I'm Just A Kid

When I looked into his eyes, it was like they were begging to be told what was wrong with me.
I still wasn't sure if I could trust him enough, I barely knew him, and I had a feeling he thought he knew me better then he really did.
He continued to look at me while I looked down at my lap, he still held my hands, rubbing them with his thumb.
I found comfort in him, which turned into the feeling of trust.

I had almost forgot to answer his question.
“I'm not sure.” I said as I took my hands from him and wiped the tears from my eyes. I wasn't sure what else to say, I did want to talk about it, I just wasn't sure if I should talk about it with him.
I didn't want to say something like, “I don't wanna talk about it with you.” Because then he might take it personally, or something to that affect.

I had only known him for 1 day.

I told myself to calm down and quit crying. I took a deep breath and looked back up at him. “I should go home.” I told him, even though I knew I was more comfortable with him.
The look that appeared on his face looked somewhat like shock, but also concern at the same time.
I was waiting for him to tell me to stay, but I wasn't sure if it would ever come.
“You can stay here.” was all he said.
...
I looked into his eyes; he literally took my breath away.
I felt the need to be comforted, be cared for. I knew if I went home, I wouldn't get those feelings.
I wiped my eyes again, and took another deep breath. “I can't do Math right now.” I told him as I closed my book after taking the papers and shoving them in.
“That's fine with me.” he said gently.
I took my Math book and shoved it back into my bag, wondering what would happen next.
I kept wondering wither I should tell him about Father or not, I wasn't even sure if I could say the things out loud.
It felt like my throat was closing up, my heart beat faster. Again, I told myself to calm down.
I felt him take my hand, “Come with me.” he said. His voice was inviting.
He led me outside; to the back of the house

There was only one tree behind his house, and he was walking towards it.
“This,” he said, “This, is my thinking spot.”
We both stood in front of the tree; still holding hands... not that I minded.
“It's a perfect spot.” I told him quietly, almost like a mumble.
It was shady, yet a spot of sun was shining on the front of the tree. It was grassy, with a little bit of dirt close to the edges. Branches weren't in hands reach, but I bet anyone could reach one if they really tried.
I turned my head to look at him. The ray of sun was hitting the side of his face, and making a shadow on the tree of the two of us together.
He's like an Angel.

“I've only been here a day... but I know this is already going to be where I spend most of my time.” he said without looking at me.
I nodded.
“Wanna sit down?” he asked. “Sure.” I replied quietly.
He still held my hand as I followed behind him. He took a seat and leaned by the tree, I sat by him to his left.
I took my hand from his and placed it in my own lap, then wiped off my pants.
I leaned my head back against the tree, taking in the sun.
I started to hear the faint noise of a siren, that happened a lot when I was sleeping. They always drove by behind my house on the highway.
I could tell it was closer, louder, then usual. I moved my head off of the tree, and looked at Jordan. “You hear that?” I asked. “The Siren?” he responded. It was much too loud to be on the back highway. “Yeah.” I told him as I stood up. Just as I did an ambulance went by up the road, not turning to go down his street. There must have been a police car close behind.

The only other houses that way were mine and Grandma's.

“Ohmygod.” I whispered. I quickly placed out my hand for him to grab it; I helped him up. “We have to go see,” I told him as he got his balance, “There's no other houses that way but mine and my Grandmother's.”
He looked worried, I'm sure I did also. He quickly grabbed my hand and ran back towards his house. He opened the door, “Mom. I gotta go!” he yelled and quickly turned back around, not waiting for any response.
I ran behind him, trying to keep up.
I tried not to think about what might have happened. It could've been Father, maybe he didn't leave right after he dropped me off?
I was most worried about Grandma... she's really all I had.
My thoughts ran wild.
Jordan turned, and I realized we were at the bottom of mine, and my Grandmother's driveway. I looked up and saw the ambulance in front of her house. I looked behind us and saw the police car, Jordan and I quickly got out of the way.
“No!” I cried. I felt tears fall, and I started to sink to the ground, but Jordan held me up. “Come on,” he said, “Let's go.”
I tried to breath, but I was crying too hard. I wanted to run up the driveway, but my knees would barely let me walk.
I was only thinking about all of the bad things that were could've happened, I wasn't thinking that it could've only been a simple thing, and no one got hurt.
No one came out of her house while we were walking closer.

Dear god,
Please, please let her be alright. I need her. Don't let her die. She's all I have.

We were in her driveway; I could hear yelling inside.
I jumped the stairs all at once, and opened her door.
I ran to the kitchen area, I could see the medic's there in her living room, kneeling to the ground, moving frantically.
“Grandma!” I yelled. Suddenly everyone jumped a little and looked at me, but immediately went back to what they were doing. I saw my Mother, she was thrashing around while being held by a police man.
I stared at her.
Only if looks could kill.
She held a knife in her hand, and had blood up her arms, I could feel tears coming to my eyes as I watched her.
“You. Bitch. What did you do!” I yelled at her. She looked at me and dropped the knife while she still tried to get free.
I started running towards her, wanting so badly to slap her across the face. Someone held me back by my arms, I kept pulling harder, “What did you do!” I yelled at her again, as tears ran down my face.

There she was, my Grandmother... on the ground. I could barely see her, the medics were in the way, I wasn't sure if she was moving or not.

More medics came through her door and ran to her.
I kept thrashing to get free, but eventually gave up. The medics were still in a rush, but I had a feeling they couldn't do anything to help anymore.
The man in front of her, the one who was in the way of me seeing my best friend, shook his head. “She's gone.” he said.
I took a quick step towards them, but was grabbed again. I looked back to see Jordan. “Let me go.” I told him. I wasn't sure how he felt. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to be let go or not.
The police man holding my Mother tried to move her away, get her out of the house, but my Mother kept thrashing.
“Get them out of here.” someone said, but I wasn't sure who. “No.” I yelled immediately, “I'm not leaving.” I said.
Another police man grabbed my Mother and they dragged her out of the house. Jordan held me tighter as she walked by me. I didn't look at her as they dragged her outside. I just couldn't bare it.
There was a silence. I didn't know how to act... my Grandmother was dead. Right in front of me. There was nothing I could do.

I bit down on my lip real hard, and closed my eyes. Jordan slowly released his grip from my arms, and I quickly walked towards my Grandmother.
I knelt down by the medic and just looked at her. She had done nothing wrong, but yet there she was, lying there dead.
There was blood on her nightgown, some was running from her mouth. I wiped my tears and rubbed my hands on my pants. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
It was too hard seeing her like this.
I felt a hand on my back, it startled me and I opened my eyes.
The medic was looking at me sadly, “I'm so sorry.” he said. I nodded, “So am I.”
I slowly reached for her face, her loving face that I had seen smile so many times. I removed her glasses and kissed her forehead.
“I love you so much Grandma.”
I opened my eyes and saw the knife above her head. A tear fell from my chin and landed on my Grandmother's face, I wiped it off carefully.
One of the police men still on the house walked back over to where I was kneeling and with one of his gloved hands, picked up the knife and placed it in a bag.
I reached down for her hand, and saw her watch.
I slowly turned her arm to remove it from her wrist, “Can I keep this?” I asked as I looked up at the police man. “It was my Grandfather's.” I told him. He didn't reply quickly, but then slowly nodded. “Thank you.”
I took it off and held it tight in my hand.
Even though I would never forget her, I wanted something to remember her by.
Everything seemed to be happening so fast, I wasn't sure if I should be there or not. I wanted to be with my Grandmother, but it probably wasn't best to be.
I looked behind me to see Jordan only a foot behind. I looked at him, holding tears back. He give me a comforting smile and took a step closer, kneeling next to me.
“I'm sorry.” the medic that was still there said, “You need to leave now.”

I slowly turned around and started to walk outside. Jordan slowly followed.
Other cars started to drive up her driveway, most of the police cars had left, one of the ambulances were still there.
Everything seemed so unreal. I used to watch those cop shows on television when I was a bit younger, but I never really knew how things happened. It just seemed weird, like a nightmare.

I sat on the bottom step, away from the door so people could still get in and out of the house, and held my knees close to my body. I buried my head down into my stomach.

“I can't believe this.” I mumbled at the same time Jordan started to say “I'm sorry.”
I lifted my head and looked at him, the look on his face was sincere.
He was so adorable.
I moved myself closer to him and he gently placed his arm around me.
I leaned my head on his chest and cried.
A lot of people were going in and out of the house, but no one had brought out my Grandmother yet.
I wanted to know why this was happening, it still seemed so unreal.
My Mother, murdering my Grandmother. The most kindest old lady, older then 70, so helpless, stabbed by her own daughter.
And for what reason?
I was so confused, so curious.
Why had my whole life been such a mess? Had I don't something to deserve such cruelty?
The only true thing good about my life anymore was Jordan, the only friend I had.
I felt so comfortable around him, even though all of the other boys, men, in my life had been so cruel. I felt like I could tell him anything, trust him with my life. I had barely known him for one day, but yet it seemed like I had known him my whole life.

I lifted my head off of him and took a deep breath. The driveway was full of cars, a couple ambulances, police cars, then some other cars.
A couple police men were walking towards the house, I figured they were just going to walk into the house.
“We need you to come with us.” one of them said while looking at me.
“Me?” I asked.
He nodded while gently grabbing my shoulder while I stood up.
“You also.” the other man said.
Jordan stood up and gave me a confused look. I shook my head, telling him I had no idea what was going on.
“Uhm, I hope you guys don't think we did anything.” I said as we walked to a police car.
“No, no. We just need you for questions, about your Mother, that's all.” one of the men said.
“Wait... how do you know I'm her daughter?” I asked as I stopped walking. I was kind of suspicious.
Jordan continued to walk, and got into the car. “She told us you were.” he replied. “How did that come up?” I asked. “Please,” he said as he put his hand on my back, “Just get in the car.”
I did what I was told and sat in back of the car with Jordan.

This is so messed up.