“Oh. Who?” she said looking at me over her mug of coffee, her eyes were bright but she had grey shadows under them, her face sallow.

“Jerry, the student.” I said, suddenly getting enthusiastic about this, this could work, Jerry was perfect.

“Jerry?” She queried.

“Yeah the guy that you did the exhibition for, he’s looking for some work and I think it would be ideal, he could also do a little bit of painting in your studio if you’d let him. Have a think about it. He’s available to start in a couple of weeks, once he’s settled then I can go and visit Bob.”

“I’ll think about it,” said Kitty placing the coffee mug on the table but I could tell she was quite interested, she’d been impressed with Jerry, it would suit them both. It was such a shame that all this was happening to her lately, she had been doing so well in the gallery, everything was working out just right but then Gerard had come back into her life and had left it again at the drop of a hat. Dan was paralysed and Kitty was doing the dutiful thing of visiting him every day even though she didn’t want to and now I was going to be leaving her too. I did feel for her.

“You must try and eat more,” I said to her noticing how she’d lost some weight, not looking after herself.

“I know but I just don’t seem to have an appetite just lately,” she said, turning back to her painting.

“Try and eat, you don’t want to get ill do you and are you going to the hospital today?” I asked.

“Yes, but I think I’ll go earlier than usual, around 3pm. You’ll be OK for those couple of hours won’t you?” She asked me.

“Of course, I’ll be fine and don’t you hurry back, I can stay as long as you need me tonight.” I said. I had nothing to get home for after all.

**

I couldn’t wait to tell Kitty who had been in the gallery, she was going to just love this. I tried her phone but it went onto voicemail. I decided to leave it, Kitty was obviously driving her car and couldn’t answer.

She was going to love it.

A minute or so later the gallery phone rang.

“Good afternoon, K’s Gallery,” I said.

“Liz it’s me, everything OK?” Kitty said, she’d obviously realised that I’d called.

“Everything’s fine but we’ve had a visitor and you’re not going to believe who.” I said excitedly.

“Tell me,” said Kitty.

“It was a woman,” I said cradling the phone under my chin.

“Who for god sake Liz? I’m not in a mood for guessing games.”

“It was Adrienne Armstrong, she was in earlier looking at your paintings. She said she’d like whoever painted the oriental picture to do something similar for her husband, Billie. It’s their anniversary in three months and she’d very much like to get you to paint something as a present for him.”

“You’re kidding?”

“Nope.” I said.

“I’ll be back shortly and you can tell me more.”

I couldn’t wait to tell her.

**

“Are you definitely sure it was Adrienne Armstrong?” Was the first thing she said as she entered the gallery.

“Of course it was, I’d know her anywhere,” I said, causing me to blush.

“Of course you would, you tried to imitate her style for years. Remember that time you had dreads put in but they came out wrong, you made me cut them out and your hair wasn’t the same for months.”

”I remember,” I said. “Anyway she came in and I surprised myself by how calm I was, but all the time I was wondering if Green Day were with her, may be hoping that Tre would pop in at any minute but no, she was having a shopping weekend in the City with a girl friend and said she’d passed by here a few times as she liked the work that was in the window.”

“So she liked my lily picture,” She said.

“Yes, then she came and saw the oriental painting and she stood there for ages just staring at it.”

“So…it’s their anniversary, my god they must have been married for years now,” Kitty said.

“Well you should know, you’ve read every book and article about Green Day,” I said to her, knowing that she was a huge fan. “Do you still have that little thing for Billie?” I asked her raising my eyebrows as I looked over.

“Well…not really, he’s still great looking, still the best lead singer and front man ever,” She said obviously reminiscing to her old Green Day days.

“Apart from Gerard,” I said.

“Yeah, well, him too I suppose.” Hey, when you’ve locked up, come and tell me about what she’s like in real life?” She said heading off to the back room, “and I’ll get us a coffee.”

”Yeah, why not,” I said then wandered over to the front door of the gallery to close up.”

The phone rang, shrill in the gallery silence. I didn’t want to answer it hoping that it wasn’t going to be a customer with lots of questions. I had a headache coming and just wanted to get home to bed.

**

She was just getting the milk from the fridge when I entered the room.

“She’s more beautiful in real life than her photos you know, her skin is so perfect, I’d love to know what she uses on it,” I said sitting down at the table. I noticed that Kitty looked a little forlorn. She turned to me.

“Are you OK Liz?” She asked me.

“I…I just heard from Bob before you came in, we talked for ages, I know its work time and all but we didn’t have any customers,” I said looking up at her apologetically.

“Liz, you can take as many phone calls as you want, you know that but when a customer comes in, they come first, you know I don’t mind.” She said putting a mug down in front of her. “Is Bob OK?” She said sitting down at the chair opposite me.

”He’s fine, they’re all tired as they’ve just completed their video shoot for the first song off the new album. They’re starting their tour next week.”

“It’s going to be great for them, they’re going to be so busy.” She said.

“I can’t wait to see him again,” I said.

Of course she couldn’t thought Kitty. She was in love with Bob, their relationship was new and fun and fresh. She remembered those times when all you could think of was that one special person, you woke up every morning and thought about them, thought about them whatever you were doing, everything reminded you of them. You lived and breathed them.

“Of course you can’t wait to see him. Listen, I’ve been thinking, how about you get this Jerry guy round here, let me talk to him, if he can start straight away then you can go off to see Bob sooner than you thought.”

“You don’t mind?” I said grabbing my mug and wrapping my hands around it, my headache subsiding a little.

”Of course I don’t but I’m so going to miss you, you know. Go for it baby, go and be with your Bob, but you’d better not lose touch with me,” She said but I could see a slight look of fear sweep over her. I knew her as well as Gerard did, we’d been friends for years and leant on each other and I felt like I was abandoning her at this time, I felt guilty.

“Don’t be so stupid, I’ll probably be on the phone to you every night. I think I love him Kitty.” I said, blushing. I’d done a lot of this blushing thing lately.

“I think you do too so you need to be with him. So, when did Adrienne Armstrong say she was coming back in?”

“Tomorrow. Its her last day here before she flies home.”

“Any idea what time?” She asked me looking so excited about this whole situation.

“First thing in the morning she said, so, you’d better make the effort and get your goddam ass out of that bed in the morning, you’re going to have to set your alarm you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” She said.

“How was Dan?” I asked but hating having to ask her.

“Better today, he was a little more lively, he’s progressed well and they said in about three weeks he can come out.”

“So he’s definitely going to his mothers?” I asked.

“Yeah, there isn’t anywhere else really and that unfortunately means when I go and see him, I’ll be seeing the Dragon too.”

“What a thought!” I said. “I’m glad you’re not staying with him just because he’s unable to walk, that would be the worse thing for you to do, its different if you loved him, I think you’re doing the right thing by telling him that you don’t plan on staying with him.”

“Its hard, when I see him I feel so guilty. I cheated on him by sleeping with Gerard.”

“I know but…your relationship with Dan was way over anyway, he’ll never find out now Kitty, who knows about what happened? Just you, me and Gerard, that’s all.”

“You’re right. Once he’s settled at his mothers I shall tell him.”

“Good, then you can start getting a life.”

But she didn’t look happy after I’d said that, I think she’d always thought her life was with Gerard, like we’d all thought.

That night I called Bob up, we spoke for hours and I told him that I’d be out soon, he sounded as excited as I felt.

When I finished speaking to him I picked up a pile of magazines that were on my bed, one of them was a Bride’s magazine, something I’d always been fixated with. I loved buying bride’s magazines and just skimming through them, looking at all the dresses but now, it looked as though part of my dream wasn’t going to be happening.

Bob had told me he wasn’t the marrying kind.

I wondered if I could change his mind.