My Love Was My Decay

Finally, he decided that he was going to at least pretend like he was getting a life and go down to 7-11 and pick up a Coke or something. He stuffed a five-dollar bill into his pocket after changing into some black skinny jeans and a long-sleeve thermal shirt. It took him a little longer to lace up his grey Vans, but in the end he managed using his teeth as well.

He crept down the stairs to the front door, not wanting Paul to question him about anything. He paused at the banister and listened, only hearing the lifeless wet thudding sounds of a rag against the floor and the scratching of bristles on linoleum. He silently slipped out.

The warm air beat down gently on his back as he ducked under the willow tree in the front yard. To get to 7-11, he tried to remember, he had to cross the street and continue down. The convenience store would be across from the community center.

At the intersection, cars were idly making turns and going straight and basically going to places. He absently repeated pushing the button, which was an old habit. As the cars rushed by, he wondered what it would be like… just to step out… Would it hurt? Or would it all be over instantly? Because, of course, he didn’t want to feel the pain. Those cars looked like they were in a hurry… he was sure it would be painless…

The walk signal beeped and turned to a white lighted walking person. He clutched the ends of his left sleeve to his left-hand palm and crossed.

Farther down the block and children could be heard shrieking. A few more steps and they were in sight, hanging from the monkey bars on the playground or crying because they’d scraped their knee playing tag. A beautiful splashing water fountain graced the double-door entrance to the community center.

He put his hands in his pocket. And, as if it were fate, he felt the edges of a coin. He pulled it out and saw it as a copper penny.

His legs seemed to be in control now. No, he was just hopeless – wishing on a fountain wouldn’t do anything. But he was there and the water was merrily cascading down in front of him, occasionally spraying him with drops. He closed his eyes and felt the beads on his eyelashes, hanging.

Waiting to fall.

Just like him.

He opened his eyes and threw in the penny.

Turned to leave.

And the familiar footsteps he’d learned so well stopped him.

It couldn’t be.

No fucking way.

An ecstatic shiver flew from his toes to his lips, forced them into a small smile. Who knew? He’d gone with her here once to make a wish. Maybe the fountain had retained its magic.

But as he turned around to speak, to talk to her, to hug her, he didn’t really have a plan in mind –

There was another voice.

“You want to make a wish?”

He knew that voice.

He’d heard it say hello to him that one day at the beach.

The day where everything had changed.

“Of course!” Her voice. So sweet to his ears, it made him ache. He fought himself, don’t turn around, God, don’t turn around…. He was nearly shaking from the anticipation, she was right there, and yet he didn’t want to turn around and see them together.

The sound of the coin landing in the water. Had to be a quarter. She’d always favored throwing those in because she said it was worth more and she had a better chance of having her wish granted.

Their footsteps faded away.

Tears prickled at the corners of his eyes. They hadn’t even noticed him. She hadn’t even noticed him. Suddenly he felt so weak and defeated. He collapsed to his knees on the ground, staring down, the ground blurring and becoming splattered with hot tears.

“I know I’ll never make your list,” he whispered, “I just hope one day I feel alive.”