My Love Was My Decay

He went home and sat on the settee, the house empty of Paul again. To be quite honest, he was getting sick of it. Why couldn’t they be a normal family?

He took a deep breath. Ashleigh, she felt the same… yet something, a strange feeling, was telling him something was different. Well of course, he spat at his conscience, she’s with Brendan now. He’s not me.

A buzzing from his back right pocket startled him. He extracted his Samsung and read, 1 New Message. From: Ashy! (: - her customized name when she’d programmed her number into his phone. A tremble ran from his fingertips to his toes. Hesitantly, he pressed Read.

Hey, Shay! I thought I saw you at the fountain today? Just wondering how you were doing. xx

He exhaled sharply a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, and surprisingly, a small smile peeked from his lips. She sounded so…natural. Happy. Alive. And knowing that she wasn’t moping around and drowning in self-pity like himself lifted his spirits.

Hey, I’m doing good. Maybe I saw you too, I’ll never tell. I’m doing alright, what about you?

No way he was ever going to tell her what he’d done to himself. She'd tear him apart and rebuild him from scratch, and there was no possible way he was going to make it through round two thinking she loved him, like she’d said a long, long time ago. And sealed it with a kiss.

I’m great! :D I miss you a lot, Shay. xx

The smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, impatient.

I miss you, too. How’s it going with Brendan?

The usual stab of pain that accompanied anything relating to that statement didn’t even go as deep as normal, the feeling just a mild scratch. He guessed it was true after all – there was a kind of love where if she was happy, he was happy.

It’s pretty good. (: Oh, my mom’s home and I’m not supposed to know where my phone is. Haha, remember the old times? Yeah, well I’ll talk to you soon, hopefully. I love you! xx

Of course he remembered the old times – Ashleigh had always gotten her phone taken away, for some reason or another, and her mother always used the same hiding spot, in a little drawer under the kitchen sink. He chuckled out loud just reminiscing about it. And, like he knew, he didn’t respond because by the time he’d finished reading the text he knew she’d already stowed the phone away. Except whatever she was doing afterward to act natural, he didn’t want to guess at.

And he was dying to respond with an I love you, too.

How could he keep living the way he was if she was the complete opposite? Obviously, hearing from her like they were best friends, texts from his former self, had rebooted his body. He felt different…satisfied.

But he still couldn’t help a few tears of regret from leaking out as he pulled on his iPod headphones and listened to Yellowcard’s “Only One,” picking out the lyrics from amidst the music.

Ran my whole life in the ground and I can’t, I can’t get up when you’re gone…
Here I go, so dishonestly. Leave a note for you, my only one.
And I know you can see right through me, so let me go and you will find someone…
I let go, there’s just no one like you.
You are my only, my only one.

The single fading violin note ended the song.