Leaving My Fingerprints

“Morning guys,” Maxie came into the kitchen where everyone already was eating breakfast. I had just finished and stood up.

“Ready to go?” I asked as I went to the sink to put my plate in.

I nodded, grabbing a piece of toast from Kevin’s plate. Today was August 1, the day Nick and I spent together every year, just us. It was Nick and Maxie Day. I had two weeks before I went home, so it was kind of a last chance to hang out alone kind of thing too.

“How are you feeling this morning?” Joe asked.

“Fine,” I threw him a look. I had been having more and more dizzy spells and symptoms as two months passed. I was now covered in bruises, though luckily I could cover them from Nick, who still did not know. Joe, on the other hand, was the only one who knew that I had been getting worse. But a while ago, I had already decided I was not going to let this bring me down. I had a few months left, and I would be damned if I let it define me.

Nick walked back over to the table and kissed Emma’s cheek. Two months and they were doing great. I felt sick every time I looked at them, but each time, I forced myself to remember that it was necessary, it was good that they were together. “See you tonight,” he promised.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Joe asked.

“We’re sure,” Nick rolled his eyes. “I have my license too.”

“Yeah but are you positive?” he asked again.

“Yup,” I grinned. Nick and Maxie day, the day I lived for.

“Absolutely positively completely sure?” Joe asked again.

“Joe, you can’t come,” Nick said.

Joe crossed his arms and pouted. “You guys are mean.”

We grinned. “And don’t you forget it. See you guys later.”

We walked out, and got into Nick’s car. I hadn’t actually been driving with Nick yet, but I had heard enough stories. “Maybe I should drive,” I suggested.

“Chill Maxie,” he laughed. “I got it.”

“Okay,” I said, leaning back in the seat and sighing as I put my feet up and put my hand out the window, feeling the wind touching my skin soothingly. I smiled. “Where are we going?”

“I was thinking we’d go to this carnival near the lake and then walk along the boardwalk there or something,” he said.

“We should go rock climbing,” I announced.

He laughed at my outburst. “Aren’t you afraid of heights?”

I shrugged. “I’m over it,” I said.

“You’ve been over a lot of things this summer,” he said quietly.

I looked at him. I was over all my fears and things holding me back from having fun and trying new things. I had a few months left and I was going to do whatever I could to make my last summer memorable. I wasn’t going to let fear hold me back from living. “I’m just trying to experience different things,” I said.

“All at once?” he smiled, looking at me from the corner of his eye as he kept his focus on the road. “You’ll have other summers, you know?”

“Right,” I said quietly, turning to look out the window. I sighed. Other summers? I wouldn’t have other months. There was no room for fear, no room for hesitation. There was no time to be held back and put it off for another day. Nick pulled into the carnival parking lot. “I bet I can eat more funnel cake than you,” I grinned as we started walking.

“You have no idea who you’re talking to,” he smirked.

“And who might you be?” I asked.

“I am the undefeated champion at eating funnel cake,” he posed. “Conqueror of even Joe.”

“Woah, you beat Joe?” I asked, astonished.

He grinned. “Scared now?”

I rolled my eyes. “As if. Let’s go.”

---

“I’m still so full,” Nick groaned as he leaned against the railing. It was started to get dark as the sun was setting, and we were walking along the boardwalk now.

I smirked, leaning on the railing next to him as we looked out to where the sun was setting. “You shouldn’t have questioned my awesomeness,” I told him. “Joe isn’t scared of having an eating contest against me for nothing.”

“Remind me to never do that again,” he sighed, shaking his head.

“Chicken,” I smirked. I sighed, letting the warm Texas air blow gently against my face as I closed my eyes. The past two months had been so much fun. I had done so much, lived so much. I was finally able to break out of my shell and do the things I had always wanted, well almost all the things. I knew I still couldn’t tell Nick how I felt about him, though I knew the time was drawing nearer to tell him my other secret.

“You’ve really surprised me,” Nick said quietly.

I looked at him, confused. “How so?”

“You’ve always been so – energetic,” he smiled, bumping into me slightly. “But the last two months – I’ve never seen you like that. It’s so different. Fun, don’t get me wrong. But it’s like – you’re rushing or something.”

I didn’t say anything. I was rushing. I was trying to get 80 years of life experiences into two months. I thought I had done pretty well.

“I don’t know which Maxie I like better,” he admitted quietly.

I looked out beyond us. “They’re both still me.”

He sighed, and shook his head. “No, they’re not. They’re two totally different people. You’re two totally different people.”

“I’m not bipolar or have split personalities Nicholas,” I rolled my eyes.

“I know,” he said quietly. “It’s just—“ he sighed. “Never mind.”

I decided to drop it. I knew he was confused as to why I was acting like this. He didn’t understand because he didn’t know why. I knew this was so unlike me, the way I had been acting. But that’s who I wanted to me, not me. “So you and Emma are getting pretty serious,” I said quietly.

Nick smiled slightly before sighing. “It’s not too fast, if that’s what you’re going to say,” he said. “It’s not like Miley.”

“I know,” I said. “Emma is thankfully nothing like Miley.”

He smiled, thinking of Emma. “So you’re glad I’m with her?”

I nodded slowly. “Do you – love her?”

He sighed. “I don’t know, maybe.”

I didn’t say anything, my heart falling. This was what I wanted, I reminded myself. I wanted someone to be there to comfort him when I was gone. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and putting my arms out to each side as far as they went. “Did you ever think about what it would be like to be a bird and just fly away? Leaving all your troubles behind, and just – leaving?”

He looked at me, staying quiet a long time. I knew he was probably wondering what my troubles were. “Do you have troubles?” he asked.

“You know what I mean,” I rolled my eyes, looking away. “I mean the world, this life, all of it, just taking off without a care in the world.”

He didn’t answer me, though his face was contemplative.

I decided I didn’t want to have cares anymore. I didn’t want to care. I had done so much in the last two months, I had finally lived. I was finally ready. “Nick?” I said quietly.

He looked at me. “Yeah?”

“Do you really want to know what my troubles are? Why I would want to leave?” I asked, my voice still low. This was it. It was finally time.

He nodded. “Of course. You can tell me anything, remember?”

I sighed. “Nick, I’m – dying.”

He didn’t say anything, just staring at me, shock registering as it started to sink in.

“I have leukemia. I’m dying,” I said again.

“How long?” he asked slowly, anger brimming in his tone.

“Nick—“

“How long?” he asked again.

I looked down, feeling smaller than I had ever felt before. “A few months.”

He didn’t say anything at first, his breathing slow and deliberate. I winced, preparing myself for the blow.