The Words We Forget to Say

"So are you sure about this, Jess? People don't usually make a decision like yours as quickly as you did."

I sighed softly as Sierra took a sip of her grape soda," Yeah... I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately. It just seems right to me, you know? It's perfect. I'm sure he's the one I want to be with."

Sierra raised her eyebrow, giving me a cocky smile," So you've been thinking a lot about him, huh?"

I smiled big despite my efforts not to," Shut up! Not like that!"
Then I frowned," Seriously though, do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

She shrugged her shoulders, rolling her eyes, her dark brown hair shifting over her shoulders as she did so," I really don't know why you're asking me that. I mean, it's your decision, not mine. And it's too important to let other people decide it for you. I guess though, you should pick the choice that you'll be most happy with...?"

I nodded slowly," Yeah, you're right... as always," I added with a smile.

She smiled lightly," Then what are you doing here, hun? Go get him!"

Excitement fluttered into my stomach and I shot up, a grin on my lips," Of course! You're right! I'd better..."

Then I remembered, frowning.

Sierra frowned back at me, tilting her head," Unfinished business?"

I nodded solemnly," Yeah, pretty much."

She sighed and nodded," Go to him; he'll understand... hopefully."

I mustered out all of my will, or rather foolishness, and waved goodbye to Sierra, heading towards a ghost of my past.

With uneasy step, it seemed as though my feet became heavier and heavier, to the point where it felt like some invisible force was anchoring my feet to the black asphalt.

The closer I got, the more the uneasy pit in my stomach continued to ache more and more.

Yeah, you could say I was scared.
Maybe even terrified.

Before I knew it, I stood in front of a black door of one of the many tour buses surrounding me.

But this wasn't just any normal bus.
This bus was so much more... more than anyone could ever perceive.

It contained so many vivid memories, all of them racing through my mind like an old family tape set on rewind.

It brought me back to where it all began; to where my long journey had started.
And also where it would end.

I inhaled and exhaled shakily, trying to convince myself that I had to do this.
Or I would regret it.

I had to end this unfinished business before it affected other people too, before it dragged everyone else down as well.

I wiped my clammy hands, now shaking, on the blue denim of my shorts and clenched my fists rather tightly.

This is it.

I slowly brought my fist to the metal door and knocked two times hesitantly.

My heart started to beat faster, the pulse painfully echoing throughout my head as I heard the footsteps edge closer to the door.

I held my breath as the footsteps stopped behind the door, an awful silence engulfing me until it was finally opened.

I released my breath as Jonathan stared at me in shock, then he recomposed himself, not before I could notice though," Oh, hi Jess."

I gave him a weak smile," Hey."

He sighed, taking his blue cap off and running a worn hand through his blonde-streaked hair," He's in his bunk."

I nodded," Thanks, J. Is he the only one on the bus?"

Jonathan motioned for me to move aside and I abode, watching as he stepped out of the bus with a signature grin," Now he is."

I smiled back," Thanks."

I took another deep breath and continued forward, my breathing becoming somewhat ragged.

I walked the familiar path to the bunk area, desperately trying to shove my fears aside for my own well-being.

I had to do this.

I spotted Kyle's bunk immediately; that same bed that I had shared with him for so many nights, safely embraced in his arms.

I stopped in front of the bed, where the curtain was carelessly swept aside.

Kyle's back face me, his bright platinum hair sticking out wildly in a thousand directions.

A bright light was shining from the inside of his bunk, probably his cell phone.

I shuffled my feet nervously and cleared my throat, which was burning from the dryness.

He immediately flipped over, his eyes locking with mine.
He could of killed me right there and then.
The way his icy blue eyes bore into my guilty ones; they were full of loathe, I could just tell.

They were the eyes of an old friend, now a those of a stranger, a part of my past that tuned dark, once a bright sea full of love.

But he was changed, I could see it in his eyes.
It was obvious.

Kyle glared at me hatefully and then flipped back over; as if I weren't there.

Another stab in the heart.
I nearly cried as he did that, turning his back to me.
But I couldn't say anything.
Because I had done the same thing to him.

"Kyle, please listen to me," I choked on his name.

He didn't respond, I couldn't complain.

"I'm sorry I left you the way I did. It was wrong, I know."

Still no sign of attentiveness.

"It was so fucking selfish of me. 'Cause you're such a sweet guy and I know you would never do that to you."

How could I be sure he was even listening to me?

"You're a good guy, really, you are. But you're just not the right guy for me. I'm thankful for everything you've done for me. I'm sorry I brought so much shit up on you."

At this point I was about ready to walk away.

"I just wanted to come and end this the proper way. So I guess this is the end of us. I'm sorry, I really want to be just friends though and I'm sure we could.... I'm sure that you'll find some sweet girl that actually deserves you. I'm sorry... Bye Kyle."

I sighed heavily and took a step backwards.
"Wait."

My heart jumped and I looked back at Kyle, who shifted his position so that he was facing me directly.

"Yeah..?"

"You love Jack don't you?"

I frowned, eying him," How do- I mean, where'd you hear that?"

He shrugged," Don't act like you don't know. You two were this close."
He crossed his two fingers for emphasis.

I nodded," I do love him."

He sighed," You do know that he loves you too, right? That he's loved you since the beginning?"

My heart skipped a beat," Did he tell you that?"

He shook his head and laughed mockingly," You'd have to be blind not to have noticed."

I flinched," I must be pretty blind then."

He sighed, his smirk fading," In more ways than you know."

He clambered out of his bunk and stepped in front of me, taking my hand into his.

His sad eyes drilled into mine, carving sad songs and happy times back into my head.

"Thanks for coming over and officially ending this... this chaos. It means a lot to me to see that you actually care."

I gulped," It was only right. Besides, I really do love you, it'd say otherwise if I didn't."

He shrunk back a bit, hurt evident in his light blue eyes," Don't say that please. You know that you don't love me."

I scowled," Of course I do, but in a different way than I love Jack. Either way though, love is love."

He sighed," It's not the same, not at all."

He slipped his hand out of mine and took a step back," I hope you'll be happy with him."

I felt a panic swell up in my chest," Are you saying I won't see you anymore Kyle? What?"

Kyle shrugged," Listen Jessica; I'd love to be friends but.... I just can't do it. It's just to much to sit back and watch the world fly by, watching some other guy kiss the girl of my dreams... I just... can't."

A thick knot started to constrict my throat," No, no, don't be like that, that's bull. We can still be just friends, it'll be okay... please??"

I scrambled for words when he only replied with a sad expression," Jack won't be my best friend anymore so I, um, I'll need a new one! Kyle, please, we can still be close. It doesn't have to be like that!"

Kyle closed his eyes and rubbed his temples," Stop Jess. I told you already, I can't do that. I'll still be touring with the band, but I'm not going to be able to talk to you or Jack. Jess, I'm sorry."

Then it came, the waterworks.
Tears started to cascade down my cheeks as realty knocked into me hard," Kyle, please, no... you can't do that to me, it's unfair!"

He tilted his head, a false smile tugging on the corners of his lips," Unfair?"
He chuckled," Not in the least bit... trust me. I know what unfair is."

He took a step closer to me and leaned forward.
Kyle lightly pressed his lips against mine, which were coated with salty tears.
He whispered against my lips." Bye Jess, I love you."

I closed my eyes and tried to stifle what had now become sobs as he stepped back and turned away, turning his back to his past.

I watched him walk away helplessly and I stumbled into a nearby wall, pressing my back against the cold surface and sinking slowly to the floor.

I didn't think the tears would ever stop.

I felt a strong pair of arms wrap around me and looked to see Jonathan gazing at me pitifully.

He gave me weak smile," He'll be okay."

As Jonathan picked me up and carried me out of the bus, those three words only made me cry harder.

Because if there was on thing I was sure about, it was this one cold fact: he'd never be okay...

I guess all good things always come to an end.