This Time, I Mean It

I arrived at the venue that the guys were playing at and it was a boiling hot day. I was glad to get out of the taxi but all seemed quiet around where the tour buses were. Where was everybody? I paid the driver, got my holdall from out the car and watched him drive off.

“Hey Liz,” I heard. It was Ray, his huge mop of curly dark hair all over his face, his grin wide and welcoming.

“Hi Ray,” I said going to him and giving him a peck on the cheek. I liked Ray, he was so friendly and chatty and always asked me stuff about myself. For some reason I’d convinced myself that he had an eye for Kitty, poor Ray, he wouldn’t stand a chance, she was totally and utterly in love with Gerard.

“Listen Liz, I’m sorry about…you know,” he said almost shyly and not knowing what to say.

”Thanks Ray but you know, the more I think of it, I’m glad it’s happened. My parents are still upset though. They liked the guy, good teacher stock and all that.” I said picking up my bag and heading over to the bus.

“I’ll take your bag,” said Ray taking it from me and the memory of Bob lifting up my bag so easily the last time I stayed with them came to my mind. Could he lift me up so easily?

“Where is everyone?” I asked stepping up into the bus; it was deathly quiet in there.

“Frank, Jamia, Alicia and Mikey are out shopping and…Gerard and Kitty are….well they crashed out in Bert’s bus last night. They’re probably still there.” He said putting my bag into the spare bunk.

Bert. Bert. That was the name of the guy that had given them the drugs. Oh Kitty, what are you doing?

“That’s not like them, they usually like their own bunk,” I said to Ray.

“Yeah, its not like them at all and.,” but he didn’t finish.

“And what?” I said turning to him. He looked concerned about something.

“We’re all worried about them. Gerard has been drinking far too much just recently, there’s so much going on at the moment, they’re filming our DVD and some guy was filming Gerard the other day, he was filming him throwing up after he’d had too much to drink.” He said.

“Shit,” I said. I’d have to have a talk with Kitty; I didn’t like the sound of this at all. “Hasn’t Kitty talked to him about it? Has anyone?” I said.

“Kitty’s just the same, she’s drunk most nights too, you know what they’re like, they’re hardly apart.”

“Ray the last time I came over Kitty mentioned this Bert guy, she told me….shit I don’t know if I should say it or not.” I said.

“They’ve been getting drugs from him,” said Ray, “ is that what she told you? Kitty’s been buying it with all her money that her father left her and Bert’s been providing the stuff for them. I don’t like the guy but Gerard does, he can’t see much bad in anyone at the moment. We don’t know what to do; we’re worried about them. All of us are.” He said and he looked genuinely worried.

“Hasn’t Mikey said anything to Gerard?” I said following Ray out into the kitchen area.

“He has but Gerard doesn’t seem to listen, he’s either, stoned or drunk, asleep or just walking about with Kitty. They’re not listening to any of us.” He said. “I think we are hoping that you could may be talk to them, after all you have known them the longest.” He said hopefully.

“I don’t know, what good can I do if you’ve all tried?” I said slumping down on the sofa. Ray got a couple of bottles of diet coke out of the fridge and passed one to me. “Thanks.”

“And tomorrow Alicia’s friend Eliza is coming over, she couldn’t make it the other time, it’s going to be way crowded in here, but she’s bunking down on the sofa.”

“Oh, right,” I said but my mind was with Kitty and Gerard. The only vice Gerard had was smoking. Then when we were old enough we obviously had alcohol but no more than the next person. What the fuck had happened here? What were they playing at?

“Where’s Bob?” I suddenly asked, remembering that Ray hadn’t told me where Bob was, suddenly I wanted to know.

“He was with me, we were doing a sound check for tonight, he should be here in a minute,” said Ray but I’m going to get some sleep, we’re all tired, we were up half the night talking about Kitty and Gerard he said, then went off to his bunk and shut the curtains.

**

I didn’t hear him come in, I don’t know why; I was probably wrapped up in my own thoughts, thinking of Gerard and Kitty and what I’d say to them. When I looked up and he was there, standing in front of me, looking at me and smiling a small smile.

“Can I get you that coffee now?” he said.

“Hey, where did you appear from?” I said. “I must have been daydreaming just now.”

“You must have been. I said hello to you twice,” he said then laughged. “I thought you were ignoring me.” He said turning to switch on the kettle.

”I’d never do that,” I said, and then blushed, thank goodness he had his back to me. I must have been beetroot red.

“Milk and Sugar?” He asked, his voice deep and sensual.

Stop it for god sake, he’s making you a coffee and asking if you take milk and sugar, not asking if you want to take your clothes off and get into bed with him. Shame.

“Just milk please,” I said, my heart pounding thinking about me lying naked with Bob, he too naked. I needed some air, and quick.

“I’m…just going to step outside for a moment,” I said then rushed off. What the fuck must he think of me? I had to stop this. I was 24 years old after all, not 14.

I was standing outside the bus, just along from the door when he came up behind me, he towered over me and he was holding a steaming mug of coffee out for me to take.

”Thanks,” I said unable to meet his eye, as though my dirty thoughts about him were written on my forehead for him to read.

“Are you OK Liz?” He said and I knew what he meant, he was asking me about the cancelled wedding.

”I’m fine about it Bob, thanks for asking,” I said as I bravely looked up at him. I wanted to touch his sandy beard, just run my fingertips along it.

“As long as you’re OK about it, that’s fine,” he said.

“It was kind of a mutual decision,” I said.

“Don’t know why anyone would dream of getting married myself,” he said taking a drink from his mug of coffee.

“So you don’t believe in getting married?” I asked him.

“Nope. Can’t see me ever getting married, can’t see the point really.” He said.

“What about if you met someone special?” I asked.

He just shrugged then turned away; I noticed that someone had caught his eye. It was Gerard and Kitty and they looked dreadful. I’d never seen Kitty look so bad. They were walking towards us, arms around each other as usual but they looked ill. Gerard was swaying slightly and Kitty was hanging on to him and giggling stupidly. Her blond hair was hanging down in a tangled mess and Gerard’s hair was limp and greasy. They were out of their heads.

“Look at the state of them,” said Bob. “Something has to be done, they’ll kill themselves.”

“Yeah, but what can we do?” said Liz. “I’m scared Bob, how can we make them see sense?” I said watching my oldest friends saunter towards me. I didn’t want to speak to them, they were frightening me and Bob sensed this.

He put his arm around my shoulder and I felt protected straight away. “Hey, don’t be frightened, if anyone can help them it’ll be us.” He said.

I knew he was right but I was scared for them too, this was going to be difficult. I looked up at Bob who was staring at Kitty and Gerard.

It would be difficult but as long as you’re here going through it with me I thought, it would be so much easier.