Remodelling the Wreckage of My Past

“Yeah Billy, I’m fan-fucking-tastic!” I muttered in the phone.
It has been two days since Brian had arrived and it was going on my nerves. Not Brian’s presence, but the fact that I was stuck in my apartment and that I had to ask Brian to help me doing stuff every two seconds.

“Yeah, well at least Brian is here to help me. Which reminds me that he hadn’t told me what brought him here yet… Do you know why he choose to fly to Baltimore?” I asked, running a hand through my hair.

“Oh well, I shall ask him later then. So, how is everyone?”

My face fell as I realized that I missed Billy and Celia and the rest of Good Charlotte. I also missed Angelina and the girls and their husbands, and even Aiden.

There was a pause.

“I know Billy, I miss you too, you have no idea how much. It’s complicated Billy, I’ll come as soon as I’m ready to go back. But right now, I’m just not ready yet. Can you understand that?”

“Listen Billy, I need to go okay? Bye. I love you. And tell Celia that I love her and miss her okay? Thanks. Bye.”

I hang up and threw the phone on the mattress before I grabbed the crutches and slowly made my way to the living room.

“It’s not my fault baby! I have no control over their actions! Oh come on Baby, it’s no big deal! They just changed your ringtones! They did the same to me last weekend. No, no I didn’t yell at them. They’re just trying to have fun babe, try to understand them.”

I stood at the doorway, my head tilted to the side as Brian was talking on the phone, an amused smile on his face.

“Well, I like this song! Oh alright I’ll talk to them! Fine. Yes. I love you. No, I don’t know when I’ll be back. Bye.”

He slide his cell phone back in his pocket and rubbed his face.

“Is everything alright Brian?” I asked, making my way to the armchair. It took me twice the usual time, as I was using crutches.

“Yeah, Nat is just pissed off because Angelina and Aiden changed her ringtone.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, when I called her, instead of the normal ringtone, it was a Papa Roach song…”
I raised an eyebrow and waited for him to continue.

“ ‘I almost told you that I love you’” he said with a small smile. I shook my head.

“I might have to call them later and have a few words with them.” I muttered.

“Oh come on Lyn, they are just trying to kill the time, you can’t blame them! Last time, they changed my ringtone to ‘Stay together for the kids’ by Blink182.” He said. I rolled my eyes.

“There’s a hidden message Brian!” I said. He laughed,

“I know! I found it funny! That’s all. They have great imagination!”

I shook my head and sighed. The discussion was doomed. After a few minutes of silence, I decided to break it.

“Brian, what exactly are you doing here?”

He looked away from the TV and focused his eyes on me.

“I thought you could help me somehow…” he said. “I’m not really great at dealing with kids.”

“You’re doing just fine Brian.” I said, running a hand through my hair.

“Not really, I feel like it’s my fault if everything’s fucked up.” He whispered. I sighed, grabbed the remote and switched off the TV.

“Why would you think something like that?” I asked, starring at the man sitting on my couch. Like Synyster Gates could fuck up something?

“Well, it’s something the Dr said…”

“I thought it was Aiden who was seeing him…”

“Yeah, but after each appointments, he wants to talk to me too. And he said some interesting things.”

“Such as?”

“Dr Weaston made some interesting remarks concerning Aiden’s childhood.” He said slowly, looking at me. I stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.

“He said that the reason why Aiden was so ‘unstable’” he said, using air quotes, “might come from the environment he was raised in.” I frowned but said nothing.

“Weaston said that he wasn’t very hum, how did he say… I can’t remember his exact words but basically he said that you should have been more firm with Aiden.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah, he said that you obviously let him live his life and was paying more attention to his twin sister and the last born, Celia. He said that Aiden felt rejected, that why he’s been acting the way he was…” he stopped for a few seconds, just the time for Adeline to everything in.

“You wanna know the funniest part? Dr Weaston has an interesting theory about your carelessness of Aiden…”

“I’m listening.”

“He said that the reason why you paid so little attention to Aiden is because he looks like me and acts like me. He said that you were still mad at me for some reasons and that you were taking everything out on poor Aiden.”

“I’m doing what?”

“The reason why Aiden is like that is because you’ve been neglecting him since the day he was born and the reason behind your behavior is me. Funny huh?” asked Brian, leaning down on the couch.

“So, basically, you’re feeling bad because that doctor told you that you were the reason why I treated Aiden bad, which means that you are responsible of Aiden’s unstable sanity?”

Brian nodded.

“This is bullshit Brian.” I said. “This guy is wrong, I have no idea where he got his diploma. You aren’t responsible of Aiden’s problems. The fact that Aiden never respected Billy isn’t your fault. You weren’t there…”

“That’s because I wasn’t there! If I was there when Aiden and Angelina grew up, none of this you’d have ever happened!” he said, dropping his face in his hands. I bit my lip and got off the armchair, to sit down next to Brian, on the couch.

“Listen to me Brian. It’s no one’s fault. You weren’t there and I made no move to come and get you back. I fucked up, if there’s anyone to blame, it would be me Bri, not you. I’ve never been sincere with you. If I had told you who I was from the beginning, none of this would have ever happened. I’m the one to blame, I should have paid more attention to Aiden. None of this is your fault.”

“But the gun…” he whispered. I cut him off.

“The gun. You trusted him Brian, Aiden wanted to shot me. If he hadn’t taken your gun, he would have taken Matt’s. You weren’t holding the fucking gun Brian. Aiden was.”

“But still, you should hate me. You have every fucking reason to! I should have never left you, I should have told Matt to fuck off and you would have come with us on tour…”

“Brian, Brian stop that okay? There’s no time for regret. What does your song said? Oh yeah: Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost… The regrets are useless now Brian, what’s done is done.” I whispered, gazing at his gorgeous face. The look on his face was so like the one when I ignored him back on tour. I winced at the memory.

“You’re alright?”

“I’m fine, it’s just my ankle.” I lied and ran a hand through my hair.

“I’m still sorry though.” He said, crossing his arms over his chest.

I sighed, “and I guess there’s nothing I can do to make you stop being sorry?”

He shook his head.
“Stubborn.” I muttered under my breath but he heard me and playfully glared at me.

“Oh no, don’t even think about tickling me!” I warned him, holding my sides. “I have a cast!” I said in defense. He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Fine…”

I smiled.

“So, we’re good now?” he asked. I nodded.

“Is there any chance that I made you change your mind, and that you’re going to come back to Huntington with me?” he asked, turning a little so he was facing me.