It Seems I'm Too Far Gone

She didn’t see Billie Joe immediately after his descent from her window, and that mildly freaked her out. She looked down the street he should have been walking down, and yet, it was devoid of humans. The only other place where she knew he’d be headed was the park. And low and behold, when she rounded the corner, there he was, almost to the swings, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter. He didn’t look up and see her until she was practically there.

“Isn’t it past your curfew?” he said dryly. Adie frowned, but bit her tongue. She wouldn’t have walked here if she’d wanted to do more arguing.

“Don’t do that, Billie,” she said softly, occupying the swing next to him. “I didn’t come here to get angry.”

“So why’d you come here?”

She sighed.

“I’m sorry things worked out this way, and I’m sorry you’re upset. For the record, I’m upset too. I know how much this sucks. I just know, from past experience, that this is our option. Take it or leave it,” she said, and looked over at him, a small, defeated smile on her lips. To her dismay, Billie Joe didn’t return it. But, he didn’t frown either; he didn’t show any emotion at all. Instead, he got up, cigarette in his lips, and put his hands behind his head, stretching. Adie knew this was something he did when he was avoiding speaking; when he had something he needed to say but either couldn’t or didn’t want to.

“Well I’m sorry I freaked out,” he finally said, breaking the silence and taking a drag on his cigarette. “I know you’re upset. You just… don’t act like it.”

“I know I don’t act like it, but it’s just because-“

“Because it’s ‘take it or leave it.’ Yeah, I get that,” he said, quietly, never looking at her, but keeping his eyes up. Adie knew he was avoiding looking at her, mainly because there was nothing to look at in the sky- it was all covered in clouds.

“Will you look at me and say what you’re really thinking!” she half shouted, standing abruptly from her swing and catching Billie Joe off guard. It took him a minute to regain his thoughts.

“Isn’t that what I’m doing?” he asked, not quite as loud, but bordering on annoyance.

“No, Billie, it isn’t. I know you, and I know you’re pissed off- we both are. We’ve covered that. But I came out here, didn’t I? I’m telling you how I feel. I’m explaining why I’m acting the way I am. You’re not saying anything!” Adie shouted this time, right before a low roll of thunder sounded in the not so far off distance. It was almost like a sign.

Billie stared at her for a moment, not quite sure what to say next. Sure, she was right, but that didn’t make it easy. He threw his cigarette down and crushed it under his foot.

“If you’re really ready to hear what I’m thinking, then fine,” he started, and silently, Adie’s breath hitched. That statement scared her. “I’m thinking that you and I both know where this will end up. It’ll end up in some godawful long-distance bullshit that neither of us will want anything to do with. We’ll wreck what we’ve got if we keep going when you leave. And you know it!”

There was silence between them, marred only by the increasing thunder in the threatening sky.

“How do you know?” Adie asked, feeling the tears building up inside of her.

“Because, 80, that’s what always happens! We’re stupid teenagers bent on making this work and it never works. It would only hurt us.”

“That’s bullshit,” she said through gritted teeth. His negativity, his lack of optimism was
infuriating her. She couldn’t believe he could really care so little to be saying this.

Billie Joe only laughed and turned, his hand rubbing his neck.

“Whatever you say, 80.”

This only served to piss Adrienne off more.

“What about you, Billie Joe?” she said, causing him to turn back around. “What about Green Day? You would have left anyway. Wouldn’t that have been that ‘godawful long-distance bullshit?’ You out driving around the country and me waiting? How the fuck is that different?!”

Billie shook his head.

“It’s a lot different, Adie.”

“Oh yeah, how so?”

Now, they were both yelling. The thunder, which was now almost continuous only made them scream louder.

“It would have been a lot fucking different because my home would have still been in California! I would have come back and you would have been here! So we could be together!”

Adrienne shook her head, the tears now threatening to fall out of sheer frustration.

“Oh, of course, that’s what this is about. You can’t handle the fact that I’m leaving too! That I won’t be here in California! You know you’re really fucking selfish, did you know that?”

“I’m selfish?” Billie Joe screamed back, taking a step forward and point at his chest.

“Yeah, you’re selfish!” Adie yelled, matching his step toward her with one toward him. “You wouldn’t care where I went or what I did as long as I was here in California, waiting for you!” she turned, shaking her head. Billie Joe shook his head as well.

“Again,” he started, “Whatever the fuck you say, 80.”

Adrienne let out a scream that was more out of exasperation than anger.

“Ugh! You’re just like my parents!”

Billie Joe turned abruptly, but didn’t have time to respond. That statement had made his blood boil more than anything else that was said this evening. It was the worst insult she could throw at him- he was nothing like her parents. His anger was also out of a defensive instinct that had kicked in though- could she be right?

Regardless, he couldn’t speak a word before the rain pelted every inch of their bodies, moving over them like a thick blanket. Even as close as Adrienne was to him, her face was now covered in a gray film as he squinted through the harsh downpour of rain.

At that point there really weren’t any words that he could think of to sum up any of this anyway. He was fuming, he was tired, he was upset and depressed about what was happening with his girlfriend, and now he was wet. Looking up at the sky as if to challenge it, his eyes shut and he thought, as if to add to the pile of bullshit he was trying to wade through at the moment, that he heard a sob coming from the girl next to him. So he said the only thing he thought would make it better.

“FUCK!” he yelled, kicking a divot into the playground woodchips so deep he could see the brown dirt below. It was a brutally loud scream, the kind that signals defeat. Briefly he wondered if the neighbors nearby heard it in their sleep.

He took one or two deep breaths after the scream and looked back over to Adie. He had heard a sob right before his outbreak. Even with the rain, he could see by her eyes that she was crying. And this wasn’t a few tears that leaked out in the moment. These tears had been building up and were now pouring out of her as fast as the rain around them. And immediately, the pangs of guilt set in inside of Billie Joe. He didn’t want to hurt her. He couldn’t imagine wanting to. And yet here she stood, this person he cared so much for, crying her eyes out, hands at her sides, defeated. It overwhelmed him. And everything that had just transpired didn’t matter right now. Not to him. So he walked over and pulled her into his arms, letting her head rest on his shoulder.