A Unique and Torn Romance

I close the door behind me and walk over to my desk to put down my backpack on my desk chair. Bob’s already inspecting my various toys and collector’s items. Gerard’s got all the games, DVD’s and CD’s – still in his room, though, so I can borrow any time – while I’ve got all the toys and comic books. I’ve got a few CD’s of my own, since Gerard thinks it sounds like trash. He wouldn’t know good music if it hit him in the head, so I don’t care what he says about it. I’m the main reason our CD-collection is as big as it is.

“Have you ever played with any of these?” Bob is looking at everything at once. I never even knew that was possible.

“Some of them. Some I just like to call collector’s items.” Bob laughs lightly. He probably thinks I’m a total geek.

Still, I’m not scared. Even though we’ve never really talked unless Ray or Gerard were in the room, then we still know way too much about each other to use anything against one another – like one’s collection of toys.

I walk over and sit on my bed. Bob just keeps staring at my collection. He’s obviously trying to avoid any kind of serious conversation, but honestly; I can’t wait any longer. I’ve already had all of these weird thoughts in my head for too long, and I just need to get them out and talk about them, ‘cause I really can’t keep it inside anymore, because even though it’s only been a week then it really does matter, ‘cause I can’t stop thinking about it!
Phew. Okay. Deep breaths. Okay. It’s okay.
Okay.

“When did you find out?” Bob glances over his shoulder, but nowhere near enough to actually see me.
Then he shrugs.

“Since I was 10, I think.” My eyes widen as I stare at Bob’s hand, which has moved to touch Darth Vader’s head. Heh; dirty though…

“Wow.” Is all I answer back. How could he have known back then? How can anyone ever really know? I mean, it’s just sex, really. It all just comes down to where exactly you wanna stick your dick. Do 10-year-olds even think about sex?

“When did you find out?” Bob has moved on to touching Luke. Okay, I seriously have to turn off my hormones for a minute, here. This is serious business.
I hesitate in answering. I look over at my computer.
I’ve been turned on by guys for a long time, it seems, but…I’ve never noticed. How can’t I have fucking noticed?

“A-About a week,” I say – my voice shaking. It sounds pathetic, really – both my voice and my answer.
Bob turns around quickly. He looks…stunned? Wondering? Shocked?
I can’t tell.

“A week?” I nod as my eyes slowly fall down to look at my lap.
Silence fills the room. I actually feel kinda guilty. Bob has known for 7 or 8 years now, and I just found out a week ago. Because of him actually.

I look up at him. He looked different in my dreams. His hair was longer and his body was thinner. So it’s really not as awkward as it could’ve been. I mean, technically it wasn’t him I dreamed about.

Suddenly Bob looks me straight in the eye.

“How can you be sure? How do you know?” He’s frowning deeply – looking around in the room as he talks.
He doesn’t believe me.

“I just- I had these dreams.” I trail off a bit at the end. I don’t wanna get into detail with that.

“Yeah, but that might as well just be hormones.”

“Yeah, but when-“

“I bet you’ve jacked off to Mrs. Williams before, right? No gay man would ever do that.” He actually sounds mad now.

“Would you let me finish?” I ask – angrily. Bob looks off to the side, sighs, then looks into my eyes again. He nods.
“After I had these dreams that kept coming back, I was really weirded out. So I tried looking through my porn, and I found out that… I…” Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be.
I shrug.
“I’ve always liked the guy’s reaction better. It was just…hotter.” I look down at my lap again. This might as well just be a fucking phase. Why am I even talking about this? I don’t know anything!

“So you don’t like girls?” I glance back up at Bob, but quickly look back down in embarrassment. He’s not mad anymore. Now he just looks…almost worried. Saddened. Sympathetic.

“I don’t know,” I whisper – truth in my answer.
Silence fills the room again. This time it’s a bit better than before.
I’ve told someone.

I hear Bob’s feet shuffle around, and when I look up he’s turned around and resumed in watching my collection – my toys.
I look back down. What if I still like girls? What if they still turn me on? I know that I’ve jerked off to Mrs. Williams more times than I can count, but what if that was just because of peer pressure? Because ‘that’s what everyone else is doing’. Is that even possible – getting off because of pressure?
It sounds absurd, but… Maybe.

“Dude, you are so gay. No doubt about it,” Bob says suddenly and I quickly look up. He’s holding a still wrapped toy in his hands.
“You obviously haven’t used it yet, but fuck! You like it kinky, huh?” I frown.

“It’s a finger. You know; E.T.” Does Bob live under a rock or something?

“Yeah, I know. And I see that it’s for kids 3 and above, but darn! The only reason a guy above the age of 13 would have this in his room would be to…well.” Bob stops his rant to give a visual presentation of ‘three ways to use this thing for sex’. Even though it’s still wrapped, he does manage to complete the presentation quite well.

“You only have one thing on your mind,” I say as I shake my head. I’m grinning.

“As if your mind is any different.” I look up at him fake-shocked.

“You’re the one who’s dubbed E.T.’s finger a dildo.”

“Hey, I never said it was a dildo.”

“You were, like, two inches from sticking it up your ass!”

“I bet it’s already been up your ass a few times.”

“I’ll stick it up yours if you don’t shut up.”
Bob doesn’t answer.
Win!

Suddenly he breaks out laughing, and it only takes me one second to follow.
I open my eyes a little and see Bob stumbling over to my desk.
I calm down and lie still.

I hear Bob’s laughter die down too, and when I look over at him he’s sitting on my chair – leaning back and relaxing. My backpack has been discarded onto the floor. ‘Make yourself at home’ is redundant to him.

“Have you ever come out to anyone?” I ask as I pull myself up onto my elbows. Bob doesn’t look at me, but out the window instead.

“No.” His answer is so simple and emotionless that I know not to talk about that anymore.

“How many girls have you lied into bed?” I ask – trying to lighten the mood. Luckily, Bob smiles. Then he squints as he seems to be thinking hard.

“A few.” He keeps thinking.
“Maybe five,” he quickly answers and smiles as he looks over at me. I grin back.

“All lies?” He nods.

“I dated this girl, Cherry, for a few weeks. It was after I got on the football team. Despite her slutty name, she never initiated anything sexual. Which I was perfectly fine with.” Bob raises his hands up in the air, signaling ‘I surrender’.
I grin.

“What kind of parents name their baby-girl Cherry?” Bob shrugs quickly.

“Fans of strippers, maybe?” I laugh loudly. Bob joins in. I always knew me and Bob would be able to talk together on some level, but I never knew it would be this easy. Especially not after he joined the football team. And especially not after I became his victim.
“Sorry about, you know, everything I’ve done to you.” Is he a fucking mind reader?
Do my homework. Do my homework.
“I really didn’t want to, but they wouldn’t let me join the team if I didn’t torture someone.” I look at his body language – his hands that are nervously rubbing against his thighs, his low-hung head and his constant shifting – and realize that he’s serious. Genuine.

“Why me?” Bob glances up at me, but looks back down. His leg starts jumping at an insane rate.

“I just knew you’d forgive me for it.” He presses his lips together – making them almost disappear from both the pressure and the tension.
“At least I hoped you would.” Ha! Whatever made him think I wouldn’t? It’s not like I can’t. I mean; he apologized! Genuinely! And I’m a fucking unicorn! Unicorns are suckers for genuine feelings – especially remorse.

I still don’t get why I dreamt what I dreamt about him. Why did I dream about him? I can look at him without feeling anything other than a warmth in my chest from finally being his friend and having a fucking decent friend who’s there for you and you can actually talk to for 5 minutes!
Damn, I hope the dreams will stop so they won’t screw up this friendship.