Always and Forever

I was lying in bed unable to sleep, I had begun to sober up and I felt in the pit of my stomach that I was going to vomit for more reasons than one.
What was I thinking tonight? Did I even need to ask the question, I knew I wasn’t thinking, I was drunk and I hated that lack of control, I promised to myself I’d never let it happen again.

I turned over again, my bed squeaking slightly as I moved. The sheets were dirty, dirty with what almost happened tonight, I couldn’t, I didn’t want to sleep in them. These sheets reminded me of everything that I wanted to forget about. They reminded me of tonight, of the party, of me trying to forget about Brendon and using Aaron to do so.

I sat up, seriously considering going downstairs to see if there was any more beer lying around. I was thinking too much and the only upside of being drunk is that you don’t think. I also think I’ve been contradicting myself lately. I wished I could pick and choose what I wanted to remember and what I wanted to forget but it seemed as if the good memories, the nice thoughts would all disappear as soon as I sobered up, leaving everything horrible about my life to focus on.

I sighed and rolled out of bed giving up on sleep and wondered downstairs. It was a mess which had obviously been left for me to clean up tomorrow or really, this morning. After thoroughly searching through the pantry to find them nearly completely empty I found a packet of choc chip biscuits. It probably wasn’t a very smart thing to do, eating when I felt like I was about to vomit but to be honest, I didn’t care, it wasn’t like this night could get much worse.

“Happy birthday” I jumped backwards my back slamming into my bedroom door. It took me a few seconds to actually realise what was going on. I blinked a few times, this has to be a dream, or maybe a nightmare, in fact, I had no idea what this was it just couldn’t be real.
Brendon glanced up at me from his spot, sitting cross-legged on my bed, the light from my camera which he was looking at illuminating his beautiful features.

“Looks like you had fun” Brendon said in a monotone as continued to flick through the photos my camera beeping repeatedly with every new photo he looked at “You looked great” he smiled.

“Brendon,” I whispered my voice cracking as I spoke “what are you doing here?”

“I-I- I don’t know” he said quietly looking at me and then back to the camera “I-I just I-I...are you really with him?” Brendon asked showing me a photo of me and Aaron kissing, just one of many that were on the camera.

“Yeah” I said quietly, leaning against the door still in shock that he was in my room sitting on the bed which Aaron and I...gosh I wished he would get off that bed.

Brendon nodded bitting on his bottom lip as he continued to scroll through the photos “You two look good together.”

I didn’t know what to do or say in fact, I didn’t even know if I was still breathing or not. All I could do was stare at Brendon as he continued to look at more photos in the camera. He looked even better than the last time I saw him with a bit of stubble down his chin and his hair in a complete mess.

He looked up at me, his eyes lingering on my nearly bare body “Aren’t you cold?”

“Y-yeah” I said quietly but my feet stayed stuck on the ground refusing to move me to where my clothes were.

Brendon shook his head and turned his attention back to the camera.

“W-what are you do-doing he-” I started.

“Have you slept with him?”

I took me attention off my bare feet and looked up at him, his big brown eyes were staring intensely at mine “I-isn’t that a- a bit personal.”

“So you have” I stared at Brendon searching for any emotion on his face to find his expression completely unchanged.

“No, I haven’t” I said shortly though I wasn’t quite sure why I felt the need to answer him on such a personal question.

Brendon nodded and continued to look at more photos “Looks like you had fun.”

“Is there someone else?” I asked reluctantly.

“What?”

“A-are you going out with someone else now?”

“No” Brendon said bitterly “Some of us take more than a week to get over someone they loved.”

I ran a hand through my long, knotty hair, stared at the ceiling and sighed loudly “Brendon, you told me you didn’t want me” I was beginning to tear up.

“Yeah- b-but...I dunno-I-I just-I...”

“Brendon, why are you here?” I sighed, tears stinging the back of my eyes.

“I-I umm, I wanted t-to say happy birthday” he said scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Thanks” I gave him a watery smile a few tears slipping from my eyes, I quickly wiped them away hoping he wouldn’t notice.

“I-I got y-you something.”

“Why?” I asked desperately, he was just making this break up harder for the both of us.

“I don’t know why, I just” Brendon said quietly “Umm, I-I really want to give it t-to you but I can’t get up here i-if I’m holding it.”

I just nodded, my mind again dissolving and I was again confused and lost in thought.

“D-do you wanna come down to see it?”

“O-out the window?” my voice shook slightly, I hated heights.

Brendon nodded “It’s not that high up, come on Holly, please.”

I shook my head, my hands shaking slightly “Why are you doing this, we’re over remember?”

Brendon shrugged “I-I guess, I guess I miss you to a-and I know that you and Aaron are y’know, a thing now but, I- I just want...I just want to wish you a happy birthday and I-I...”

I sighed biting hard on my lip “fine, I’ll go and see what’s going on down there.”

“Really?”

I nodded.

“We’ll go get dressed; it’s fucking freezing out there.”

The wind was strong and cold whipping through my room causing worksheets and other light belongings to fly across the room onto the floor. Brendon jumped up onto my desk and like a professional threw one leg out the window and catching it onto a panel of lattice and launched himself out of the room.

Immediately I knew I couldn’t do this. The wind was too strong; my room was too high up and most importantly, the lattice was too far away for me to get to. I wasn’t short, but Brendon was much taller than I am making it much easier for him to get to the lattice.

He nodded, holding out a hand for me. I was crouched on the window seal shaking, due to both the cold weather and the fact that I was practically about to jump out of my window on the second floor of my house.

I shook my head “N-no, I’ll just look from up here.”

Brendon sighed “Come on Holly it’s not far, just reach out your leg and you’ll be okay!”

Clutching onto the window seal I stretched my leg out, it fell just short “Brendon, it’s too far away!”

Brendon sighed, climbing up a few more panels until he was at equal height to the top of my window. He leant over taking one foot and one hand off the lattice. He took my hand and placed it on the panel closest to the window “Pull yourself over, if you slip all your going to do is fall on top of me, come on, admit it, I’m pretty soft” he smiled.

I couldn’t smile back at him, the nerves taking over my whole body. Brendon kept my hand fixed on the lattice, encasing it in his making it impossible for me to go inside. I drew in a breath and jumped. Of course, I made it there even though I collided so hard with Brendon he fell down a few panels.

Once we were on the ground Brendon rolled his eyes and led me down the street “You really should stop being so difficult and just listen to me.”

I rolled my eyes and kept walking “Brendon, it’s too cold to be out here, I wanna go back.”

“I’ll put the heating on in the car.”

“Where is your car?”

“Down the street so your parents don’t hear” Brendon told me as if it was the most obvious thing in the world “though you might have woken them up with all your yelling” he smiled.

We got to his car and I climbed into the backseat while Brendon pulled something out from under the passenger seat. Brendon’s car was old and brown with the seats the same horrible brown colour but we unusually soft and smelt of cigarette smoke.

“Okay, the heaters on and I hope it doesn’t melt the icing or anything but...yeah” Brendon lifted off the lid of his container revealing a mud chocolate with eighteen candles on it. “See these are the times when being a smoker comes in handy” he smiled pulling out a lighter from his back pocket and happily started to light the candles.

I rolled my eyes “Yeah, we’ll see in twenty years time whether smoking is handy or not when you have lung or throat cancer.”

Brendon rolled his eyes “you know that won’t happen to me, and besides, if it did it would be at least thirty years later not twenty. Anyway, shut up and let me sing.”

I didn’t laugh at his attempt in humour, I was against smoking of any kind but I’ve let go of trying to change the way Brendon ways because Brendon’s like an old man, stubborn and unchangeable... or at least he was back when we were dating.

After Brendon’s endearing rendition of Happy Birthday we tucked into the cake which was mud chocolate, my favourite. I wanted to ask Brendon why he was here, what we were doing and where we were. Were we friends? Were we going to get back together or is this just a one night guilt trip from Brendon.

“Umm, Brendon, did you make this yourself?” I asked as I pulled a piece of eggshell out of my mouth.

“Umm...yeah” Brendon said shyly “Uhh, it’s the first cake I’ve ever made, I was going good b-but yeah, I had a bit of trouble breaking the egg I-I thought I took most of it o-out but...obviously not.”

I smiled resting a hand reassuringly on Brendon’s arm “it’s really good Brendon.”

I missed spending time with Brendon. Whether I was in animated conversation, having a D&M or just sitting in silence I loved his company. I hated myself for coming out with Brendon tonight and I hated him for taking me out to rub salt into still bleeding wounds.

“Brendon” I sighed as I finished my piece of cake “What are we doing?”

“Eating cake.”

I rolled my eyes “No, what are we doing...like...why did you get me to go out with you now?”

Brendon just stared at the cake he had made, refusing to look at me “I- I don’t know, I-I know

I shouldn’t have ‘cos you’re with Aaron now a-and I shouldn’t ask you this but...do you wanna go with me to William’s party today?”

“What? Why?” I whispered my head again buzzing with confusion as he spoke.

Brendon scratched the back of his neck awkwardly “I don’t know okay I-I- I just know I really want you to come” he snapped but something in his tone told me that he was just as confused about everything as I was.

“Brendon” I said softly “I-I don’t know, it just that...” I trailed off, not knowing what to
say “What’s William doing for his birthday?”

“We’re gonna go up to the lake and camp f-for the night.”

“Brendon, I don’t know, my parents wo-”

“We can go now” he said quickly.

“What to the lake?” I raised my eyebrows.

“No, we can get your stuff now a-and we’ll go to my house and leave tomorrow morning.”
I knew it would be hard to turn down such an inviting proposition “B-Brendon I think I’m grou-”

“So, that’s never stopped you before.”

“And I’ve got to clean up downstairs”

“We can do it now while they’re sleeping”

”They’ll wa-”

“Holly” Brendon sighed “please stop coming up with excuses, I just really want you to come, I really want to spend some time with you.” And with words full of such sincerity he won me over.

Once home I immediately woke my parents by telling them I was cleaning up. They were annoyed but thankfully after I told them they didn’t get up making it easier for both Brendon and I to clean up the house.

After cleaning up we went back upstairs to pack, well I pack while Brendon stood in the yard catching all the bags that I was throwing down to him.

“Do I need a sleeping bag?” I whispered into the receiver of my mobile, the only way for me and Brendon to communicate without waking my parents up.

“Nah, mine’s massive, we’ll just use that one.”

“Umm okay...then I’ll just grab a bag and we’ll go.”

I left a note on the counter for my parents, telling them I had gone to Deanna’s and was staying overnight for a study project. As I walked back up to my room I knew what I was doing was stupid, I knew that I would get caught but the excitement and adrenalin inside of me clouded my rational judgement.

“You ready to go?” Brendon whispered, hanging outside my window.

Nervously I nodded “Yeah.”

Brendon’s room looked just like it did the last time I was up there: messy. It must be physically impossible for that boy to make his bed, not leave his shoes lying in the room and put away all of his DVD cases.

He got out an extra pillow “Well are you coming to bed?”

I was hesitant, I didn’t like spending such an intimate time with him while I was going out with someone else “Umm, I’ll just sleep on the couch.”

Hurt flashed across Brendon’s face “Are you sure?”

“Yeah” I said picking up the pillow. Brendon sighed and pulled out a couple of blankets from the linen cupboard in the middle of the hallway.

He awkwardly handed them to me and I suddenly felt a wave of affection for the dejected Brendon. I stood on my tip toes and pecked him lightly on the cheek “Thanks for tonight Brendon” and with that I went downstairs not sure how to sleep on traditionally
uncomfortable sofas.