Indifferent Confusion

I couldn’t look at Holden anymore so I walked out the door and away from him. In the process, I ran straight into Shane and Ashleigh, who were apparently coming to look for me. Because I was so far gone, I just broke down and started bawling my eyes out right there in front of them. Ashleigh immediately engulfed me in a hug, whispering comforting words in my ear, not thinking anything of my weird behavior.

I was absolutely mortified by my actions though. I actually broke down in front of two guys I was desperately trying to prove myself to, but they were actually very supportive. Still though, I didn’t like showing them my weakness.

“Sweetie, we have fight training now,” Ashleigh informed softly, pulling me away from his chest so he could look at me. “Can you let it all out while we’re there?”

I nodded, knowing that I could always solve my problems by fighting, even though that is a really bad habit that I probably should have broken. So I left it all on the floor during fight training, willing myself to feel better. I really shouldn’t have been so upset because what was I honestly expecting?

Just because I saw the light-so to speak-does not mean that Holden was automatically going to see it my way. He was thick headed and stubborn, he’d been that way as long as I knew him, so why did I think he would ever want to change? Besides, part of the reason I fell in love with him was because he was like that. He knew who he was and no one could change that.

I couldn’t write that night. It killed me, but I was in no mind to continue writing a story when I was so mad at the world. I was actually debating whether or not I should start a story where the protagonist had everything and was happy, but I quickly put that thought to rest. What did I know about happiness, really?

As I was trying to fall asleep, I saw Shane standing in the doorway looking confused and I couldn’t really blame him. I knew that he did checks every night and always saw me writing, even though he did not know I saw him. That night though, all lights were out and I did not have a notebook and pen in my hands.

Even though I didn’t stay up past lights out, Shane still woke me up at four o’clock the next morning. I didn’t care though, because I liked working out with him and besides, I needed to strengthen as much as I could if I was going to compete with all the guys in juvie. We didn’t talk much throughout the work out, but I knew he wanted to ask me what was wrong and ask what went on with Holden.

“He doesn’t care that we’re going to hell,” I informed softly, about half way through the workout.

“Who doesn’t care?” Shane wondered, even though he had a pretty good guess as to who I meant.

“Holden is perfectly fine with what we did. He says that we were going to hell way before that so why bother, you know? But I feel like up until that point we at least had a chance to be forgiven. Now I’m just not so sure.”

“If you know what you did was wrong then there is always a chance to be forgiven. I’ve told you before Rain, that kid is going nowhere fast because he doesn’t care. You can get mad at me all you want for saying it, but that is the truth. I’ve seen it so many time before-kids come in here with no conscience whatsoever only to leave and go right to jail.”

I knew he was right, but I didn’t want to admit it so I merely kept quiet. Maybe I did have a chance to be forgiven, but I killed a guy. How was I supposed to get over that? I knew that Jake’s family would never forgive me, so how was I supposed to forgive myself? It just didn’t really make sense to me.

“Why didn’t you write last night?” he finally asked.

“I would have sabotaged any plotline I had if I would have done any writing last night,” I admitted sheepishly. I was very self-conscious about the answer for some reason. “I usually have a pretty good idea where I want my stories to go, but I wouldn’t have been able to keep with them if I wrote anymore yesterday.”

“You know, I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but why are you still with him if you’re not happy with him?” It was an honest question; I just didn’t really have an answer for him.
“I guess I’ve never actually thought about that,” I admitted. “We’re like a married couple- we just stay together because there really isn’t anything else to do. I do love him; we’re just pretty different now.”

“Why force something that isn’t working anymore, though?”

“Can we not talk about it, please?”

Though I knew he didn’t want to, Shane obliged and we worked out in silence until it was time to wake up the other guys. I did need help sorting out my issues with Holden, but I felt like Shane would be unfair about it. He never liked Holden to begin with so I felt like he would tell me to break up with him no matter what justifications I had either way.

Ashleigh seemed like a good person to talk to about my problems because he always knew what to say. We had a pretty god talk while we ran that morning and he tried to be as unbiased as he could be. I knew that he didn’t particularly like Holden, but he listened to everything with an open mind and seemed to understand.

I was quiet during breakfast again since I was really thinking about what Ashleigh said. He told me that I really had to think about the relationship and whether I still loved Holden. There was no question that I still loved him, but was I willing to stay with him? We did nothing but fight most of the time yet we were always able to get past that before. I guess the question really was whether I wanted to get past it this time.

During free time, I decided to write a note to Holden since we usually did everything significant through notes. I mean really, he gave me Jake’s heart with a note on it and he asked me out through a note. Maybe he would be more willing to work things out if I did that. It was worth a shot. Maybe it wouldn’t solve anything, but I just needed to know that I tried all that I could before deciding it just wasn’t worth it. I could have just been making a big deal out of nothing.

‘In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been fighting a lot. I don’t like fighting with you because I love you so much, but what are we going to do? You don’t seem to get why I’m not okay with going to hell and I definitely don’t see why you are so okay with it. We need to work all this shit out before things get too out of hand, you know? I don’t want to lose you if I don’t have to. Maybe that’s my little fear of being alone that you know so well, but what do you say? Help me fix it? We wouldn’t want Jake’s heart to go to waste, now would we?
XOXO Rainy’

I made Caleb take it to him because I didn’t want to see him as he got the note. Maybe that was me being a huge coward, but that was just how I wanted it to happen. I figure that if he came to find me, it meant he really did want to work it out, but if he just ignored it then we were pretty much done.