I See You So Please Stay Strong

“Uh….hi?” I waved slightly, biting the corner of my bottom lip as I stared at them. “Long time no see…”
“You can say that again,” Taylor muttered, her eyes cast to mine as she looked me up and down. “Well, you don’t look too much different. Except, now you look more like a…mother?”
“I guess you could say that,” I mumbled, running my fingers through Riot’s thick, dark brown hair lightly. “It…changes you.”
“Why’d you leave?” Nita asked quickly, her eyes swelling with tears as she stared at me. “It’s not fair, you wouldn’t answer your phone. I thought you died, Guin. I thought you didn’t care about us. You just left, and you took Riot and BJ with you. It’s not fair, how could you do that to us?”
“Nita,” Mari mumbled, grabbing her small hand as she squeezed lightly. “Right now might not be the best place to discuss this.”
“No,” I spoke up, shaking my head as I grabbed the handle of the cart. “...Do you guys have anywhere you need to be? Or can we talk?”
“We can talk,” Raychel answered, watching my every move intently. “Just don’t run out on us again like last time.”
“Low blow,” I winced inwardly, sighing heavily. “But I deserve it.”
“Uh, yeah, I think you deserve a lot of them.” Sarah muttered, crossing her arms over her chest as she glared over at me. “You just left, how could you do that? I mean, it’s been nine months, Guin! That’s almost a year! We’ve all been worried sick, least the fact that Dillon’s been practically eating himself alive. You really fucked the shit up, like, I thought we were fucked up before that, but I was totally off. Bloody hell, you fucking killed him, Autumn. He’s not the same; all he does is drink and bitch and try to find you. But he can’t. You closed down your Myspace, your email is inactive, and you’re cell phone changed. We can’t find anything on you, and Dillon can’t remember your last name or how to spell it, so he’s lost in all shit.” She huffed, nibbling on her lower lip. “You really fucked things up.”
“…I…” I tried to talk; tried to think of anything to say, but it was so hard; it hurt so much listening to this. “..I..I..I..what? You can’t say anything?” Raychel shook her head, sighing heavily. “You don’t even have answer do you? Jesus, Autumn, what happened to you? This isn’t who you were; not who I knew.”
“I’m sorry,” I answered lamely, gripping the handle of Riot’s cart tightly.
“Sorry doesn’t mean a lot right now.” Nita shook her head, licking her bottom lip. “You really messed things up. I missed you so much, you were one of my best friends and I was his Godmother, and then you just left. It’s not fair. How could you do that?”
I didn’t answer right away, my brain wracking for thoughts as I tried to think of what to say.
But I guess it wasn’t quick enough for them.
“Nevermind, come on guys,” Taylor shook her head, sighing as she laced her fingers with Raychel and Nita’s. “She’s not going to give us a real answer anyway.” I watched them turn and start to head down the aisle, only to yell for them to wait as I poured my heart out.
“I’m sorry, alright? I can go on and on with why, how, and what I did, but none of it matters unless I say that and mean it. I’m sorry that I left you girls without telling you where I was going, or how to get in contact, and without saying goodbye. I’m really sorry for that. I’m sorry that I was such a coward and that I couldn’t man up and face the fact that I had messed up and that I needed to fix it. Running away just seemed so much easier, and it was. I’m not saying it was right, because I know it wasn’t, I know I messed up a lot of things, but it was easier then facing problems. But, obviously, I just broke hearts, including my own, and created an even bigger problem that I now have to face head on.” Pausing, I stared at Riot, trying to keep the shameful tears from slipping. “I can’t take back what I did, and I’ll never be able to. I’m sorry that you had to find out like that and I’m really sorry that this had to happen this way. And I’m sorry for everything, but it…it’s so good to see you. Even if you yell and scream and report me to the cops for neglecting Riot, it was still good to see you. You girls became my family and leaving you was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. I’m…..I’m sorry. That’s it. I won’t waste another minute of your time.” Biting my bottom lip, I pushed the cart towards the front of the store and tried desperately to hold back the tears, only to let them pour out heavily.
“Mama?” Riot stared up at me, his chubby hand reaching up as he ran his fingers across the salty, wet, tears. “Bat?”
“No, Riot. Not a bath,” Leaning over the cart handle, I laid a soft kiss on his forehead, whispering words of truth. “I love you, Ri Ri. You’re the only one that loves me, regardless of how messed up I am, or how many things I screw up.”
“That’s not true,” I heard Taylor say from behind me, Nita’s lone body popping up beside the cart. “You know we love you, stupid.”
“I love you too,” I looked over my shoulder, only to realize that I was surrounded by my girls again. “Does this mean I’m forgiven?”
“Yeah,” Raychel grinned, giving me a thumbs up and a cheesy smile; just like Raychel. “Isn’t it amazing? We’re so nice.”
“Only because we missed you so much!” Sarah yelled, her English accent slipping around her words like a soaped up Slip N’ Slide. “Whatcha doing now?”
“I should be asking you guys that, what are you doing in New Jersey?”
“The guys are on tour,” Mari shrugged, pushing her bangs out of her face. “So, of course, we came with them. They played last night and they have, like the next two weeks off and the record label rented some house for us to stay in until it’s time to start tour back up.”
“Where’s the house?” I asked, secretly really wishing I was asking “Where’s the guys?”.
“In Hillsboro?” Nita shrugged, giggling loudly. “Ask Raychel, she’d know more. She’s the Jersian.”
“Ex, thank you very much. I’m a Californian now.” She laughed loudly, staring at Riot. “But I’ll always be a Jersey girl at heart. God, he’s so cute. He looks just like Dillon.”
“He really does,” Nita said, giggling loudly, her face in twisted knots as she tried to pull her face away from his tiny, exploring hands. “Why is he so fascinated with my peircings?”
“Because their shiny,” Smiling, I picked him up out of the cart and held him on my hip, stowing his neat shopping cart cover in his baby bag.
“That thing is so cool,” Nita mumbled, scrunching her nose up as she pouted. “Why can’t they made nice things like that for us old people?”
“Oh, come off it! You’re not old,” Taylor yelled, shoving Nita’s shoulder as she burst out laughing as she knocked over a small box of gum. “Oh, God!” She kneeled over, helping Nita pick up the small cartons and placing them back into the box.
“Can you grab those toys for me?” I threw the baby bag over my other shoulder, reaching inside of it for my wallet as I took two twenties from the stash, giggling loudly at the whole ordeal. “You girls, thanks so much,” Smiling at Sarah, I paid the teller and rocked Riot, watching as he stared at the girls. “I think he remembers you, he’s just trying to place it. He only has that face on when he’s thinking really hard, or when he’s pooping.”
“Oh, well, that’s lovely.” Taylor laughed, following me out of the store. “Where are you going now?”
“Well, I really don’t want to leave you guys…again.” Smiling, I watched them crack a soft grin at the stupid pun. “So, I mean, what are you guys doing? And can I join you? Or, can me and Riot join you?”
“Of course,” Mari shrugged, looking at the other girls faces. “I think we were just going to go eat or something. We’re suppose to meet the boys back here at six.”
“It’s already almost six, smart ass.” Raychel laughed, nudging Mari as she grinned at her. “Matt might have fucked too many brain cells outta ya babe.”
“Oh, hardy har-har.” She shook her head, her deep brown wavy locks flying around with her sweeping spin.
“Maybe I should leave,” I mumbled quietly, fidgeting with Riot’s clothing. “I mean….”
“No, no way! We just got you back! There is no way your leaving now!”
“Who’d you just get back?” Aron’s raspy, deep voice sounded out from behind us, his heavily tattooed arm wrapping around Raychel’s shoulders. “Yo, yo, yo! Babyo!”
“Idio!” She smiled, leaning up to press their lips together as she hugged him tightly.
“What’s shaking?” Johnny followed behind Aron, the rest of the guys trailing behind him as he wrapped his arm around Sarah’s shoulders. “Who’s your new friend?” He stopped, staring at me intently, his eyes widening. “Whoa, shit.”
“Whoa, shit, what?” Charlie asked, raising his eyebrow as he concentrated on my face. “Oh…shit…fuck!”
“….Bye!” I slipped a small piece of paper into Nita’s back pocket, turning around quickly as I tried to make a run for it, only to be abruptly stopped dead in my tracks.
Dillon was standing behind me, directly behind me, his lower chest pressed into mine as I slowly cast my eyes up to his.
“…Autumn…” He nodded his head very slowly, his eyes widening as he looked from my face, down to Riot’s blubbering one.
“Bajaugugu kuiga yoibi rugbia jugjajali talbialit!” Riot rambled, his hands flying against my breasts as he tried to get at them, only to realize that Dillon was blocking his way. “Bajauauajau! Bat! Mi bat ug! Bah!” He slapped Dillon’s large chest with his tiny hand. “Bajuaua! Juigwaja!” He cast his eyes up, glaring at Dillon, only to cry out loudly in surprise and excitement. “Dada! Dada! Mama!” He turned, patting my face enthusiastically. “DADA!”
“I know, Riot.” I whispered quietly, sorrowfully staring up into Dillon’s deep, tenderly glaring pools of chocolate brown. “Its dada.”
Daddy’s here.
And he’s pissed at me.